Category Archives: Uncategorized

Grandma and Grandpa Offended by Same Sex Kiss

A normal, straight, ordinary, traditional, heterosexual couple went to their friendly neighborhood Applebee’s this week in Sturgis, Michigan and had their world rocked to its core because of something that happened while they were trying to enjoy some Chicken Wonton Tacos and a couple of pomegranate iced teas. They were so shook up by what happened, that they felt the need to scribble out a note for the restaurant so everyone who works there will know why they will never be back.

To: Sturgiss Applebee’s

When my husband and I sat down at our table, I looked toward one of the TV screens and to my shock there apparently was a soap opera on showing 2 men kissing. I sure am glad we didn’t have our grandchildren with us. So much for “neighborhood” friendly.

From: 2 concerned “never to be back” customers.

This boomer woman got her granny panties all in a bunch because she saw two men kissing on a TV? It’s not like there were two gays dudes double raw dog fisting at Table 16 using guacamole as lube and taking jalapeño poppers. Lady, it’s a TV show, get over yourself. And so what if your grandchildren were there with you. Do you think them seeing two men kissing on TV is going to propel them into a deep, dark hole of moral degeneracy any more than what they see on the news every day? Your precious grandkids probably have active shooter drills at their school and I can pretty much guarantee that is way more stress-inducing than seeing two members of the same sex lock lips. 

So they’re never going back to Applebee’s as if it’s the restaurant’s fault that some soap opera has a fictional storyline involving two grown men in a consensual act of kissing. Is Applebee’s supposed to hire someone to pre-screen everything that shows on their televisions and enact a three-second delay in case something shocking makes it through the airwaves? I can only imagine what else might be so offensive that would cause Grandma and Grandpa Stick Up Their Ass to abandon their “neighborhood” friendly restaurant:

  • RuPaul’s Drag Race
  • A JCPenney bra commercial
  • That scene in Yentl when Mandy Patinkin shows his ass
  • Anderson Cooper, Shepard Smith or Rachel Maddow doing literally anything

Meanwhile, the grandchildren are probably playing Mortal Kombat and looking at porn on Twitter because they know that’s the easiest place to look at it without it showing up in your browser history.

Applebee’s has permanently lost two customers. As sad as they may be about selling a couple less plates of four cheese mac & cheese with honey pepper chicken tenders, at least we know the servers will no longer have to deal with a grandma and grandpa who probably can’t tip more than 10% and think that there is something wrong with being gay. Fuck them.

Don’t Make Me Dig Through the Garbage

It has come to my attention that far too many people are leaving their retainers, aligners, false teeth and any number of dental items carelessly wrapped in napkins on restaurant tables causing them to be tossed into the garbage by unsuspecting servers. Inevitably, these forgetful customers eventually realize what happened and they call the restaurant to ask their server to dig through bags and bags of wet garbage to retrieve the precious and valuable item that they had absolutely no concern for earlier. Suddenly it’s the most important thing on the planet and they think it’s easy for the server to just “go look” for it, like there’s one teeny, tiny garbage can that’s full of clean napkins and rainbows.

People, pay attention to your own shit. Servers do not have time to be digging through the garbage because you were too busy taking Instagram photos of your Lobster Claw Bloody Mary to notice that your $5000 Invisalign got picked up with that half-eaten Cheddar Bay Biscuit. If you are one of the hundreds of customers who have done this and actually had a server find it for you, I hope you repaid the favor by digging deep into your pockets and tipping huge amounts of cash. And I’m not talking 20%. That’s the percentage we expect when we do a good job of serving you. If we crawl through the garbage looking for some dentures reenacting that scene in Star Wars where Princess Leia, Han Solo and Luke Skywalker are flailing through garbage moments before being compacted, we need much, much more than 20%. And servers don’t have C-3PO or R2-D2 to help them out, so you might want to consider a 100% tip. Yeah, it might seem like a lot, but it’s way cheaper than going to your orthodontist and paying them for another set of retainers. And if you’re leaving your false teeth at the restaurant, how is that even possible? Don’t you need your teeth to eat or did Applebee’s add a creamed corn and applesauce entree to their menu?

