I Am Not Your F*cking Coinstar Machine

coins suck

coins suck

Buckle up, boys and girls, because I’m going to complain about something that is going to get plenty of negative response. I am going to bitch about people who, when it comes time to tip their server, empty their piggy banks and dump a mint load of coins onto the table like a Bukkake boy who just jizzed out a roll of pennies. Yes, I know that “money is money” and “it all spends the same way,” but no server wants his apron to be weighed down by twelve dollars in coins making it hang lower than a pair of 85-year old testicles on a hot humid night. Is it wrong of me to complain about receiving money? Yes, absolutely. However, it is also wrong of me to drink at work, Tweet at work, Facebook at work, make fun of old people at work and a myriad of other things that happen regularly in my life, so I shall complain anyway.

Lots of servers have to carry their own bank at work meaning that we have our dirty pockets full of even dirtier money so that when some asshole hands us a $100 bill, we can make sure we have four twenties, a ten, a five, four singles, three quarters, one dime, two nickels and five pennies. If you work in a busy restaurant, by the end of the day you can have a lot of cash on your person. When I worked at the Marriott on Mother’s Day brunch, I was the “money guy” for our pooled tips and by the end of the day there could be over $6,000 in my pocket. For any server who carries his own bank, I feel I can speak for them when I say this:

We like bills and not coins.

How many times has a woman decided to clean out her purse in your section and by doing so the table is covered with old gum wrappers, receipts and a pile of coins? And foreign tourists are the worst. It’s the day before they go back to their country and they don’t want to get stuck with all the coins so they just toss them on the table. Again, it’s money and I’m not gonna turn it down, but I really am not thrilled about jingle-jangling around the restaurant for the rest of the day with a bunch of copper Abraham Lincoln bitches bouncing around in my pouch. I don’t blame the tourists because I wouldn’t want to leave a country with a bunch of their currency stuck in my bag either, but what I cannot accept is when someone does it who just seems like they were too lazy to drag their ass to a fucking Coinstar machine. I am not your fucking Coinstar machine. Don’t be showing up at my table with baggies of coins and rolled pennies that you want to push off onto me. Yes, I have had people pay with rolls of coins and that too is bullshit because how am I supposed to know if there are really fifty pennies in there? What if it’s all a rouse and each roll is one penny short? I’m not going to unroll that shit and count it. Keep your rolls of pennies at home, people. Turn them into the bank, use them at the grocery store or shove them up your cooch, but don’t ask me to put them in my apron and carry them around for six hours.

This is your cue, anonymous, to tell me that I shouldn’t complain about getting tips as long as I get them. But you know what? I did complain and I know that almost every other server who carries his own bank feels the same way I do. We aren’t going to turn down any coins if someone chooses to pay with them, we will just be a bit disappointed in you, that’s all. If you’re comfortable with your server kinda hating you, then by all means, pay your $20 check with quarters and dimes. Just be aware that the server may take a picture of it and send it to a blog and that picture might end up on the Internet.

33 thoughts on “I Am Not Your F*cking Coinstar Machine

  1. jamie

    THE WORST. I never carry coins and always round up to the dollar when I give people change, even if it’s $0.99 not in my favor. We pool tips so the moment I get coins I immediately dump them in the bartender’s jar (I also bartend and we have an actual drawer up there so can change them for bills at the end of the shift). Ain’t nobody got time to count out coins.

    Reply
    1. Lynn

      Wha?! Its a hassle but giving all your coins away? Nope. I save all mine, put it in a box at the house. Been doing this for about a year now and I’ve got over $100.00 in there AND I take coins out as I need them. So I just straight saved who knows how much money I would have. I get its a pain but $100.00 is like half a plane ticket to Costa Rica.

      Reply
    2. Robert

      I put them in a mug on my bureau and when the mug is full I dump it into a 5 gallon water jug.

      Last time I cashed about half a five gallon jugs worth of change and got about $1000.00. I learned not to let it get more than half full…that stuff is HEAVY!

      Reply
  2. Anonymous

    Get a real job and people will pay you with real money. an easily predictable comment? You have an easily predictable complaint. You should be happy that costumers decide to subsidize your shitty wages. If servers actually stood up for themselves and demanded living wages, you wouldn’t be scrapping together quarters. 2.50 an hour is outrageous, but guess what, it’s not your costumers’ fault, it’s your own for accepting it. Gratuity goes both ways, you are so busy complaining about coins that you forget to be grateful that your costumers keep you employed while you keep yourself underpaid. Here’s a thought, if it bothers you, next time give it to someone else, or give it back to the costumer… Can’t do that can you?

    Reply
    1. Maggi

      Anonymous, please enlighten me and tell me exactly why you are reading a servers blog if you are not in the service industry? If you believe servers should get “real” jobs could you at least explain wtf that’s supposed to mean anyway? A job that pays the bills, has a minimum of 25 hours a week, within a company that requires you file a W-2… Wouldn’t all of these things be the requirements of a “real” job? If not, I’m dying to know what your opinion of one is.
      Also, and I know this might be hard for you to realize, but you can you imagine the fallout a server would receive by telling a table they are refusing the customers tip because it’s in change? Most servers would probably be fired because the customer would get all offended and cause a scene and our managers would have to play referee.
      When you get your $200 a week paycheck for scrubbing cat vomit out of people’s carpets – or whatever the hell it is you do – imagine having a quarter of your money given to you in dimes and nickels and see if you’re a big ol’ happy face about it.
      Don’t be such a judgmental prick. If you’re not a rocket scientist, don’t comment on their blogs. If you’re not a part of the service industry, don’t think you’re an expert. You only make yourself look ridiculous and condescending.

