Really, America?
As if babies aren’t annoying enough, a restaurant now wants someone to name their offspring Quinoa so I can have yet another reason to think babies are disgusting. BJ’s Restaurant & Brewhouse has announced a contest that will pay $10,000 to the first parents who name their baby “Quinoa.” This is to promote their new menu item of Quinoa Bowls, because this is America and everything has a price. The baby needs to escape the womb between now and Labor Day, and then the desperate parents will have until October 21 to submit the birth certificate as proof. According to BJ’s, there is not one single person in the country named Quinoa and they think that is a damn shame. Personally, I feel they didn’t search hard enough. Surely there is some little girl out there named Quinoa who has a brother named Barley and a sister named Gynelotrimin who calls her vagina a cous-cous. By the way, when they say “$10,000” they actually mean $10,000 worth of gift cards to Bj’s Restaurant & Brewhouse. That means that mom and dad can look forward to about 1,117 orders of chicken pot stickers in their future. Or maybe on 1,116 orders so that Baby Quinoa can have an order of Mini Corn Dogs and a side of happy Face Potatoes.
The only think more ridiculous than the contest itself is that someone is going to actually win it. There are probably women across the country who are putting holes in their condoms as I type just so they can have the chance to get a baby to name Quinoa. And men are thinking about it too.
“Oh, baby, I’m gonna come.”
“Pull out,” she says. “You’re not wearing a condom.”
“I don’t wanna pull out, I wanna make a baby with you.”
“No, pull out, pull out!”
“Oh my God, oh my God, I’m gonna come, oh my God! Quinoaaaaa!!!”
You know it’s true, don’t you?
Even though parents have until Labor Day to have a baby named Quinoa, I bet we have a winner by tomorrow. Some sad trick who is eight and half months pregnant and craving an oder of Spinach Stuffed Mushrooms just called her doctor to see if she could schedule a c-section for this afternoon so she can get home in time for Wheel of Fortune. She will scribble out “Quinoa” on the birth certificate, post a photo of it on BJ’s Facebook page and be there this weekend to claim her prize. Winner, winner, quinoa dinner!
Six years from now, on the first day of school in some white trash town, a teacher will look down at her list of students and see six kids named Quinoa. They will all have bitter parents who have shunned BJ’s because they named their child after a grain for no good reason. The kids will be known as the “Food Group” and have to go by their last initials. Quinoa is the new Emma.
Kelly
Have you seen ‘My Imaginary well dressed toddler daughter?’ Started as a pinterest thing, I think there is a book too. Do a search, it is hilarious. The adventures of Quinoa and her best friend Chevron. They also have a little mate called Hashtag.
Meredith
I think the main problem here is anyone who would enter this contest doesn’t know what quinoa is, let alone how to pronounce it. There will be a whole bunch of little kids with names spelled “Quinoa” but the parents will be pronouncing it “Kwee-no-a.”
kron
Now if it were actually 10k in cash, couldn’t the parents change the name after they win the contest? Yeah, people that are poor of any race would do it. Lol…only in America!
kron
Although I must admit…Quinoa sounds more like a persons name than Moon Unit, Dweezle, Apple, North West, Blanket, or other celebrity kid names! Which ones did I miss?
nico@ver
I was thinking exactly the same. 10000$ worth of food looks ok if one is starving.
Plys there are so many ridiculous name already….
Gilbey
How can they be trying to conceive the baby for this contest if it has to be born before Labor Day? If they didn’t announce this until after the conception cutoff, at least no one can get knocked up for the express purpose of this contest. That $10,000 gift card will probably be sold on eBay for $1,593 and buy the parents a lot of Bud Light. Would you have to report a 10K restaurant gift card to the food stamp office as a resource? You know the winner is going to be a food stamp recipient.
Gilbey
“Yes, babby Quinoa qualified your household for an increase in food stamps…but the $10,000 gift card that came with her has been judged an excessive resource and now none of you are eligible,” said the state worker to the white trash mother. That would be sweet.
April
That is one of the more stupid things that I’ve ever heard.