Last week, I posted an article about a Go Fund Me account that was created for an IHOP waitress named Rhonda. Earlier this year, Rhonda found herself in the news when a butter knife came between her and some customers that she was feeling threatened by. Initially, the story leaned to the side of the customers but as time went on, it became pretty clear that Rhonda was simply doing what she felt necessary in an unfortunate situation with some skanky, low-level diners. A friend of the blog, Stefanie, happened to visit Rhonda’s IHOP and realized what a wonderful caring person she is. The spirit of Christmas crawled up inside of Stefanie and the Go Fund Me account became a reality. Once I shared it on this blog and the Facebook page, I guess the Christmas spirit traveled like a batch of herpes because so many of you responded to it as well. Over the weekend Stefanie made the drop off to Rhonda and I wanted to give you an update.
Because of YOU, Rhonda received a check for $802.05. (A total of $855 was raised, but fees…) Stefanie wanted you all to know that Rhonda was incredibly grateful. As much as Stefanie wanted to take a photo of the whole scene, she didn’t feel it was right to do so. Plus, both her and Rhonda were big ol’ crybabies and nobody wants their picture on the Internet with their face looking all swelled up. However, I have attached photos of the check and the card and also a list of everyone who donated to this great cause. I also used my incredibly bad Photoshop skills to put a Santa hat on Rhonda’s photo above.
You guys really came through and I thank you. It’s good to know that this silly little blog I started nine years ago does have the ability to do some good every now and then. You have all proven that we restaurant folks take care of each other and that as much as we may bitch and complain, we are all a bunch of softies.
Merry Christmas to Rhonda and to all of you who donated. And thank you for giving me a chance to make this world a teeny tiny bit nicer, if even for just a moment.
Look how much we raised!
And the card attached would say, “Thank you for being a friend.”
Here’s to the lady who won’t be lunching at a certain restaurant because of a typo in a newspaper ad for the eatery. We don’t know, in fact, if it was a lady or a man who was so offended by the typo, but let’s be real: we all know it’s an old lady and I shall call her Opal.
One day, Opal opened up her local newspaper to do the crossword puzzle and read the “miscellaneous lost” section in the classifieds when she stumbled across an ad for a local restaurant. Her eagle eyes spotted the word “accommodates” and noticed immediately that it was missing an “m.” Opal was a high school English teacher for 83 years and since retiring in 2012, she has desperately missed grading papers and writing passive aggressive comments to her students with a big red Sharpie. Rather than ignore the misspelling or assume it was a typo, Opal knew she had an opportunity to dust off her gradin’ pen and get to work.
“Now, where did I put my red Sharpie?” she asked herself. “It’s been so long since I have used it.”
After rummaging through a few junk drawers and a couple of boxes labeled “school days,” she gave up looking. “Oh, well, it’s probably all dried out anyway,” she said. And Opal knows a thing or two about being all dried out.
She found a simple ball-point pen and steadfastly circled the error, also adding an asterisk next to it to make sure the mistake was seen. She then retrieved a piece of stationary from her desk (it’s her favorite stationary; the one she bought when visiting a small town near the Grand Canyon that has an image of a dream catcher on it) and composed a short note:
To whom it may concern,
I would never subsidize a restaurant that can’t spell correctly in a newspaper ad. It’s “accommodates.” Hope this is helpful!
Opal was especially proud of the exclamation point at the end of the sentence because she knew that it made it seem that she wasn’t really trying to be helpful and instead was just being a nit-picky bitchy who has nothing better to do with her day than to write a letter to a restaurant she has no intention of going to either with or without a typo in their ad. She placed the letter in the envelope and went to the kitchen to find a sponge that she could use to dampen the flap to the envelope since, as mentioned before, Opal is a bit dried out. Thankfully, her stamp was one of the self-adhesive kind and her level of moisture was not further depleted.
After dropping the letter of correction into her mailbox, Opal sighed with self satisfaction. She knew that she had made a real difference that day. Thanks to her, a restaurant owner was going to know about a most awful injustice that had happened by the misspelling of a word. That owner would also know that they missed out on a customer who would have come in and ordered a hot tea with a side salad and then left a10% tip. Opal would eagerly await the next edition of the newspaper to see if the correction had been made so she could add the restaurant to her list of places she still will never go to.
