The One Joke We Don’t Need to Hear Again This Winter

Most of the country is in a deep freeze and everyone is colder than a witch’s tit.(Incidentally, a witch’s tit is pretty darn cold. If you don’t believe me, you should check out the director’s cut of The Wizard of Oz where we see the Wicked Witch of the West and Glinda, the Good Witch of the North shoot icicles from the breasts in a war over the ruby slippers. Ultimately, the scene was cut, but you can still see it here.) Anyhoo, as we servers make our way through a sea of black coats and scarves that are piled in our station because customers think that the table next to them was placed there to hold their winter belongs, there is one joke we all keep hearing over and over again. It’s not a funny joke, nor is it original. We hear it all day, every day and by the tenth time, we can no longer muster up the energy to even pretend that it’s even remotely entertaining:

The customer enters the restaurant after braving the Arctic winds outside. As they stomp their snowy boots onto the floor and shake the snow off their hats with reckless abandon, the eagerly look around the restaurant to see who will be the lucky one to hear their joke. Hostess, busser or server? It matters not to them as long as someone gets to her their attempt at humor. Once they catch eyes with the poor unsuspecting soul, it happens. The customer says something like, “Man, it sure is cold outside.” They then turn their attention to the back part of the restaurant or the area that one would normally go to be seated outside. And then it happens.

“Can we sit on the patio?”

And here is my response to your joke:


Stop it. It’s not funny. Grow the fuck up. Try a new joke. We’re tired of you. The patio is fucking closed.

5 thoughts on “The One Joke We Don’t Need to Hear Again This Winter

  1. Linda

    I would be sooo tempted to march their stupid asses to the door that leads to the patio, hand them the menus and shove ’em out there. “ENJOY YOUR MEAL!!”

  2. mike

    The restaurant I used to work at would bend over backwards to accommodate idiots that wanted to sit outside at any time of the year no matter how cold it was. And it would inevitably be people who would nurse a cup of coffee for hours. They would want to sit outside and then complain it was freezing. So I would have to grab one of the propane tanks and get it filled for around $15 so we could make things warm for some shithead spending a dollar on a cup of coffee. The owner was so afraid of saying no to a customer… and then of course other moons would see the heaters on the patio and want to it there as well with me having to get the propane tanks filled. By the end of the day the owner would have spent upwards of $150 to heat the patio in order to make maybe $25 in sales. WHY they never aid no to these people baffles me (‘always keep the customer happy at all costs’ was not a good enough reason to my thinking).

  3. bistis6

    I worked in movie theaters for many, many years. At least three times a night, someone – usually a guy with an embarrassed girlfriend – would march up to the box office and say, “One adult and one child”, and then give the biggest grin as though they had just come up with the most hilarious, original joke in the world. Never once did any of the cashiers crack a smile, not the first time nor the umpteen millionth time. And I always secretly hoped that the women would break up with those dopes as soon as the end credits started to roll.

  4. Marie

    See also:
    “Can I get you anything else?”
    “A million dollars, ha ha ha!”
    “I hated it, can you tell?” As I pick up the empty plate

    Just. Stop.

    1. Spiteful

      I hate the “million dollars” one… And when people ask for “the winning lotto numbers”.

      I tell them I’m not waiting on tables for fun, exercise, and to meet new people.

      When someone cleans their plate but “jokes” they hated it?
      -Thank you for suffering through it. We wouldn’t want the chef to sulk. Want some terrible coffee to really ruin your visit?


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *