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What’s Your Worst Server Nightmare?

It’s been a minute since I have written about the one thing all servers share, no matter what kind of restaurant they work in or how long they’ve been wearing an apron: server nightmares. Once you work in a restaurant, you can be certain that server dreams will forever be a part of your life, just like herpes or glitter after a very unfortunate crafting accident.

Last week, I had the privilege of meeting the new girlfriend of my brother. As we were getting to know one another and I shamelessly plugged my own blog, she informed me that she too had been a server years earlier. She wore the apron for over a decade, so waiting tables was still in her blood and subconscious. I didn’t get close enough to know for sure, but I can only hope that the smell of waiting tables had long since been washed off her skin and out of her hair. The topic of server nightmares soon came up and she informed me of the worst one she has ever had. Unlike mine, where the restaurant is as big as the eye can see and the kitchen is like a mirage that’s always out of reach, her’s involved a menu that was written in Sanskrit.

“Damn, this girl’s smart,” I instantly thought. “My brain isn’t complicated enough to create a menu out of Sanskrit.”

“And the menu had sixteen different sizes of orange juice,” she said.

My blood turned cold at the very thought of people pointing to a menu that was written in a forgotten language and then having to decipher which size orange juice they wanted. “How would you memorize all those sizes?” I wondered. And where or where do you store all of the the glasses for that? Think about what your sidework would be like if it was your job to stock the sixteen different kinds of orange juice glasses. It makes me shudder.

The topic of conversation turned to other things, but I eventually steered it back to the sixteen sizes of orange juice and we began to come up with what the sizes would be called. We got through about five sizes, but then that night, as I laid in bed unable to fall asleep, I began to come up with the remaining eleven sizes of this nightmare orange juice scenario:

  1. Micro mini
  2. Teeny Tiny
  3. Venti
  4. Kinda small
  5. Teacup
  6. Medium-ish
  7. Mid-Range
  8. Toddler
  9. Orange
  10. 6-9 Months
  11. 7 3/4
  12. Life Size
  13. Regular
  14. 36 x 30
  15. Double D
  16. Todd

Surprisingly, I did not have a server dream that night. Maybe by actively embracing the horror of sixteen different sizes of orange juice and keeping it solidly in my consciousness, I kept it from seeping into my subconscious that night. Besides that, a Sanskrit menu and sixteen sizes of orange juice is Betsy’s horror show, not mine. The next time I have a sever nightmare, it will be my  familiar mile-long dining room with a kitchen I can never reach. That’s my own personal nightmare and I’ll let Betsy keep hers.

What about you? What’s your server nightmare?

Servers DO Want Rocks For Tips

I guess I’m an ungrateful, repulsive asshole who wouldn’t know gratitude if it came up and tickled my taint. A couple of days ago, I posted a photo on ye olde Facebook page that brought people up in arms. It was a photo of a tip someone named Kim left her server at Golden Corral. The bill was clearly visible as $35 and the tip consisted of what appeared to be two dollars and a rock. The rock was hand-painted, presumably by Kim. I thought it looked like an arts and craft project from a 10-year old’s art class at summer camp that some unlucky parent would obligingly hold onto for the rest of their days, ending up dusty on a shelf next to a wonky-ass ceramic ashtray and a picture frame made out of popsicle sticks. I mentioned that no server wants a freaking rock as a tip, but apparently I was wrong.

Comment after comment poured in from servers who claimed it was “adorable” and “touching” and “sweet.” Someone even tracked down the original photo’s Facebook post and found that the server who received the rock as part of her tip, Linda, was also appreciative of the rock. Apparently, it made her day.

Servers shared their stories of when customers had left them sweet gifts and surprisingly, plenty of other waiters and waitresses have also received rocks as tips. I was shook.

