Author Archives: The Bitchy Waiter

About The Bitchy Waiter

I wait tables and bitch about it on my blog, The Bitchy Waiter.

Grandma and Grandpa Offended by Same Sex Kiss

A normal, straight, ordinary, traditional, heterosexual couple went to their friendly neighborhood Applebee’s this week in Sturgis, Michigan and had their world rocked to its core because of something that happened while they were trying to enjoy some Chicken Wonton Tacos and a couple of pomegranate iced teas. They were so shook up by what happened, that they felt the need to scribble out a note for the restaurant so everyone who works there will know why they will never be back.

To: Sturgiss Applebee’s

When my husband and I sat down at our table, I looked toward one of the TV screens and to my shock there apparently was a soap opera on showing 2 men kissing. I sure am glad we didn’t have our grandchildren with us. So much for “neighborhood” friendly.

From: 2 concerned “never to be back” customers.

This boomer woman got her granny panties all in a bunch because she saw two men kissing on a TV? It’s not like there were two gays dudes double raw dog fisting at Table 16 using guacamole as lube and taking jalapeño poppers. Lady, it’s a TV show, get over yourself. And so what if your grandchildren were there with you. Do you think them seeing two men kissing on TV is going to propel them into a deep, dark hole of moral degeneracy any more than what they see on the news every day? Your precious grandkids probably have active shooter drills at their school and I can pretty much guarantee that is way more stress-inducing than seeing two members of the same sex lock lips. 

So they’re never going back to Applebee’s as if it’s the restaurant’s fault that some soap opera has a fictional storyline involving two grown men in a consensual act of kissing. Is Applebee’s supposed to hire someone to pre-screen everything that shows on their televisions and enact a three-second delay in case something shocking makes it through the airwaves? I can only imagine what else might be so offensive that would cause Grandma and Grandpa Stick Up Their Ass to abandon their “neighborhood” friendly restaurant:

  • RuPaul’s Drag Race
  • A JCPenney bra commercial
  • That scene in Yentl when Mandy Patinkin shows his ass
  • Anderson Cooper, Shepard Smith or Rachel Maddow doing literally anything

Meanwhile, the grandchildren are probably playing Mortal Kombat and looking at porn on Twitter because they know that’s the easiest place to look at it without it showing up in your browser history.

Applebee’s has permanently lost two customers. As sad as they may be about selling a couple less plates of four cheese mac & cheese with honey pepper chicken tenders, at least we know the servers will no longer have to deal with a grandma and grandpa who probably can’t tip more than 10% and think that there is something wrong with being gay. Fuck them.

Don’t Make Me Dig Through the Garbage

It has come to my attention that far too many people are leaving their retainers, aligners, false teeth and any number of dental items carelessly wrapped in napkins on restaurant tables causing them to be tossed into the garbage by unsuspecting servers. Inevitably, these forgetful customers eventually realize what happened and they call the restaurant to ask their server to dig through bags and bags of wet garbage to retrieve the precious and valuable item that they had absolutely no concern for earlier. Suddenly it’s the most important thing on the planet and they think it’s easy for the server to just “go look” for it, like there’s one teeny, tiny garbage can that’s full of clean napkins and rainbows.

People, pay attention to your own shit. Servers do not have time to be digging through the garbage because you were too busy taking Instagram photos of your Lobster Claw Bloody Mary to notice that your $5000 Invisalign got picked up with that half-eaten Cheddar Bay Biscuit. If you are one of the hundreds of customers who have done this and actually had a server find it for you, I hope you repaid the favor by digging deep into your pockets and tipping huge amounts of cash. And I’m not talking 20%. That’s the percentage we expect when we do a good job of serving you. If we crawl through the garbage looking for some dentures reenacting that scene in Star Wars where Princess Leia, Han Solo and Luke Skywalker are flailing through garbage moments before being compacted, we need much, much more than 20%. And servers don’t have C-3PO or R2-D2 to help them out, so you might want to consider a 100% tip. Yeah, it might seem like a lot, but it’s way cheaper than going to your orthodontist and paying them for another set of retainers. And if you’re leaving your false teeth at the restaurant, how is that even possible? Don’t you need your teeth to eat or did Applebee’s add a creamed corn and applesauce entree to their menu?

