Asteroid Could Destroy Earth Tomorrow; Here’s What to Do At Work Tonight

Buh bye.

Buh bye.

Well, I want to prepare everyone and myself for the possibility that this could quite possibly be the last blog post ever written. As scary as that may seem, it is a reality. According to an online report, tomorrow May 14th, a huge asteroid is going to skim past the earth, barely missing our big blue marble of a planet. Astronomers have calculated that it will not hit us, but if that asteroid changes its mind as often as the bitch at Table 12 did last night, it could slam right into us and end life as we know it.

“It would undoubtedly lead to the deaths of around 1.5 billion people, we are looking at a mass extinction of humanity. To understand the impact of something on this scale, you would have to look to the science fiction writers, it is incomprehensible,” said Bill Napier, professor of astronomy at the University of Buckinghamshire. Since this guy is British, I tend to believe him even though his university sounds like an omelet I would serve at brunch.

We must prepare ourselves and since this could be your last shift at the restaurant, you need to make it count which is why I have advice for everyone. Tonight, as you wait tables, I urge to you to say and do everything you are thinking. When a customer is on your last nerve, don’t swallow that frustration. Instead, swallow a shot of tequila and head right back to that customer and tell them how you feel.

“Really? Are you going to die if you don’t get your well-done burger in the next five minutes?” you should tell them. “Because we are all going to literally die tomorrow when an asteroid the size of 100 Kim Kardashian asses hits our planet and kills us all. The only things that will survive are cockroaches and our special of the day, the baby-back ribs. Thank you for coming in and have a nice night, jack off.”

At the end of your shift, do not bother filling the salt and pepper shakers because tomorrow at lunch, no one is going to care after a a huge lump of moon rock careens into our planet at 30,000 mph. Okay, there will be that one goody two-shoes waitress that nobody likes who will care, but other than that, no one. I can just see that waitress running over to the manager and complaining.

“Ummm, it seems as if the night crew is shirking their duties once again. Look what I found: half empty salt shakers. Honestly, if we can’t work as a team, this restaurant will never achieve its full potential,” she’ll say. And then a a ball of fire will swoop in through the employee entrance and burn her to a crisp while everyone else at work watches, too lazy to go find the fire extinguisher to put her out.

Tonight when you are batching out your credit cards and adding the tips to each them, I say add a thousand dollars to each one. No, you want actually get that money because banks will likely be closed tomorrow as the earth falls off it axis and drifts out into the Milky Way, but at least for one brief moment you can see what a tip report looks like that says you earned $100,000. Customers aren’t going to know unless they have text messaging set up on their credit card and even then, who cares? We’re all dead tomorrow anyway.

Perhaps the asteroid will not hit the earth and tomorrow will be just another day. If that’s the case, you may have some explaining to do when there is no sidework completed, Yelp has exploded with bad reviews about you and the FBI is knocking at your door for credit card fraud, but I say live a little. Don’t you want to make sure that if tonight is your last shift at the restaurant that it’s a special one? I mean, if the earth is going to go out with a big bang, shouldn’t you at least aim for a little one?

Good luck tomorrow. Most of us will probably be gone, but for the few of you who survive, I only wish the best for you. Loot, pillage, get what you can and make the most of it. I think the best thing about life as we know it ending will be that I no longer have to to see anymore goddam fucking Buzzfeed quizzes about which Disney princess I would be.


  1. Christina
  2. Monica
    • Monica

Leave a Reply

I want two things: a shift drink and your email address!

Someday, if I ever get my act together, I might send out a weekly newsletter about the wonderful goings on of the restaurant industry. Or maybe I won't.