As many of you know, I don’t take kindly to people who can’t accept the sexuality of someone else and feel the need to denounce that person for being gay. I especially don’t like it when this vile hatred comes from someone who is swaddled in a blanket of Christianity and living in a dream world where they believe God thinks it’s okay to hate other people.
Case in point: an asshole named Adam Fannin who is the pastor of Jacksonville Stedfast Baptist Church in Florida. His church is part of a network of the Fundamentalist Baptist churches founded by another asshole named Donnie Romer. Donnie is a preacher who pretty much celebrated when dozens of people were shot to death in the Pulse nightclub shooting in Orlando. What we have here are two separate assholes. In my 30+ years of being an out gay man, I have had a lot of experience with assholes, but I want to really focus in on one particular asshole today and give that asshole my full and undivided attention. The asshole that will get that focus is Adam Fannin.
This week in his sermon, he wanted to share with his flock his advice on how to avoid a gay waiter:
I dunno, I guess he didn’t feel like talking about 1 John 4:7 that says, “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.” Or perhaps he didn’t want to repeat last week’s sermon when he used Romans 12:10 that says, “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” And surely he forgot about Proverbs 10:12 that says, “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.” Instead, he was inspired by something that didn’t even come from the bible and said, “If I ever go to a restaurant and you sit down, and then here comes this flaming foo-foo fruit loop, right? And you’re like, ‘Oh great. I’m here to have date night, enjoy some time with my wife, and I can’t… because of the lisps, I can’t even,’ you know.”
Yeah, he’s talking about how awful it is to have a gay waiter.
He goes on to explain that you should look around for a “lady that looks like a mom” and a “very diligent worker” and ask that person to be your server instead. Because, not only is it wrong to have a gay waiter serve his food, he also needs it to be presented by a woman who looks like a mom. (And what the fuck does a mom look like anyway?) He at least encourages his sheeple to tip well, but only so that the “foo-foo” will know what he missed out on.
There are so many things wrong with this fucking sermon and I don’t know where to begin.
First off, what the hell does this have to do with church and the bible anyway? There weren’t any fucking waiters in Jerusalem serving Jesus as he was downing dollar chicken wings and slamming back Bloody Mary’s at brunch. It’s just another way for the fundamentalist Christians to throw a little more hate into the already fueled fire. Stick to the Bible, asshole.
Secondly, who cares if the server is gay and how does he even know the server is gay in the first place? Does Adam Fannin have an innate Gaydar or did his server come to the table dressed like Liza Minelli with some fully extended jazz hands? And does he think if he eats food that was handed to him by a gay person that his sexuality is going to switch over and he will find his spouse completely repulsive and disgusting? (“Welcome to my world,” says Adam Fannin’s spouse).
Thirdly, why is this okay? Why is this not considered hate speech? Oh, wait, because we have the First Amendment in this country that gives us the right to free speech. Okay, that’s cool. He can say it and more power to him, but it goes both ways, so now I get to say whatever I want.
Fuck you, Adam Fannin. I don’t know what happened in your life to make you hate certain people for absolutely no reason, but it disgusts me. And what’s even more disgusting is that you are in a position to teach and share, but you have decided to abuse that power and try to persuade others to accept your hateful bigotry. My hope for you is that one day, you are in need and the only person who can help you is a gay one. Maybe you think a gay person isn’t good enough to hand you a plate of fucking baby back ribs, but I bet if the only person who could save the life of your child was a gay man, you’d take that help as eagerly as a hungry bottom at a bukkake party. Gay people are all around you, Adam, and there may have been one in your church that morning who listened to your sermon and now feels like shit about their life. You can’t avoid gay people because we are everywhere. I can assure you that gay people have served your food, fixed your car, bagged your groceries, flown your airplane, cut your hair and I wouldn’t be surprised if one of them even touched your penis once when you were in some random bathroom stall somewhere and you thought no one would ever know about it. Stop worrying about how to avoid a gay waiter and start figuring out how you can find the love in your heart that you think Jesus put there. You’re a dick.