If you’re one of those servers who has done this for a customer, you are a good soul and truly wonderful person.

I, on the other hand…

 

A Comment on Comments – “Go Kill Yourself” Edition

Once upon a time, this blog was filled with more personal stories about my daily goings on and my personal emotions that washed over me each day while I took orders and silently seethed at my customers. Over time, it has evolved into what it is today which is more of an essay-based critical eye on current events and me pushing either a product or my personae. I used to write the occasional blog post called “Comment on Comments” which was my retaliation against some sad, unsuspecting soul who left a comment on a blog post. Those particular posts slacked off over time because they felt unnecessarily mean spirited and spiteful.

Until today.

Let week, I received an email alerting me to a comment on a blog post that was written over five years ago, called “An Open Letter to the Barefoot Kids At Table 15.” You can read it, so I won’t go over what it was about, but essentially I called the little kid and asshole and his mother a whore. The comment was as follows:

Are you serious? Writing this douchey ass blog to rant at a three year old and call him a little asshole? The parents being called idiots, yeah I can understand but the three year old? You should go kill yourself dude. Get bent and shove this blog.

It was written anonymously, but since I’m the fucking admin of my own blog, I know that his name is Matt Blair and he has a Gmail address. First off, his name sounds like he should be a preppy blond football caption wearing an Izod shirt with an upturned collar who goes to Stone Academy, the all-boys military school that was near Eastland School for girls on The Facts of Life. He would meet Blair Warner at a school dance and Blair would totally fall in love with him because if she married him, her name would be Blair Blair. On their second day he would try to get to second base with her and she would end things because she’s not that kind of girl. Anyhoo, my point is that Matt Blair has a lot of balls to call my blog douchey when his middle name is probably Vinegar.

Yes, I called the kid an asshole and I’m not gonna apologize for that. Everyone knows that some kids are assholes. Just yesterday on the G train, I watched five-year old watch videos with his mother on her iPhone. “That’s so funny, Mommy,” he would say or “That’s really good, huh, Mommy?” And then he would push out this fake ass sounding laugh that was way too loud and I could see his beady little eyes scanning the subway car trying to soak up some attention. I mean, what a little asshole, right? It seemed like mom probably even knew it too based on how she wasn’t really making eye contact with him. (Spoiler alert: he reminded me of me.) So yes, some kids are assholes.

And then he says I should go kill myself. Really, Matt Blair? The blog post I wrote in 20-fucking-14 was so offensive that I should literally take my own life? No thanks, not gonna do that. And by the way, when did “go kill yourself” become such a sick burn? I must have missed that email blast. If you meant it to be funny, it’s not and if you meant it seriously, you’re a shitty person. Suicide isn’t something to casually toss off as an insult and if anyone reading this is struggling witht he idea of staying alive, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. 

Matt does slightly redeem himself by telling me to “get bent and shove this blog.” But I still wanted more. If someone is going to insult me, I really want to see some creativity and effort. So to Matt Blair, I say this:

Get bent. And I mean, like, Crazy Straw bent, all twisted and turned in so many different directions that you can’t even tell which way is up anymore. Like you think you’re right side up, but you are so bent that when snot drips out of your nose it goes right into that little canal in the corner of your eye seeping into your eyeball like the way Visene does for people who can’t put eyedroppers directly into their eyes.

And you should shove your comment, Matt, but where to shove? So many orifices, so little time, you know? Ass shoving is so predictable, so let’s not shove your comment there. I would suggest shoving it down your throat, but your throat is probably already full of the liberal agenda, the homosexual lifestyle or whatever it is that people are shoving down throats these days. How about just collectively shove the comment up your IP address? Cool?

Thanks for the comment, Matt. I certainly do love reading them. And please know that any time one of you leaves a comments, I will get an email notification about it, because just like that little asshole on the G train, I crave attention.