If you’re one of those servers who has done this for a customer, you are a good soul and truly wonderful person.

I, on the other hand…

 

How To F*ck With a Phisher

As anyone who reads this blog knows, I can be a little bit of a bitch. Even if you’ve never read this blog, the title alone should be a good indicator of what to expect. Last week, a friend of mine mentioned on Twitter that she had been hacked and to possibly expect an email that would appear to be from her, but wouldn’t be. Someone was using her name and asking for a favor. Sure enough, that afternoon, my inbox pinged with an email from Kat showing an innocuous “hello” in the subject line. It had arrived and I had a plan. I wanted to see how long I could tag this scammer along and how ridiculous I could get before they finally gave up on me. And so it began:

December 12, 2019, 2:04 PM

How are you doing and how is everything going with you and the family?

December 12, 2019 2:13 PM

Hi Kat!

Thank you for asking! Actually it’s been a long road for my dad, as you know. Ever since his amputation, he finds it really difficult to see life from a positive perspective. I guess I can understand. I mean, as if it wasn’t difficult enough for him to lose his sight now he hast to lose his leg too? My mom is great, however. She was acquitted of all charges so that’s good news! I couldn’t bear the thought of spending another holiday with her behind bars. 

What about you?? Did your brother ever find that missing hubcap? I swear to God, that was the funniest thing I have ever seen. Has he been allowed to Disney World since? 

Thanks for reaching out. You always know how to brighten my day. I hope you are well. Happy holidays.

Love, 

Betty White

December 12 , 2019 2:26 PM

Hi, Betty 

Thanks for getting back to me and am very happy to hear from you, I’m spending the Holiday season with him next week Thursday night. I need a quick favour from you i don’t know if you are busy or not to get what I need at the store because I can’t get it here and it very urgent.

December 12, 2019 4;10 PM

What do you need? Just let me know. Please don’t ask me to mail another bottle of tequila. We KNOW how that went last time. (My suitcase still smells like lime juice and baby powder!)

Betty

December 12, 2019, 7:14 PM

Yes, please!  I need to get an Amazon gift card or Google play card , i tried purchasing online but unfortunately no luck with that.Can you get it from any store around you? I’ll pay back as soon as i am back. Kindly let me know if you can handle this so i can tell you how to send the card. Await your soonest response.

Thanks,

Kat 

December 12, 2019 9:21 PM

Sure, is everything OK? How can I get the card to you. Aren’t you with your brother? Is Chad OK?

I have a couple American Express gift cards here at home that I have had for a while. With those be helpful? I have had them for about six months. I won them at work for perfect attendance and for most improved. I was so proud!

BW

December 12, 2019, 9:24 PM

Yes, everything is fine. Thank you very much. Total amount needed is $2,500, $100 denominations. You can get it from any store around you and I need you to scratch the back of the card to reveal the pin, then take a screenshot of the back showing the pin and have them sent to me including the purchase receipt.

Thanks,

December 12, 2019, 9:31 PM

Are you getting the card now

December 13, 2019, 12:06 AM

Hey, wait a minute… This is starting to sound fishy. Kat? Is this really you? Prove to me that it’s you and tell me where your birthmark is. I know you know I know where it is. Ha ha ha! 

I think my AmEx gift cards are for a total of $150. I can mail them to you tomorrow if you want. I also have a $5 reward at 16 Handles if you are craving some frozen yogurt. LMK. 

Truly yours,

BETTY WHITE

December 13, 2009, 12:38 AM

Hi, Betty

I’m really not happy with what you just ask me when you know where my birthmark is and yes it me Kat can you try and get me the Amazon gift card or Google play card that is what I need  i need you to scratch the back of the card to reveal the pin, then take a screenshot of the back showing the pin and have them sent to me including the purchase receipt.