Dear Customers Who Take Both Copies of the Credit Card Receipt,
Stop doing that. Maybe you don’t know what happens when you absentmindedly walk out with the customer copy as well as the merchant copy of a credit card receipt, but servers know: we don’t get the tip you wrote in. That’s right, if the bill was for $50.56 and you left $11.00 on the tip line, we don’t get it and we have no choice but to hate you and wish bad things upon you for the rest of the night. Seriously, we will hope you get a flat tire or you will run out of gas. And the bigger the tip we didn’t get, the worse things we will wish for. If the tip is anywhere over $20, we are going to send out vibes for your brakes to stop working as you go down a hill. We don’t want you to die or anything, but we certainly wouldn’t mind if you lost control of your car and drove into a huge bale of hay or something that would make your airbags deploy and give you a raging headache. Or maybe we will hope that you will drop your cell phone in the parking lot and before you realize what had happened, another car will run over it and crush your iPhone X into tiny pieces. It may sound harsh, but hey, we basically just worked for free and we’re pissed off about it.
If you are one of the people who take the credit card receipt on purpose, you are officially a horrible person and if karma is a real thing, then you should be preparing your ass for the enormous bite it will soon be receiving. Do what ever can to protect your ass, because that bite is going to be bigger than when a great white shark spots a sea lion and snaps it up quicker than I do when a pizza roll comes out of the microwave. And your ass will deserve that bite. You will spend the rest of your life walking around with only half of an ass because karma will have the rest of your ass stuck between its teeth. Karma will chew and chew on your ass and eventually karma is going to get a toothpick to wedge pieces of your ass out from it’s pearly whites and each time it pulls out a sliver of your ass, it’s going to put your ass right back on its tongue and swallow it. Karma wants your ass.
So, what should you do if you get home to discover both copies of the receipt in your possession? You make amends, that’s what. You call the restaurant and tell them what happened so the server can open up that check again and adjust the tip amount. And if you don’t find the receipt until the next day, then you drive your full ass (because karma hasn’t had a chance to bite it yet) right back to the restaurant and give a cash tip to your server. Yes, cash, because the credit card had already been batched out and the check is closed. Cash is your only option now. It may be inconvenient for you, but that is your own damn fault. The inconvenience of the whole situation will soon wash away when you are on the receiving end of immense gratitude from the server who thought he had been stiffed. You will never see such thankfulness as you will see from a server who gets a tip from a customer days after they thought they had been stiffed. Doing this for your server will also come back in the form of karma. Instead of karma biting off half of your ass, it will instead bring you more ass. Your ass will be huge. In fact, you will have to buy new clothes because karma will bring you so much ass that your nickname will be Bubble Butt (insert name here).
In closing, please be mindful of the merchant copy of the credit card receipt. To you, it’s just another piece of paper. To us, it’s our livelihood.
Way back in May of this year, I wrote a story about a waitress at an IHOP on Long Island who was arrested for pulling a knife on some customers who had kids with special needs. Most of us could totally get where Rhonda Kelly was coming from because not a day goes by that I don’t daydream about shanking at least one or two of the garbage humans who sit in my section. (I’m looking at you, Lady at Booth 16 who asked for your salmon to be well done and then sent it back because it was too dry and then left no tip because the food was “inedible” even though you fucking ate all of the recook and didn’t leave a tip…) You can read the original story about Rhonda here, but it has since come out that the family she “pulled the knife” on were total low-class losers who were insulting, rude, and demanding. And the children may just be more “assholes” than “special needs.” I actually found on Facebook the mother of these kids and she frequently uses the “n” word while posting status after status about how she was victimized by some situation and is always asking for help. In other words, she sounds like a needy, desperate scam artist. I say hats off to Rhonda for only pulling the knife and not actually using it.
A frequent reader and one time contributor to this very blog recently went to IHOP and had Rhonda as her server. When Stefanie realized who was waiting on her, she immediately remembered the blog post about Rhonda. It turns out that the manager of the IHOP had relayed the real story about that incident to Stefanie’s sister and Stefanie shared it with me. She wrote me, “We had her as a server today. She is, by far and away, the nicest woman I have ever seen working in an IHOP. She was an excellent server and just a nice woman who honestly I think really enjoys her job and is a real people person.” A people person who enjoys her job? I don’t relate. The family had unruly kids, and they are NOT special needs. They bitched and moaned about everything, the kids made a huge mess, and Rhonda apparently offered to comp something, but it wasn’t enough. They started getting belligerent. The manager asked them to leave. As they left, one of the parents picked up their full glass of orange juice and poured it all over the table and said something nasty.”