Holiday Gift Ideas for the Server in Your Life

With the holidays sneaking up on us like a customer trying to be all stealthy and slip into our restaurant two minutes before we close, it’s time to think about the gifts we may be giving to the servers in our lives. Maybe you regrettably decided to take part in a Secret Santa event or perhaps you’re a restaurant manager/owner looking for gift ideas for your staff. Or maybe you’re a genuinely nice person who actually enjoys giving gifts for Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa or the Winter Solstice. Whatever the reason is, I’ve got you covered. And all of these are twenty dollars and under. And here they are:


Why not a new checkbook from Waiter Wallet? It’s affordable, functional, stylish and will help even the most disorganized server look less like the fuck up we know they are. $18.95, CLICK HERE.


This “Make America Tip Again” t-shirt is a great way to let the world know that we aren’t bringing that fifth Diet Coke refill because we think it’s good for you. We’re doing it for the money. $20.00, CLICK HERE.


How about a big ass box of pens? The next time one of your coworkers ask to borrow one of yours, tell them to go fuck off and get one out of the box. $15.99, CLICK HERE.

 


The only way to get through a “clopen” is with a a lot of coffee, caffeine, or coke. Whatever you choose to use, put it in this awesome Clopen mug. $12.00, CLICK HERE.

 


My book, duh. It’s super cheap and super relatable for anyone who wears an apron for a living. It’ll make you laugh and maybe even make you cry. And if you need more of a reason to buy it, this review from a varied Amazon customer ought to do it: “Just one foul word after another. I threw it in the trash.” $14.95, CLICK HERE.


 

A personalized video shout out from the Bitchy Waiter himself via the Cameo app. You can tell me what to say and I’ll say it (within reason, people.) The video then goes to your friend and they can cherish it forever or until there’s no more room on their phone for it, whichever comes first. $7.00, CLICK HERE.


If saying “corner” is embedded in our brains so deeply that we even say it at the grocery store, why not just wear a t-shirt that says it for you? $19.99, CLICK HERE.


Happy holidays, bitches!

Server Tells Boss Exactly How She Feels

There isn’t one person who is reading this blog right now who hasn’t dreamed of quitting their job in some kind of epic fashion. Last year, a Walmart employee quit via the storewide intercom system while recording himself. The video went viral because he did what we all want to do, but so seldom have the courage to follow through on. 

 

In the restaurant industry, we are bombarded with reasons to want to quit, leaving a trail of destruction behind us. How fulfilling it would be to climb atop Table 9 in the middle of a busy Saturday night shift and say at the top of your lungs, “This place is a shit show and you can all go eat my farts.” The only problem with leaving in such a fashion is that you definitely cannot use that job as a reference and you should probably have another job lined up before you do it.

This brings me to what happened last week at Movie Tavern in Syracuse, New York. An employee who shall not be named, had already put in her notice and her last day was still a few days away. However, it seems that she could not take even another minute working for a particular general manager and decided to do something big. At the end of the shift, she sent a message via Hot Schedules to the GM and the entire FOH staff saying exactly how she felt.

I and many employees bite our tongue because we are scared to seek up for ourselves with the fear of being fired out of spite, but I’m done holding back. The way you treat your employees is horrible. You constantly belittle us speak to us in a rude manner and treat us like we don’t matter. Respect is earned not given just because you hold the title of General Manager. You should re-evaluate the way you treat your employees because the majority of us can’t stand working with you.

Sincerely,

Name Withheld

P.S. Oh and by the way, I quit! I’ll miss you all! (Except you, Name Withheld.)

I can only imagine how this message filled this server’s soul with joy. Just knowing that she got to say exactly what she wanted to say to her boss, but also that the entire team saw it as well, has to be so satisfying. The best part is that now the General Manger knows exactly how her team feels about working for her and she has to accept it. She can tip toe around asking, “Well, is that how you feel?” and “Does everyone here hate me?” And no matter what anyone says to her face, she’ll know what they are probably thinking.

Vengeance can be a wonderful thing.

I wish all good things to this employee who gave her co-workers a wonderful gift this holiday season. Hopefully, this GM will see the error in her ways and change her behavior. Or perhaps Movie Tavern will investigate and see what they can do to make the working conditions more tolerable for Syracuse employees.

