Having been on vacation for a while and being up to my bloodshot eyeballs in writing my book (it comes out Spring of 2016, so start saving your pennies, because I need everyone to buy a copy), I have not had time to write a new blog post. Today, I have found the time and the inspiration. The time comes from me avoiding other responsibilities like laundry and bathing but the inspiration comes from someone named Raven who sharted out about 15 comments on a blog post, each comment covered in more dingleberries than the one before it. In a blog post called “Why Waiters Say and Do What They Say and Do,” I did my best to explain the reasoning behind so many of the things we do at our jobs. Raven was having none of it. She felt the need to comment about everything and now I feel that same need in this Comment on Comments post.
Raven said: TAP WATER WTF???!? It is NEVER okay to give someone fucking TAP water, unless you specifically inform them that that’s the kind of water you use at your restaurant, first. No one is interested in being poisoned without first agreeing to it!! When you order water at a restaurant, you are of course expecting for the water to come from the drink fountain, so you know it’s not tap. Are you telling me that restaurants have been poisoning me with fluoride and now for the rest of my life I have to specifically ensure that they are using water instead of poisoned water??!? But even McDonald’s does not use tap water! Why the hell wouldn’t you specifically make sure the customers know if they will be being given tap water when they think it has been filtered?!
Raven, I think most restaurants are using tap water, so chill your tits, bitch. While I agree with you that most people are not interested in being poisoned, I find it highly unlikely that you will find anyone who agrees to it.
“Good evening, ma’am. Would you mind if I sprinkle cyanide on your salad this evening?”
“Well, ordinarily, I’d say no, but since you are asking me first and giving me the chance to agree to it, yes I would love it. Extra cyanide, please. And can i have fresh ground pepper as well?”
I wonder what water fountains Raven has been using that produce magically filtered water? If a server brings you a glass of water that you did not ask for, you can bet your ass that it came from the dreaded TAP. I’ve never worked at McDonald’s (thank God for small miracles) but I bet they use tap water too. I guess Raven has been poisoned with fluoride her whole life and despite the fact that she may have fewer cavities in her chewing bones, she is not happy about it. She’d rather have rotted teeth covered in decay than be given water that she did not ask for. Raven, pull that Evian bottle out of you ass, fill it up with air and choke on it.
Raven said: YOU DONT GET TO DECIDE WHEN THE FUCK I LEAVE RANDOMLY PUTTING BILLS ON MY TABLE WHEN I HAVE NOT ASKED FOR IT. WHEN I WANT TO LEAVE I WILL FUCKING LEAVE THAT’S HOW BUSINESSES WORK. I WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE MY DRINK UNTIL THEN AND IF YOU WANT SOMEONE TO LEAVE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE BETTER FILL IT UP. PROBABLY PAID NEARLY THREE DOLLARS FOR THAT DRINK; DO YOU THINK SOMEONE IS SO RIDICULOUSLY STUPID AS TO LEAVE BEFORE IT HAS BEEN REFILLED AT LEAST FOUR TIMES?!
Actually, Raven, placing a check on the table of the customer who is going to pay it, is far from random. It’s very specific. Random would be if I just reached into my apron and pulled out any check and then gave it to any person not caring whose check it was. You can leave whenever the fuck you want and we can give you the check whenever the fuck we want. That’s how business works. It’s a two-way street, bitch, so why don’t you go sit in it and finish your three dollar drink before a truck runs over your ass?
She continues: FUCKING IDIOT, YOU DONT REFILL A DRINK THEN SOMEONE OBVIOUSLY IS NOT GOING TO COME BACK AND *******SURE******* AS FUCK WOULD NEVER LEAVE ANY TIP FOR A WAITER THAT CANT EVEN REFILL A FUCKING DRINK!!!!
I’m pretty******SURE****** as fuck that you don’t leave any tip ever.
And she had even more to say: …And due to this article, I WILL complain LOUDLY to a manager the next time some idiot waiter puts a fucking bill on my table when I HAVE NOT ASKED FOR ONE AND THEY DONT KNOW IF I’M FUCKING DONE YET. And then I will stay at that table as long as humanly possible, maybe until the restaurant closes if I’m not busy that day, and make sure to complain as loud as possible and swear a lot at kids and explain exactly why the fuck i have a right to eat and order whatever the fuck I want after I have already paid exorbitant prices for it, doing it this way in order to cause other customers to leave or not want to come back. You don’t get to fucking dictate when I am finished eating and/or ordering things.
Raven, get a fucking life. What you’re saying is that you are willing to sit in a restaurant for an entire day (providing you aren’t busy that day, and why would you be? It is abundantly clear that you have all the time in the world to leave comments on a blog which leads me to believe that you do nothing with your days except watch Maury Povich and troll the Internet) in order to prove the point that you can leave whenever you choose to leave? You can complain as loudly as you want to the manager about your check being presented too early and that manager will reply with a curt, “Your check was given to you so that is ready at your convenience.” And then when you continue to complain loudly and start to swear at kids, all the manager will have to do is call the cops and say, “Yeah can you come and escort this crazy fucking bitch out of my restaurant?” You see, the restaurant does have the right to ask you to leave. If you chose to sit at a table for nine hours all the while yelling and cursing, you can bet your flat ass that you will be escorted out and told never to return.
Raven, thank you for your comments. They were very entertaining and I truly hope you see this blog post dedicated to them. I am here to be the voice of servers across the land and your idiotic remarks were in dire need of a reply. Kindly crawl back into your hole, turn on your wi-fi and find someone else to annoy because I’m done with you.