I am sorry. I’m sorry for thinking that a rock is a bad tip. I would like to go on record and say that from this day forward, I think every customer should be leaving rocks as tips. The bigger the better. Did your waiter manage to get you in and out of the restaurant in record time so you could get to a movie? Give him a painted rock! Did a waitress refill your water glass a total of seven times, never once letting it fall one inch below the rim? Give her two painted rocks! Did a server give your 12-top perfect service and separated all of the checks and then sing happy birthday to you? Roll in a fucking painted boulder for that server!

And servers, when it comes time to pay your rent, you load up all those rocks in a wheelbarrow and then you dump those rocks at the feet of your landlord and make sure they see how pretty they are. Surely, they will jump at the chance to own a ton of stones because who doesn’t want more rocks in their life? Put those rocks in safe deposit boxes and save them for your children! Write them into your wills!

After so much pushback about the painted rock, I thought maybe I simply didn’t see it for its full potential so I asked an art expert for his opinion. Dr. Blarney S. Tone is a professor of art history and one of the country’s leading geologists. She looked at the rock and gave me this appraisal:

The delicate brush strokes are similar to those seen in the early work of Leonardo DaVinci. It’s also abundantly clear that Kim has studied the works of Jackson Pollock and Keith Haring. As for the stone itself, it appears to be of the Paleozoic era. I am particularly impressed with the artists’s use of the Sharpie. Very impressive. Should this piece go onto auction in the international art community, I would expect to see bids upward of $100K. The server who received this exquisite work of art should be very, very grateful.

So there you have it. I was being a jerk thinking that no server wants a rock as a tip. To Kim, and every other server who appreciates the gift of stone, I apologize. I may be a bitch, but I can certainly see when I have misspoken. It takes a big man to admit when he was wrong and it takes an even bigger man to carry a pile of rocks to the grocery store to buy a loaf of bread.

Hey Texas Roadhouse: Justice for Luis!

So often, customers are upset with a restaurant for something that the restaurant has absolutely nothing to do with. How many of us have had to apologize to a customer for the sun shining too brightly through a window or because they couldn’t find a parking spot? In this day and age of people complaining for the sheer privilege of complaining, it can get exhausting. (Acknowledged irony: I literally complain every day.)

Gentle readers, I want to introduce you to Luis who is one of those people who wants to complain, but doesn’t know to whom the complaint should be directed to. He needs our help. While visiting a Texas Roadhouse for some Tater Skins and Fried Pickles, his car was hit in the parking lot. After his meal, while he should have been digesting his Pulled Pork Dinner, he discovered the disturbing hit and run. Rather than calling State Farm or Progressive to file an insurance claim for a busted headlight and dented bumper, he instead went to the Texas Roadhouse Facebook page to complain about the lack of cameras in the parking lot, like it’s their responsibility to keep track of what’s happening to his car while he guzzles down an Armadillo Punch and a couple of Texas Peach Fuzzes.

Most parking lot owners are not responsible for damage to cars even if there isn’t one of those signs that tells you exactly that. What that means is, Luis, you’re barking up the wrong Roadhouse. And even if they had cameras, do you really expect to be able to see who bumped your car? Yes, it sucks that your car has a dent in it. And it sucks that whoever did it didn’t have the Rattlesnake Balls to leave a note on your window. However, going to the Facebook page of a national chain restaurant and expecting them to apologize or suddenly install cameras in all 563 of their parking lots is a bit much. But I want to help you.

My hope for you is that this blog post brings enough attention to your case to at least receive a free gift card from Texas Roadhouse. Maybe they won’t pay to have the scratch in your car buffed out, but they can certainly spring for a plate of mouth-watering Steak Kabobs or some Chicken Critters®, am I right?

Readers, please go to the Texas Roadhouse Facebook page and comment on behalf of Luis. We can make change! We can do this! They owe him a damn gift card! #JusticeForLuis

Good luck, Luis. And you’re welcome. (By the way, this really happened, right Luis? You’re not just making shit up are you? Because it would super easy to say that someone hit your car in the parking lot when it didn’t actually happen in the parking lot and your car was already a beat up piece of shit before you got there.)