Restaurant managers need to understand this: the majority of those of us who work in the service industry want to do a good job. If management treats us with respect, we will have even more incentive to work harder. Too many managers think it’s alright to treat us poorly but then turn around and expect us to treat our customers and co-workers with respect. That’s not how it works. We are a team and when we all respect each other, morale goes up and service gets better. If you’re a manager who doesn’t respect your employees, then you 100% deserve to be roasted on Hot Schedules and this blog. Get your shit together, Movie Tavern Syracuse.

How To F*ck With a Phisher

As anyone who reads this blog knows, I can be a little bit of a bitch. Even if you’ve never read this blog, the title alone should be a good indicator of what to expect. Last week, a friend of mine mentioned on Twitter that she had been hacked and to possibly expect an email that would appear to be from her, but wouldn’t be. Someone was using her name and asking for a favor. Sure enough, that afternoon, my inbox pinged with an email from Kat showing an innocuous “hello” in the subject line. It had arrived and I had a plan. I wanted to see how long I could tag this scammer along and how ridiculous I could get before they finally gave up on me. And so it began:

December 12, 2019, 2:04 PM

How are you doing and how is everything going with you and the family?

December 12, 2019 2:13 PM

Hi Kat!

Thank you for asking! Actually it’s been a long road for my dad, as you know. Ever since his amputation, he finds it really difficult to see life from a positive perspective. I guess I can understand. I mean, as if it wasn’t difficult enough for him to lose his sight now he hast to lose his leg too? My mom is great, however. She was acquitted of all charges so that’s good news! I couldn’t bear the thought of spending another holiday with her behind bars. 

What about you?? Did your brother ever find that missing hubcap? I swear to God, that was the funniest thing I have ever seen. Has he been allowed to Disney World since? 

Thanks for reaching out. You always know how to brighten my day. I hope you are well. Happy holidays.

Love, 

Betty White

December 12 , 2019 2:26 PM

Hi, Betty 

Thanks for getting back to me and am very happy to hear from you, I’m spending the Holiday season with him next week Thursday night. I need a quick favour from you i don’t know if you are busy or not to get what I need at the store because I can’t get it here and it very urgent.

December 12, 2019 4;10 PM

What do you need? Just let me know. Please don’t ask me to mail another bottle of tequila. We KNOW how that went last time. (My suitcase still smells like lime juice and baby powder!)

Betty

December 12, 2019, 7:14 PM

Yes, please!  I need to get an Amazon gift card or Google play card , i tried purchasing online but unfortunately no luck with that.Can you get it from any store around you? I’ll pay back as soon as i am back. Kindly let me know if you can handle this so i can tell you how to send the card. Await your soonest response.

Thanks,

Kat 

December 12, 2019 9:21 PM

Sure, is everything OK? How can I get the card to you. Aren’t you with your brother? Is Chad OK?

I have a couple American Express gift cards here at home that I have had for a while. With those be helpful? I have had them for about six months. I won them at work for perfect attendance and for most improved. I was so proud!

BW

December 12, 2019, 9:24 PM

Yes, everything is fine. Thank you very much. Total amount needed is $2,500, $100 denominations. You can get it from any store around you and I need you to scratch the back of the card to reveal the pin, then take a screenshot of the back showing the pin and have them sent to me including the purchase receipt.

Thanks,

December 12, 2019, 9:31 PM

Are you getting the card now

December 13, 2019, 12:06 AM

Hey, wait a minute… This is starting to sound fishy. Kat? Is this really you? Prove to me that it’s you and tell me where your birthmark is. I know you know I know where it is. Ha ha ha! 

I think my AmEx gift cards are for a total of $150. I can mail them to you tomorrow if you want. I also have a $5 reward at 16 Handles if you are craving some frozen yogurt. LMK. 

Truly yours,

BETTY WHITE

December 13, 2009, 12:38 AM

Hi, Betty

I’m really not happy with what you just ask me when you know where my birthmark is and yes it me Kat can you try and get me the Amazon gift card or Google play card that is what I need  i need you to scratch the back of the card to reveal the pin, then take a screenshot of the back showing the pin and have them sent to me including the purchase receipt.