      Reply
      1. Robert

        Standard troll technique. Post a contentious comment in a location where it will generate the most replies. Trolls don’t care if a reply is positive or negative, they just crave the attention.

        Reply
    2. Dogtroep

      Ummm…”get a real job and people will pay you with real money”? Who of you out there has NEVER been paid with loose change and rolls of coins? I certainly get paid that way frequently. Perhaps I need to get a real job like Anonymous has instead of my current one, a waitress-turned-doctor.

      Bitch on, Bitchy!

      Reply
    3. Maggie

      In case your dim witted self didn’t comprehend what’s going on right now in politics, people ARE demanding a living wage. However, a living wage is just too much to pay us because people in higher positions get paid just as much if not barely more than that living wage. Because while the cost of living raised, the cost of labor did not, so a well paying job that is $20 barely scraped by nowadays. And people are pushing for $15, but apparently it’s a horrible thing to ask for that because other people “work harder” and get paid the same.

      Reply
    4. Samantha

      I guess Mr. Or Miss “get a real job” your “real” job doesn’t require the ability to know how to spell. How ’bout turning your spell check on before you try to insult somebody. It doesn’t cost a cent.

      Reply
  3. Leah Messick

    Screw you anonymous!!! Being a server is a real job you jerk!!! I can’t stand how ignorant some people are….The truth is servers who bust their ass and do their job right can make $15 an hour or more…There is no where in my town I could make the money I do in the amount of hours I work unless I were a doctor or lawyer!!! But anyway I hate getting change for tips!!! And I’ve had customers pay in rolls of dimes!!! The last time it happened it was from a teenage boy…His bill was 7 something so I gave him his change back…In dimes!!!!

    Reply
  4. Kat

    My favorite is when you give some back a lot of singles and then they hand you a single large bill back. I just want to shake them and say “I appreciate your bigger than anticipated tip, But give me my singles back! You’re a family of 6, I know you’re going to the strip club after this.”

    Reply
  5. jessica

    I work in a busy place near the Las Vegas Strip, and we get a lot of tourists. I had a couple from Hawaii order $160 worth of food once. Everything was fine, their food came out in a timely manner, they never were empty on their drinks. When it came time to pay and tip, they paid with a credit card, and instead of adding my tip to the card, they left me $15 in quarters nickles and dimes. I bagged that up in a to go baggie and left it next to the aloha stand all night. I can’t carry that much change!

    Reply
  6. Joshua A.

    Even if you don’t carry your own back all night it’s a pain in the ass. As a bartender if you want to get rid of a bunch of coins I will generally change them in for you, but then guess who has to count all those as part of the till at the end of the night? I do. I don’t mind people paying with coins so that they only get bills back, in fact that saves me time. But paying more than a dollars worth in change is wrong.

    Reply
  7. Jenn

    I have a coin purse that I leave at the server station and that’s where I am when making change for $100 bills. I don’t lug coins around!
    Also, let’s ignore that Anon troll.

    Reply
    1. xyz

      Same. Well, I keep a small coin purse in my apron because I was sick of giving people the majority of a dollar back so as not to short them. It’s not quite heavy enough to weigh me down or anything, but it is nice to have, especially on busy shifts!

      Reply
  8. Susan

    All I can say is, you’re an idiot, anonymous! I guess you’re afraid to use your name because you don’t have the guts to do otherwise! Do you even have a job?

    Reply
  9. Sam

    Ugh, I know the feeling! The first serving job I had we had to carry our own bank, which I already hated anyways, because I basically had to keep out $100 of my own money at all times. And it was a mom and pop down home country cookin’ place, so you know all those old hicks left me tips in quarters.

    My manager always hated me because I’d go out of my way to get rid of all of my coins (at least until I moved out of a house and into an apartment and needed quarters for laundry…then I loved that perk of my job!) and ALL OF MY ONES. There had to be more than one night where I paid the store over $100 in ones.

    Reply
  10. Yvette

    I just have to say that your writing cracks me up and I love the way you describe situations and problems. Keep writing and happy new year!

    Reply
  11. anonymous

    Your line of work involves ZERO intelligence and ZERO education so be thankful you’re even getting a tip in the first place!! You ungrateful worm!

    Reply
      1. anonymous

        Now do your job and clean up my shit with a big smile on your face! Oh and dont forget to call me Sir while you thank me for spending more money in one nite on my meal than you make in a month you punk.

        Reply
        1. Amanda

          It’s funny that all these assholes who have shit to say are ‘anonymous’. Just like customers who decide to be assholes because we ‘have to’ be nice, these people take advantage of the fact that we can’t punch them in the face. They don’t have the balls to treat people like shit without fear of retribution, basically, their bullies. I have a job in the insurance industry and I’ve served for most of 20 years. My “bullshit” serving job pays me about $35 to $40 an hour. Don’t assume we’re uneducated, poor souls, because we make a ton more than people who graduated college and have “real jobs”, Ass hat.

          Reply
        2. Julia

          All you need is a server who calls you Cunt, while the bouncer kicks your ass out all the way to your expensive car. Businesses have the right to refuse service to anyone, as long as it is not discrimination. Your entitled attitude is not a disability. If you enjoy harassing staff so much, hire an assistant who will put up with you for loads of that money you claim to have.

          Reply
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  13. Rebecca

    Anonymous is a 400 lb slob sitting in mommy’s basement so desperate to be a part of the world and yet so afraid to do so as a decent person. Very typical. Don’t feed the troll. This is a place for we in the industry. Now everybody wipe your tears with the stacks of 20s you made just on a day shift today, remember how great it is to have friends and a life am not real” job that pays our bills and more, and let the troll go troll the hundreds of other sites and blogs where he/she has no place. It’s clear momma didn’t bring him down the pizza bagels today.

    Reply

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