A normal, straight, ordinary, traditional, heterosexual couple went to their friendly neighborhood Applebee’s this week in Sturgis, Michigan and had their world rocked to its core because of something that happened while they were trying to enjoy some Chicken Wonton Tacos and a couple of pomegranate iced teas. They were so shook up by what happened, that they felt the need to scribble out a note for the restaurant so everyone who works there will know why they will never be back.
To: Sturgiss Applebee’s
When my husband and I sat down at our table, I looked toward one of the TV screens and to my shock there apparently was a soap opera on showing 2 men kissing. I sure am glad we didn’t have our grandchildren with us. So much for “neighborhood” friendly.
From: 2 concerned “never to be back” customers.
This boomer woman got her granny panties all in a bunch because she saw two men kissing on a TV? It’s not like there were two gays dudes double raw dog fisting at Table 16 using guacamole as lube and taking jalapeño poppers. Lady, it’s a TV show, get over yourself. And so what if your grandchildren were there with you. Do you think them seeing two men kissing on TV is going to propel them into a deep, dark hole of moral degeneracy any more than what they see on the news every day? Your precious grandkids probably have active shooter drills at their school and I can pretty much guarantee that is way more stress-inducing than seeing two members of the same sex lock lips.
So they’re never going back to Applebee’s as if it’s the restaurant’s fault that some soap opera has a fictional storyline involving two grown men in a consensual act of kissing. Is Applebee’s supposed to hire someone to pre-screen everything that shows on their televisions and enact a three-second delay in case something shocking makes it through the airwaves? I can only imagine what else might be so offensive that would cause Grandma and Grandpa Stick Up Their Ass to abandon their “neighborhood” friendly restaurant:
- RuPaul’s Drag Race
- A JCPenney bra commercial
- That scene in Yentl when Mandy Patinkin shows his ass
- Anderson Cooper, Shepard Smith or Rachel Maddow doing literally anything
Meanwhile, the grandchildren are probably playing Mortal Kombat and looking at porn on Twitter because they know that’s the easiest place to look at it without it showing up in your browser history.
Applebee’s has permanently lost two customers. As sad as they may be about selling a couple less plates of four cheese mac & cheese with honey pepper chicken tenders, at least we know the servers will no longer have to deal with a grandma and grandpa who probably can’t tip more than 10% and think that there is something wrong with being gay. Fuck them.
It has come to my attention that far too many people are leaving their retainers, aligners, false teeth and any number of dental items carelessly wrapped in napkins on restaurant tables causing them to be tossed into the garbage by unsuspecting servers. Inevitably, these forgetful customers eventually realize what happened and they call the restaurant to ask their server to dig through bags and bags of wet garbage to retrieve the precious and valuable item that they had absolutely no concern for earlier. Suddenly it’s the most important thing on the planet and they think it’s easy for the server to just “go look” for it, like there’s one teeny, tiny garbage can that’s full of clean napkins and rainbows. 
Once upon a time, this blog was filled with more personal stories about my daily goings on and my personal emotions that washed over me each day while I took orders and silently seethed at my customers. Over time, it has evolved into what it is today which is more of an essay-based critical eye on current events and me pushing either a product or my personae. I used to write the occasional blog post called “Comment on Comments” which was my retaliation against some sad, unsuspecting soul who left a comment on a blog post. Those particular posts slacked off over time because they felt unnecessarily mean spirited and spiteful.
With the holidays sneaking up on us like a customer trying to be all stealthy and slip into our restaurant two minutes before we close, it’s time to think about the gifts we may be giving to the servers in our lives. Maybe you regrettably decided to take part in a Secret Santa event or perhaps you’re a restaurant manager/owner looking for gift ideas for your staff. Or maybe you’re a genuinely nice person who actually enjoys giving gifts for Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa or the Winter Solstice. Whatever the reason is, I’ve got you covered. And all of these are twenty dollars and under. And here they are:
Why not a new checkbook from Waiter Wallet? It’s affordable, functional, stylish and will help even the most disorganized server look less like the fuck up we know they are. 
This “Make America Tip Again” t-shirt is a great way to let the world know that we aren’t bringing that fifth Diet Coke refill because we think it’s good for you. We’re doing it for the money. 
How about a big ass box of pens? The next time one of your coworkers ask to borrow one of yours, tell them to go fuck off and get one out of the box. 
The only way to get through a “clopen” is with a a lot of coffee, caffeine, or coke. Whatever you choose to use, put it in this awesome Clopen mug. 
My book, duh. It’s super cheap and super relatable for anyone who wears an apron for a living. It’ll make you laugh and maybe even make you cry. And if you need more of a reason to buy it, this review from a varied Amazon customer ought to do it: “Just one foul word after another. 
If saying “corner” is embedded in our brains so deeply that we even say it at the grocery store, why not just wear a t-shirt that says it for you? 
There isn’t one person who is reading this blog right now who hasn’t dreamed of quitting their job in some kind of epic fashion. Last year, a Walmart employee quit via the storewide intercom system while recording himself. The video went viral because he did what we all want to do, but so seldom have the courage to follow through on. 
As anyone who reads this blog knows, I can be a little bit of a bitch. Even if you’ve never read this blog, the title alone should be a good indicator of what to expect. Last week, a friend of mine mentioned on Twitter that she had been hacked and to possibly expect an email that would appear to be from her, but wouldn’t be. Someone was using her name and asking for a favor. Sure enough, that afternoon, my inbox pinged with an email from Kat showing an innocuous “hello” in the subject line. It had arrived and I had a plan. I wanted to see how long I could tag this scammer along and how ridiculous I could get before they finally gave up on me. And so it began:
