Working in restaurants, we have all seen customers doing something that they should 100%, definitely not be doing in a restaurant. Maybe you saw someone cutting their fingernails or perhaps you witnessed some children playing with Legos in the area right in front of the restrooms. Well, I thought I had seen it all until someone sent me this random photo of a person in his dining room who was spinning yarn. Yes, some lady brought in her spinning wheel and while she waited for her Caesar-extra chicken-sub Ranch-add bacon salad to be prepared, she took her sandals off and spun some freaking yarn. Who does that?
My first thought was why didn’t this woman go get some yarn at the Hobby Lobby? She was going to be at the mall anyway to get an ice cream cone from Chick-Fil-A and the Hobby Lobby is literally right next door. But then, I begin to question if this woman had a real purpose for spinning yarn in the middle of a restaurant. There must be a good reason, right?
I flashed back to 1976 when I was in third grade and I took a school trip to see a touring production of Rumplestiltskin.
(Synopsis of the fairy tale: The village miller told the king that his daughter could spin straw into gold and the king, being a greedy son of a bitch as most royalty is, demanded that the daughter be brought to his castle so he could benefit from her talent. “Here’s a roomful of straw, girl. Turn it into gold by morning or I’ll chop off your head,” he said. The girl knew it was impossible and that her father was a lying sack of shit, but in the night a little imp appeared and turned the straw into gold in exchange for the girl’s necklace. The next morning, the greedy ass king got a golden boner when he saw what had happened, so he gave her more straw to turn into gold and the imp again did her the favor, this time requesting her ring as payment. The next day the king gave her even more straw and when the girl asked the imp for help, he demanded that she give him her firstborn child as payment. “Well, I guess so,” she said. “I mean, it’s better than losing my head.” The next morning, the king was overjoyed and offered to marry her. Since she now hates her father for putting her in this situation in the first place and she figures she may as well get what can out of it, she agrees and becomes Queen. Nine months later, she has a baby and the imp arrives to claim his prize. No word on why he wants a newborn baby. I mean, really? What are babies good for, am I right? She begs him to let her keep the baby and says she will give him all of her wealth instead. He does not accept. Weird, since nine months ago he was good with a cheap ass necklace and a ring but now he’d rather have a baby instead of all the wealth of the kingdom. “I’ll let you keep the baby if you can guess my name in three tries,” he tells her. “I’ll be back tomorrow.” That night, she sends a servant out to spy on his little imp ass and that maid hears him singing a song about his name being Rumplestiltskin. So when he shows up the next morning, the Queen is all, “Umm is your name Tom, Dick or Rumplestiltskin? Boo yah!” The imp is so pissed off that he slams his foot into the ground creating a deep chasm that he falls into and is never seen again.)
Anyway, could this woman be a direct descendant of the Queen? Is spinning thread so ingrained in her DNA that she even does it while in a restaurant? Is she still trying to figure out how the imp turned the straw into gold for her great-great-great-great-great grandmother? And even more importantly, what the fuck are those jean shorts she’s wearing and why the hell didn’t the manager go up to her and say something like, “Ummm, bitch? Can you get the fuck out?”
If we look back in time, I bet the Queen did take her spinning wheel to restaurants. She was, after all, the miller’s daughter and came from humble beginnings. Maybe it reminded her of simpler times to leave the castle every now and then and go to Ye Olde Applebee’s Inn and spin some yarn with the local villagers as they waited for their Brew Pub Pretzels and Beer Cheese Dip. Surely this woman is a direct descendant of Rumplestiltskin’s queen. It’s the only way I can justify why in the hell a woman in 2017 would think it’s a good idea to take spinning wheel to a restaurant and spin some fucking yarn.