Prince Harry, Meghan Markle and the Cater Waiter

I am honored to present to you this first hand account of the royal wedding. It comes from a cater waiter who worked the after party. Because of a non-disclosure agreement that he signed, I am unable to tell you his name, but rest assured that it all 100% totally not made up at all. Thanks. -BW

Aww, bloody hell, what a day I had on Saturday. I don’t know if you know it, but Prince Harry finally got married and guess who had to work as a cater waiter at the afterparty at Frogmore House? What a royal pain in the ass that gig was. When I agreed to work it, I didn’t know it was for the royal freaking wedding. I just took it because it was close to my other job at The Windsor Castle Pub. It wasn’t until the day before when I had to get security clearance that I realized what I had got myself into.

So, after the ceremony and at the after-party, I am charged with passing hors d’oeuvres which is my favorite thing to do as a cater waiter because you get to move around all night and you get to eat whatever it is you’re passing around. The party is overflowing with celebrities. George Clooney was there and a couple of the Spice Girls. I think I saw Elton John, but it might have just been a fat bloated old man with giant sunglasses, not sure. I never saw Prince William or Kate, but I did see Queen Elizabeth herself. Since it was literally the only time I would ever have to chat her up, I sidled my way over to her to see if she wanted a a snack.

“How do you do, ma’am?” I asked her. “Pig in a blanket?”

“Prince Phillip is right over there,” she said and as she pointed to at tall frail looking man in a uniform sitting on a folding chair and draped with a blanket. “He gets cold when he’s not in the palace.”

“Don’t be daft,” I told her. “Do you want a pig in a blanket? I’ve got a whole tray of ‘em right here in me hand.”

“Oh, silly me. Yes, I’ll have two, please.”

But then she just stood there like I was supposed to feed her or something. My hands are full, one with a tray and the other with bev naps so I held the tray out to her. “Help yourself, do I look like a freakin’ lady-in-waiting to you?”

So she picks up a pig in a blanket and dips into a ramekin of mustard. I think it was Grey Poupon since, you know, it’s the royal wedding and everything has to be fancy. She acted like she had never in her life dipped a pig in a blanket into mustard and I watched her drip it all over her dress. Thankfully, her dress was a yellowish green and it didn’t show too much.

“Those are quite delicious,” she said. “And what are those called again?”

She was already on my nerves, so I didn’t even bothering answering her. Besides, I needed to walk the room and see who else might want a wiener wrapped in dough. And that’s when I saw Oprah. I thought for sure she’d want something to eat, so I made a beeline toward her, but when I got there, I saw that she had her own personal chef with her who was making her a plate of her own pigs in a blanket. I asked if I could try one and she said, “YOU get a pig in a blanket, YOU get a pig in a blanket, YOU get a pig in a blanket!” And she threw one to me, which I missed. It went flying over my head and Sarah, the Duchess of York caught it in her mouth. So hilarious.

And that’s when I saw Prince Harry and Meghan. They were standing next to Sarah who totally deserted them once she saw that Oprah was passing out free pigs in a blanket. At this point, my tray was empty, so I didn’t have anything to offer the newlyweds, but I went to them anyway.

“What up, bro?” I said to Harry. He fist bumped me. “Congrats on the big wing ding. Freaking awesome. By the way, your grandmum was much nicer than I expected her to be. On the telly, she always seems like she has a stick up her royal butt, but she’s cool.”

“Oh, right,” he said. “”She totally lets her hair down at the royal weddings. You should have seen her Will”s wedding. She was doing tequila shots with Judy Dench and Helen Mirren.”

“Well, the night is young,” added Meghan. “You never know what might happen.”

We all looked over at the Queen who was doing the Macarena with David Beckham and Idris Elba.

“Nice meeting you, mate,” Harry told me and with that, he and Meghan disappeared into the crowd.

I went back to the kitchen to get a another tray of food to pass and this time they handed me some Pizza Rolls and Bagel Bites. After eating a couple of each one, I made my way out to the floor. The rest of the night was your typical cater waiter shift; drunk assholes, too many selfies and a wet t-shirt contest. Same ol’, same ol’. The main problem was that breakdown was a bitch. It took forever to get out of there. And Prince Philip was always in the freaking way, walking around with that goddam blanket. Overall, it was a great gig though and I’m happy I got to do it. I wish they hadn’t confiscated my cell phone, so I could show you some photos, but whtevs. If you ever get the opportunity to work a royal wedding, I highly suggest it.

Congratulations to harry and Meghan!

Click here if you want me to serve at your next wedding or party.