December 13, 2019, 7:54 AM

I’m sorry, Kat. I didn’t mean to upset you. Did you forget that was our little inside joke from summer camp back in 1982? You silly goose, you don’t even have a birthmark! Can’t I just send you the AmEx gift cards? I can overnight them. I guess I could go to 7-11 to buy an Amazon acrd, but I definitely cannot afford $2500. I’d have to rob a bank and I for sure don’t want to go though that again unless you were with me. Would $250 in Amazon cards be okay coupled with the AmEx cards? That would be a total of $400. (I just need you to pinky swear that you will pay me back.) I can go get them today if I can manage to get away from my kid. Butch Patrick is just learning how to walk so I have to keep my eye on him at all times. I miss the days when all he could do was lay on his back and I could go do whatever I wanted for hours at a time. 

Just let me know if the $250 will be enough. Oh, and do you want the $5 credit at 16 Handles? If not, it’s fine. They might not even have frozen yogurt where you are. Besides, I do have a craving for some Cookies and Cream! Yumm-o!

xo,

Betty

December 13, 2019, 9:22 AM

Betty can you try and get the Amazon gift card for me at the store the Amazon gift card should be $1000 plus the Amerix Gift card. Get the Amazon gift card it should be $100 each i need you to scratch the back of the card to reveal the pin, then take a screenshot of the back showing the pin and have them sent to me including the purchase receipt.

December 13, 2019, 9:27 AM

I can’t afford that, Kat. Is $300 enough? And maybe a back rub the next time I see you? (wink wink)

December 13, 2019, 9:29 AM

Am going to pay you back that why the $300 won’t be enough okay. Can you get the card now. It should be $100 each okay 

December 13, 2019, 9:34 AM

Betty did you got my message

December 13, 2019, 9:37 AM

Yes. I need to borrow my uncle’s truck as soon as he gets back from the methadone clinic. And hopefully he can watch Little Butch Patrick while I go get the cards. The last time I took him to 7-11, he somehow managed to climb into the Slurpee machine. That darn kid!

But I can’t do more than $500 tops. Is that okay?

I love you, Kat. Are you safe?

December 13, 2019, 9:40 AM

Yeah, that’s fine. It should be $100 and when is he coming add me up through my email so that will can chat on Google hangout okay 

December 13, 9:50 AM

Okay, great. He should be home in about two hours. And then I have to finish doing the  laundry. Oh, and I just started watching Fleabag and can hardly tear myself away from the TV. Have you seen it?? It reminds me so much of you, you dirty girl. Hot Priest looks like Mr. Moreau from high school and we both know how we felt about him. Didn’t he give you crabs or am I getting that mixed up with someone else?

Are you okay, Kat? I’m worried.

xoxo,

Betty 

December 13, 2019, 9:59 AM

Yes I’m okay just little worry try and get the card for me Asap okay

December 13, 2019, 10:17 AM

Random gift card someone I work with had that I took a picture of.

December 13, 2019, 10:25 AM

Betty what card is this one have you got the Amazon gift card 

December 13, 2019, December 13, 2019, 11:13 AM

Betty have you got the card.

December 13, 2019, 11:55 AM

Betty did you got my message

December 13, 2019, 12:59 PM

Hello Betty

December 13, 2019, 1:19 PM

Yes, I got the cards.  I got five cards each for $100. You are not going to believe what happened, though! While I was in the 7-Eleven, Justin Timberlake came in! Of course I was so excited because you know how much I love him, right? So I was having my picture taken with him and getting his autograph and in the excitement I walked out of the store without the cards! Oh my God, I’m such an idiot. Now I have to wait until my uncle gets back from his community service so I can drive back up there and get them. Hopefully, they are still there! I’ll let you know. Keep your fingers crossed.

Betty

December 13, 2019, 1:21 PM

Are You joking with me or not

December 13, 2019, 1:26 PM

No!!! Look!

Random photo from the Internet

I suppose the Justin Timberlake photo proved to be too much because I never heard from my dear friend “Kat” again. But I did manage to string along this asshole for almost 24 hours.

Am I bitchy waiter? Yes. Yes, I am, but I don’t keep my bitchiness at the restaurant, I like to spread it around the Internet.

