“A Server Is Just a Monkey That Brings Food From the Kitchen to My Table”

Five long years ago, I wrote a blog post about someone named Lance who had some strong opinions about tipping. Namely, he didn’t think servers deserved to be tipped. Of course, I dragged him through the mud, tarred and feathered him and then put him out to pasture like he was a twink on poppers who just got gang banged by a bunch of drunk fraternity brothers. Lance was out of my mind completely until last week when someone else left a comment on that very same blog post:

If you want a tip get a better job. You are nothing but a living breathing conveyor belt. Just a monkey that brings food from the kitchen to my table. I would rather do this myself because it is one less person near my food.  You provide no necessary service whatsoever. Just having to speak to you was an inconvenience. I am wealthy and important, it should be an honor for you to serve me.  You should understand the hired help should never speak unless spoken to.

The person who wrote this comment has an AOL email address, so that really says everything I need to know about him. He claims his name is Dr. Steinberg and if he truly is a doctor he must be a proctologist since he’s probably most comfortable surrounded by a bunch of assholes. I could give you his email address so you could all reach out to him and tell him your thoughts, but then I’d be in trouble for that and I’ve been in enough trouble as of late.

If this was on Facebook, I couldn’t say what I really want to say because I’d be going against “community standards,” but since this is my blog, here we go:

  • “If you want a tip get a better job.” That’s such a funny joke, doctor! I bet your other tips are “don’t eat yellow snow” and “don’t take any wooden nickels.” You should really go on the road and try standup comedy, asshole.
  • “You are nothing but a living breathing conveyor belt. Just a monkey that brings food from the kitchen to my table.” Is that really all you think a server does? We also look at our cell phones, serve decaf coffee as regular, and eat french fries off of pates as we walk to tables. If you’re a proctologist, I know you must do more than just look at assholes all day, so give us some credit. By the way, it must be frustrating to look in the mirror and have yet another asshole right there in your face.
  • “I would rather do this myself because it is one less person near my food. You provide no necessary service whatsoever.” Trust me, doctor, we would all rather you do it yourself. And while you’re at it, you can go fuck yourself too.
  • “Just having to speak to you was an inconvenience.” Then why don’t you order your food from an app? That would save you from having to talk to servers and save servers from having to bear the stench that emanates from your asshole mouth. It’s a win/win!
  • “I am wealthy and important, it should be an honor for you to serve me.” I’m important too, doctor. I’m the one and only Bitchy Waiter so if you ever end up in my section it would be an honor for you to have your food served by me. (I may not be wealthy, but I am rich with attitude.)
  • “You should understand the hired help should never speak unless spoken to.” Here’s the deal, doc. You didn’t hire the server, the restaurant did. You are not the boss, you’re a customer and a shitty one at that. If you don’t want a server to talk to you, then I would suggest you keep yourself out of restaurants. It’s kinda our job to talk to people, even the people we don’t want to talk to at all.

People like Lance and Dr. Steinberg are part of the reason that restaurant workers are fleeing the industry. If the pandemic taught us anything, it’s that we deserve respect. Maybe this guy really is a doctor or maybe he’s just some punk ass bitch with Internet access. Either way, he’s lucky I didn’t post his email address because servers from around the world would love an opportunity to tell someone like this exactly how they feel. Hell, that’s what I just did and it feels awesome!

This link is NOT his email address.

Okay and neither is this one. 

Discussion

  1. Red
  2. Scott
  3. Mel
  4. Love My Servers
  5. Secretary
  6. Brad
  7. Raffi Al Manasco
  8. zanker
  9. Gregory Systems analyst
  10. william
  11. Anonymous
  12. Brian
  13. charlotte
  14. Dean
  15. Amy
  16. Don Edward
  17. Fred
  18. Soraya
  19. Dianne

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