Grandma and Grandpa Offended by Same Sex Kiss

A normal, straight, ordinary, traditional, heterosexual couple went to their friendly neighborhood Applebee’s this week in Sturgis, Michigan and had their world rocked to its core because of something that happened while they were trying to enjoy some Chicken Wonton Tacos and a couple of pomegranate iced teas. They were so shook up by what happened, that they felt the need to scribble out a note for the restaurant so everyone who works there will know why they will never be back.

To: Sturgiss Applebee’s

When my husband and I sat down at our table, I looked toward one of the TV screens and to my shock there apparently was a soap opera on showing 2 men kissing. I sure am glad we didn’t have our grandchildren with us. So much for “neighborhood” friendly.

From: 2 concerned “never to be back” customers.

This boomer woman got her granny panties all in a bunch because she saw two men kissing on a TV? It’s not like there were two gays dudes double raw dog fisting at Table 16 using guacamole as lube and taking jalapeño poppers. Lady, it’s a TV show, get over yourself. And so what if your grandchildren were there with you. Do you think them seeing two men kissing on TV is going to propel them into a deep, dark hole of moral degeneracy any more than what they see on the news every day? Your precious grandkids probably have active shooter drills at their school and I can pretty much guarantee that is way more stress-inducing than seeing two members of the same sex lock lips. 

So they’re never going back to Applebee’s as if it’s the restaurant’s fault that some soap opera has a fictional storyline involving two grown men in a consensual act of kissing. Is Applebee’s supposed to hire someone to pre-screen everything that shows on their televisions and enact a three-second delay in case something shocking makes it through the airwaves? I can only imagine what else might be so offensive that would cause Grandma and Grandpa Stick Up Their Ass to abandon their “neighborhood” friendly restaurant:

  • RuPaul’s Drag Race
  • A JCPenney bra commercial
  • That scene in Yentl when Mandy Patinkin shows his ass
  • Anderson Cooper, Shepard Smith or Rachel Maddow doing literally anything

Meanwhile, the grandchildren are probably playing Mortal Kombat and looking at porn on Twitter because they know that’s the easiest place to look at it without it showing up in your browser history.

Applebee’s has permanently lost two customers. As sad as they may be about selling a couple less plates of four cheese mac & cheese with honey pepper chicken tenders, at least we know the servers will no longer have to deal with a grandma and grandpa who probably can’t tip more than 10% and think that there is something wrong with being gay. Fuck them.

Don’t Make Me Dig Through the Garbage

It has come to my attention that far too many people are leaving their retainers, aligners, false teeth and any number of dental items carelessly wrapped in napkins on restaurant tables causing them to be tossed into the garbage by unsuspecting servers. Inevitably, these forgetful customers eventually realize what happened and they call the restaurant to ask their server to dig through bags and bags of wet garbage to retrieve the precious and valuable item that they had absolutely no concern for earlier. Suddenly it’s the most important thing on the planet and they think it’s easy for the server to just “go look” for it, like there’s one teeny, tiny garbage can that’s full of clean napkins and rainbows.

People, pay attention to your own shit. Servers do not have time to be digging through the garbage because you were too busy taking Instagram photos of your Lobster Claw Bloody Mary to notice that your $5000 Invisalign got picked up with that half-eaten Cheddar Bay Biscuit. If you are one of the hundreds of customers who have done this and actually had a server find it for you, I hope you repaid the favor by digging deep into your pockets and tipping huge amounts of cash. And I’m not talking 20%. That’s the percentage we expect when we do a good job of serving you. If we crawl through the garbage looking for some dentures reenacting that scene in Star Wars where Princess Leia, Han Solo and Luke Skywalker are flailing through garbage moments before being compacted, we need much, much more than 20%. And servers don’t have C-3PO or R2-D2 to help them out, so you might want to consider a 100% tip. Yeah, it might seem like a lot, but it’s way cheaper than going to your orthodontist and paying them for another set of retainers. And if you’re leaving your false teeth at the restaurant, how is that even possible? Don’t you need your teeth to eat or did Applebee’s add a creamed corn and applesauce entree to their menu?