Allergic to Too Much

Hostess: Thank you for calling Doug’s Donuts Diner, can I help you?

Man: Yeah, I’d like to make a reservation for two this Friday night.

Hostess: Absolutely, sir. It would be my pleasure to assist you with this. And what time would you like to join us for dinner on Friday.

Man: Any time between 6:30 and 9:00 is fine. We’re not picky.

Hostess: Okay, sir, thank you. Ummm… I can get you in at 7:45, will that work?

Man: Oh, yeah, that’s perfect, thank you!

Hostess: Of course, what’s your name and a contact number.

Man: My name is Willy Shocker and my number is 867-5309.

Hostess: Very good. And in an effort to make this a wonderful night for you and your guest, are there any allergies we should know about or are you celebrating anything special that evening?

Man: Actually, it’s our third anniversary!

Hostess: That’s wonderful. I’ll let the chef know and we’ll see if she can come up with something special for the two of you.

Man: Oh, man, thanks! That’s really nice of you.

Hostess: And what about any allergies.

Man: Yes, my wife is extremely allergic to nuts. Like, if she even gets near one, her throat swells up and her face gets all pinched and red. She kinda looks like a tomato that’s just about pop open from rot. And, you know, I don’t really wanna look at that on my anniversary, so no nuts please.

Hostess: Okay… no nuts.

Man: Oh, and dairy too. That gives her hives all over her chest and since it’s our anniversary on Friday I hope to get to play with her fun bags at some point that night, so if you could tell the chef to avoid dairy, that’d be great.

Hostess: Will do. I’ll tell the chef. Thank you for call-

Man: And no gluten or mushrooms. Gluten givers her the runs. And she’s not really allergic to mushrooms, but I hate them, so I don’t wanna try to be making out with her later with some skanky ass mushroom breath, so just tell him that too.

Hostess: Our chef is a woman, but I’ll tell her.

Man: Really? A lady chef? Weird.

Hostess: Is there anything else?

Man: Yeah, she’s also allergic to wi-fi and electricity, so if you could just seat us away from the router or any electric outlets, that’d be great.

Hostess: She’s allergic to electricity, sir?

Man: No, no, no, not really allergic to it, just sensitive. Makes her all shaky. But don’t worry, it’s our anniversary and I got my own ways to make her shaky that don’t involve electricity, you know what I mean?

Hostess: We’ll see you Friday at 7:45.

Man: And if I can’t make her shaky, we got something else that does and it uses batteries.

Hostess: Good bye.

Anyone who works in the service industry has probably come close to losing their temper and going off on a customer. Let’s face it, it can be hard to keep our cool when a customer is yelling at us about something that isn’t our fault. That being said, NEVER THROW A BLENDER AT A CUSTOMER.

That’s what happened to Britany Price when she went through a McDonald’s drive-thru last month in Cincinnati, Ohio. After getting her order, she realized that part of it was incorrect, so she went inside to have it fixed as one would do. She waited 25 minutes for this order to be taken care, and after that amount of time, she returned to her car to get the rest of the food and ask for a refund. Understandably, she was upset. I mean, its McDonald’s. Nothing should take 25 minutes. Britany is seen in the video losing her cool and throwing the food at the manager. Okay, so maybe that wasn’t the best idea, but c’mon, she had four kids with her and McDonald’s couldn’t get their shit together to pack up a few freaking Happy Meals?

The manager on duty, after having some bags of food thrown at him, decided to reciprocate with the throwing of inanimate objects and picked up a blender and hurled at Britany. The result was a shattered cheekbone and broken nose.

McDonald’s released a statement saying, “The safety of our customers and employees is of utmost importance to us. We are looking into this matter and will take the appropriate steps once our investigation is complete.”

Methinks there will soon be a job opening at a Cincinnati McDonald’s because I’m pretty sure that no mater how pissed off a customer makes you, you can’t be throwing kitchen appliances at them.

Moral of the story: if a customer ever gets so mad at you that they begin to throw food, simply take a deep breath, go into the walk-in cooler, and scream.

NEVER THROW A BLENDER AT THE CUSTOMER.