December 13, 2019, 7:54 AM

I’m sorry, Kat. I didn’t mean to upset you. Did you forget that was our little inside joke from summer camp back in 1982? You silly goose, you don’t even have a birthmark! Can’t I just send you the AmEx gift cards? I can overnight them. I guess I could go to 7-11 to buy an Amazon acrd, but I definitely cannot afford $2500. I’d have to rob a bank and I for sure don’t want to go though that again unless you were with me. Would $250 in Amazon cards be okay coupled with the AmEx cards? That would be a total of $400. (I just need you to pinky swear that you will pay me back.) I can go get them today if I can manage to get away from my kid. Butch Patrick is just learning how to walk so I have to keep my eye on him at all times. I miss the days when all he could do was lay on his back and I could go do whatever I wanted for hours at a time. 

Just let me know if the $250 will be enough. Oh, and do you want the $5 credit at 16 Handles? If not, it’s fine. They might not even have frozen yogurt where you are. Besides, I do have a craving for some Cookies and Cream! Yumm-o!

xo,

Betty

December 13, 2019, 9:22 AM

Betty can you try and get the Amazon gift card for me at the store the Amazon gift card should be $1000 plus the Amerix Gift card. Get the Amazon gift card it should be $100 each i need you to scratch the back of the card to reveal the pin, then take a screenshot of the back showing the pin and have them sent to me including the purchase receipt.

December 13, 2019, 9:27 AM

I can’t afford that, Kat. Is $300 enough? And maybe a back rub the next time I see you? (wink wink)

December 13, 2019, 9:29 AM

Am going to pay you back that why the $300 won’t be enough okay. Can you get the card now. It should be $100 each okay 

December 13, 2019, 9:34 AM

Betty did you got my message

December 13, 2019, 9:37 AM

Yes. I need to borrow my uncle’s truck as soon as he gets back from the methadone clinic. And hopefully he can watch Little Butch Patrick while I go get the cards. The last time I took him to 7-11, he somehow managed to climb into the Slurpee machine. That darn kid!

But I can’t do more than $500 tops. Is that okay?

I love you, Kat. Are you safe?

December 13, 2019, 9:40 AM

Yeah, that’s fine. It should be $100 and when is he coming add me up through my email so that will can chat on Google hangout okay 

December 13, 9:50 AM

Okay, great. He should be home in about two hours. And then I have to finish doing the  laundry. Oh, and I just started watching Fleabag and can hardly tear myself away from the TV. Have you seen it?? It reminds me so much of you, you dirty girl. Hot Priest looks like Mr. Moreau from high school and we both know how we felt about him. Didn’t he give you crabs or am I getting that mixed up with someone else?

Are you okay, Kat? I’m worried.

xoxo,

Betty 

December 13, 2019, 9:59 AM

Yes I’m okay just little worry try and get the card for me Asap okay

December 13, 2019, 10:17 AM

Random gift card someone I work with had that I took a picture of.

December 13, 2019, 10:25 AM

Betty what card is this one have you got the Amazon gift card 

December 13, 2019, December 13, 2019, 11:13 AM

Betty have you got the card.

December 13, 2019, 11:55 AM

Betty did you got my message

December 13, 2019, 12:59 PM

Hello Betty

December 13, 2019, 1:19 PM

Yes, I got the cards.  I got five cards each for $100. You are not going to believe what happened, though! While I was in the 7-Eleven, Justin Timberlake came in! Of course I was so excited because you know how much I love him, right? So I was having my picture taken with him and getting his autograph and in the excitement I walked out of the store without the cards! Oh my God, I’m such an idiot. Now I have to wait until my uncle gets back from his community service so I can drive back up there and get them. Hopefully, they are still there! I’ll let you know. Keep your fingers crossed.

Betty

December 13, 2019, 1:21 PM

Are You joking with me or not

December 13, 2019, 1:26 PM

No!!! Look!

Random photo from the Internet

I suppose the Justin Timberlake photo proved to be too much because I never heard from my dear friend “Kat” again. But I did manage to string along this asshole for almost 24 hours.

Am I bitchy waiter? Yes. Yes, I am, but I don’t keep my bitchiness at the restaurant, I like to spread it around the Internet.