If you’re one of those servers who has done this for a customer, you are a good soul and truly wonderful person.

I, on the other hand…

 

How To F*ck With a Phisher

As anyone who reads this blog knows, I can be a little bit of a bitch. Even if you’ve never read this blog, the title alone should be a good indicator of what to expect. Last week, a friend of mine mentioned on Twitter that she had been hacked and to possibly expect an email that would appear to be from her, but wouldn’t be. Someone was using her name and asking for a favor. Sure enough, that afternoon, my inbox pinged with an email from Kat showing an innocuous “hello” in the subject line. It had arrived and I had a plan. I wanted to see how long I could tag this scammer along and how ridiculous I could get before they finally gave up on me. And so it began:

December 12, 2019, 2:04 PM

How are you doing and how is everything going with you and the family?

December 12, 2019 2:13 PM

Hi Kat!

Thank you for asking! Actually it’s been a long road for my dad, as you know. Ever since his amputation, he finds it really difficult to see life from a positive perspective. I guess I can understand. I mean, as if it wasn’t difficult enough for him to lose his sight now he hast to lose his leg too? My mom is great, however. She was acquitted of all charges so that’s good news! I couldn’t bear the thought of spending another holiday with her behind bars. 

What about you?? Did your brother ever find that missing hubcap? I swear to God, that was the funniest thing I have ever seen. Has he been allowed to Disney World since? 

Thanks for reaching out. You always know how to brighten my day. I hope you are well. Happy holidays.

Love, 

Betty White

December 12 , 2019 2:26 PM

Hi, Betty 

Thanks for getting back to me and am very happy to hear from you, I’m spending the Holiday season with him next week Thursday night. I need a quick favour from you i don’t know if you are busy or not to get what I need at the store because I can’t get it here and it very urgent.

December 12, 2019 4;10 PM

What do you need? Just let me know. Please don’t ask me to mail another bottle of tequila. We KNOW how that went last time. (My suitcase still smells like lime juice and baby powder!)

Betty

December 12, 2019, 7:14 PM

Yes, please!  I need to get an Amazon gift card or Google play card , i tried purchasing online but unfortunately no luck with that.Can you get it from any store around you? I’ll pay back as soon as i am back. Kindly let me know if you can handle this so i can tell you how to send the card. Await your soonest response.

Thanks,

Kat 

December 12, 2019 9:21 PM

Sure, is everything OK? How can I get the card to you. Aren’t you with your brother? Is Chad OK?

I have a couple American Express gift cards here at home that I have had for a while. With those be helpful? I have had them for about six months. I won them at work for perfect attendance and for most improved. I was so proud!

BW

December 12, 2019, 9:24 PM

Yes, everything is fine. Thank you very much. Total amount needed is $2,500, $100 denominations. You can get it from any store around you and I need you to scratch the back of the card to reveal the pin, then take a screenshot of the back showing the pin and have them sent to me including the purchase receipt.

Thanks,

December 12, 2019, 9:31 PM

Are you getting the card now

December 13, 2019, 12:06 AM

Hey, wait a minute… This is starting to sound fishy. Kat? Is this really you? Prove to me that it’s you and tell me where your birthmark is. I know you know I know where it is. Ha ha ha! 

I think my AmEx gift cards are for a total of $150. I can mail them to you tomorrow if you want. I also have a $5 reward at 16 Handles if you are craving some frozen yogurt. LMK. 

Truly yours,

BETTY WHITE

December 13, 2009, 12:38 AM

Hi, Betty

I’m really not happy with what you just ask me when you know where my birthmark is and yes it me Kat can you try and get me the Amazon gift card or Google play card that is what I need  i need you to scratch the back of the card to reveal the pin, then take a screenshot of the back showing the pin and have them sent to me including the purchase receipt.

