Valentine’s Day is just a few days away and if you’re thinking of getting roses or candy for that special someone, you need to reconfigure you ideas for romance. Wake up, bitches. It’s 2019 and the only way to prove your true love is to buy your Valentine a bouquet of Olive Garden breadsticks.
It’s not an actual menu item or anything, because even the higher ups at Olive Garden know how bat shit crazy this idea is, but they have created some bouquet wrapping paper that you can print out on your own. Then you have to hop, skip or jump over to your nearest Olive Garden to buy some breadsticks to-go and then wrap up your doughy sticks of love in the wrapping paper. Good luck with that, because if you’re printer is anything like mine, it’s going to come out half-printed, crooked, barely legible and look like crap because you bought the cheapest ream of paper available at Staples. You have six different options of wrapping paper and each and every one of them is cheesier than the Five Cheese Ziti al Forno.
- Love at first bite.
- ‘Till the breadsticks run out do us part.
- We belong together like spaghetti and meatballs.
- To have and to hold. And most importantly, to eat.
- Roses are red, violets are blue. Here’s a bouquet of breadsticks I made for you.
- My love for you is never ending.
Someone in the marketing department went all out with those sayings, but they forgot a few and I would like to offer my suggestions:
- Each breadstick is a 140 calories. I love you, fat ass.
- This was cheaper than a dozen long-stem roses.
- I literally do not care about Valentine’s day at all.
- Sorry about your yeast infection, but here’s some bread.
- I’m breaking up with you.
- My love for you is totally processed.
- If you like this gift, we were made for each other.
Happy Valentine’s day, everybody. If you want to download the bouquet wrap, here’s the link.
And if you want a much better gift for the love of your life, click here for a personalized Bitchy Waiter video or here for a My Job is Real, My Smile is Fake t-shirt.