Anyhoo, Stefanie thought she would do something nice for Rhonda seeing how she was so inaccurately represented in various news articles so she started a Go Fund Me Account to give Rhonda an extra big tip for Christmas.
So, if you feel like contributing just one or two dollars to someone who literally go the shaft this year, you can click here and do so. I did. Merry Christmas, Rhonda, from me and all of your fellow servers out here.
Across the country, customers are settling in to various Applebee’s to take advantage of the $1 Long Island Iced Teas that are being served for the month of December.
“What a great deal,” people think. “I bet those are some fine quality, hand-crafted cocktails made with nothing but the finest ingredients!” Just kidding. No one is thinking that. In fact, the only people who are even thinking about Long Island Iced Teas are college students who want to get trashed as quickly as possible.
Last month, when Applebee’s was showcasing its $1 margarita, I was lucky enough to be handed a video that showed how much water was in it the cocktail. This month, I do not have a video of the Long Island Iced Teas being made, but I do have the recipe:
1 liter rum
1 liter gin
1 liter vodka
1 liter triple sec
160 ounces of sweet and sour mix.
That makes a 295 ounce big ass batch of nasty, especially when we see that the sour mix is made with four quarts of water and one bag of GFGB Sweet and Sour Mix. I do not know what “GFGB” stands for, but my guess is that it stands for Gnarly Fucking Gross Bullshit. Once all of the ingredients are slopped together, that means that the $1 Long Island Iced Tea is about 54% water. When you factor in that each drink served has approximately an additional ounce of Pepsi in it, it becomes even more water. Hmmm, 54% water? Actually, that’s not so bad when you realize each cocktail is 46% liquor. A traditional LIT is as follows:
0.75 oz vodka
0.75 oz rum
0.75 oz gin
0.75 oz triple sec
1.5 oz lemon sour
1.5 oz Coke
The above recipe creates a Long Island that is 50% liquor, so Applebee’s isn’t too far off. However, when we look closer at the totally secret photo of the recipe that was sent to me by an Applebee’s mole, we learn that the old recipe was made with 4 quarts of sour mix instead of five meaning the alcohol content was much higher before they started selling them for a dollar. I particularly like the notes in the recipe explaining “there is a significant difference in the taste of the L.I.T.” and “it is slightly lighter in color” now. Yeah, because they’re more watered down now. Never fear though, because whoever it was that sent out that memo made sure to say that it “tastes much better.” Uh huh. Right. Sure it does.
Customers don’t seem to mind the newly watered down version as I have heard from bartender after bartender who tell me that they are making Long Island Iced Teas hand over fist and they are constantly running out of glassware. There is a huge demand and Applebee’s is happy to supply. Just yesterday, I shared a video of a customer who had a few too many and was cut off which he did not appreciate. He proceeded to cuss everyone out and punch an employee before running out of the restaurant. Truly, it was a great video, but someone made me take it down claiming to be the “creative owner” and he wanted 50% of all the profits I made for sharing it on my Facebook page. Well, the jokes on him, because I don’t make money from videos posted on Facebook. Regardless, I took it down and I suppose he is now shopping it around at Worldstar and TMZ. Good luck, dude.
One other thing that Applebee’s servers have filled me in on is that the price of other drinks have increased to make up for the cheap ass LIT’s. One such report is that the Dos Equis Brewtus is $5.99 now instead of $5.29 and the Perfect Patron Margarita went up a whole dollar. Whatever. If you want to take full advantage of the cheap liquor, order yourself a dozen Long Island Iced Teas and then tip your server and bartender generously. You have until the end of December to live it up. By the way, a little bird told me that for the month of January, they will be featuring $1 beers. Have fun, Applebee’s employees!
Totally unrelated: if you would like a personalized video message from me to send to your co-workers or to place on your Facebook page, click here. I will pretty much say anything for you. I have no shame, but you already knew that.