A normal, straight, ordinary, traditional, heterosexual couple went to their friendly neighborhood Applebee’s this week in Sturgis, Michigan and had their world rocked to its core because of something that happened while they were trying to enjoy some Chicken Wonton Tacos and a couple of pomegranate iced teas. They were so shook up by what happened, that they felt the need to scribble out a note for the restaurant so everyone who works there will know why they will never be back.
To: Sturgiss Applebee’s
When my husband and I sat down at our table, I looked toward one of the TV screens and to my shock there apparently was a soap opera on showing 2 men kissing. I sure am glad we didn’t have our grandchildren with us. So much for “neighborhood” friendly.
From: 2 concerned “never to be back” customers.
This boomer woman got her granny panties all in a bunch because she saw two men kissing on a TV? It’s not like there were two gays dudes double raw dog fisting at Table 16 using guacamole as lube and taking jalapeño poppers. Lady, it’s a TV show, get over yourself. And so what if your grandchildren were there with you. Do you think them seeing two men kissing on TV is going to propel them into a deep, dark hole of moral degeneracy any more than what they see on the news every day? Your precious grandkids probably have active shooter drills at their school and I can pretty much guarantee that is way more stress-inducing than seeing two members of the same sex lock lips.
So they’re never going back to Applebee’s as if it’s the restaurant’s fault that some soap opera has a fictional storyline involving two grown men in a consensual act of kissing. Is Applebee’s supposed to hire someone to pre-screen everything that shows on their televisions and enact a three-second delay in case something shocking makes it through the airwaves? I can only imagine what else might be so offensive that would cause Grandma and Grandpa Stick Up Their Ass to abandon their “neighborhood” friendly restaurant:
- RuPaul’s Drag Race
- A JCPenney bra commercial
- That scene in Yentl when Mandy Patinkin shows his ass
- Anderson Cooper, Shepard Smith or Rachel Maddow doing literally anything
Meanwhile, the grandchildren are probably playing Mortal Kombat and looking at porn on Twitter because they know that’s the easiest place to look at it without it showing up in your browser history.
Applebee’s has permanently lost two customers. As sad as they may be about selling a couple less plates of four cheese mac & cheese with honey pepper chicken tenders, at least we know the servers will no longer have to deal with a grandma and grandpa who probably can’t tip more than 10% and think that there is something wrong with being gay. Fuck them.