December 13, 2019, 7:54 AM

I’m sorry, Kat. I didn’t mean to upset you. Did you forget that was our little inside joke from summer camp back in 1982? You silly goose, you don’t even have a birthmark! Can’t I just send you the AmEx gift cards? I can overnight them. I guess I could go to 7-11 to buy an Amazon acrd, but I definitely cannot afford $2500. I’d have to rob a bank and I for sure don’t want to go though that again unless you were with me. Would $250 in Amazon cards be okay coupled with the AmEx cards? That would be a total of $400. (I just need you to pinky swear that you will pay me back.) I can go get them today if I can manage to get away from my kid. Butch Patrick is just learning how to walk so I have to keep my eye on him at all times. I miss the days when all he could do was lay on his back and I could go do whatever I wanted for hours at a time. 

Just let me know if the $250 will be enough. Oh, and do you want the $5 credit at 16 Handles? If not, it’s fine. They might not even have frozen yogurt where you are. Besides, I do have a craving for some Cookies and Cream! Yumm-o!

xo,

Betty

December 13, 2019, 9:22 AM

Betty can you try and get the Amazon gift card for me at the store the Amazon gift card should be $1000 plus the Amerix Gift card. Get the Amazon gift card it should be $100 each i need you to scratch the back of the card to reveal the pin, then take a screenshot of the back showing the pin and have them sent to me including the purchase receipt.

December 13, 2019, 9:27 AM

I can’t afford that, Kat. Is $300 enough? And maybe a back rub the next time I see you? (wink wink)

December 13, 2019, 9:29 AM

Am going to pay you back that why the $300 won’t be enough okay. Can you get the card now. It should be $100 each okay 

December 13, 2019, 9:34 AM

Betty did you got my message

December 13, 2019, 9:37 AM

Yes. I need to borrow my uncle’s truck as soon as he gets back from the methadone clinic. And hopefully he can watch Little Butch Patrick while I go get the cards. The last time I took him to 7-11, he somehow managed to climb into the Slurpee machine. That darn kid!

But I can’t do more than $500 tops. Is that okay?

I love you, Kat. Are you safe?

December 13, 2019, 9:40 AM

Yeah, that’s fine. It should be $100 and when is he coming add me up through my email so that will can chat on Google hangout okay 

December 13, 9:50 AM

Okay, great. He should be home in about two hours. And then I have to finish doing the  laundry. Oh, and I just started watching Fleabag and can hardly tear myself away from the TV. Have you seen it?? It reminds me so much of you, you dirty girl. Hot Priest looks like Mr. Moreau from high school and we both know how we felt about him. Didn’t he give you crabs or am I getting that mixed up with someone else?

Are you okay, Kat? I’m worried.

xoxo,

Betty 

December 13, 2019, 9:59 AM

Yes I’m okay just little worry try and get the card for me Asap okay

December 13, 2019, 10:17 AM

Random gift card someone I work with had that I took a picture of.

December 13, 2019, 10:25 AM

Betty what card is this one have you got the Amazon gift card 

December 13, 2019, December 13, 2019, 11:13 AM

Betty have you got the card.

December 13, 2019, 11:55 AM

Betty did you got my message

December 13, 2019, 12:59 PM

Hello Betty

December 13, 2019, 1:19 PM

Yes, I got the cards.  I got five cards each for $100. You are not going to believe what happened, though! While I was in the 7-Eleven, Justin Timberlake came in! Of course I was so excited because you know how much I love him, right? So I was having my picture taken with him and getting his autograph and in the excitement I walked out of the store without the cards! Oh my God, I’m such an idiot. Now I have to wait until my uncle gets back from his community service so I can drive back up there and get them. Hopefully, they are still there! I’ll let you know. Keep your fingers crossed.

Betty

December 13, 2019, 1:21 PM

Are You joking with me or not

December 13, 2019, 1:26 PM

No!!! Look!

Random photo from the Internet

I suppose the Justin Timberlake photo proved to be too much because I never heard from my dear friend “Kat” again. But I did manage to string along this asshole for almost 24 hours.

Am I bitchy waiter? Yes. Yes, I am, but I don’t keep my bitchiness at the restaurant, I like to spread it around the Internet.