The Worst To-Go Order of 2017

With 2017 about to inhale its last breath and sputter into a distant memory, it’s difficult to think of the one thing that sucked the most out of this year. You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting at least one shit show from 2017. Mary Tyler Moore and David Cassidy both died this year. It also finally became public knowledge that pretty much every woman in the country has been sexually harassed by some asshole with a penis. Donald Trump’s Twitter account is a shit show all its own. I mean, how can just one thing be the most awful event of a whole year? And then someone sent me this picture:

Good God, 2017, how much more can we endure? This call-in order makes my skin crawl. I can just imagine these 15 people who probably all work in an office together, sharing cubicles and a copy machine. Nine of them are like, “Cool, I’ll take a salad with Ranch.” And the other seven are all, “Well, I want one but…”

How can 47% of the people who have decided to order lunch be this picky? C’mon! Think of the poor “to-go person” who has to put this order together and spend the next thirty minutes picking out croutons, cheddar shreds and bacon bits? That person saw this order and seriously considered walking out right then because we all know that one of those salads is going to be wrong.

“Carol, I think you have my gluten free salad because I have a crouton in mine.”

“No, Helen Tom, I think I have Roberta’s salad because mine doesn’t have any onions and I didn’t ask them to leave the onions out of mine. Roberta do you have the right salad?”

“I’m not sure, Carol, because this salad doesn’t have any onions in it either, but it does have croutons. I can’t have croutons, I’ll be in the bathroom the rest of the day. Which salad do you have, Sheila Pat?”

“I don’t know. I wanted a vegetarian salad, but this one has bacon in it!”

And so on and so on…

Meanwhile nine men human beings of varying sexual identities are eating their salads and wondering how their co-workers manage to get through life each day while one of those men people is trying to decide how to tell the two women non-gender specific beings who call themselves “vegan” and “gluten and dairy free” that Ranch dressing doesn’t fall under either of those fucking categories.

Go home 2017, you’re drunk.

This post has been edited to make it more inclusive and not so sexist as so many people have told me it was. -BW


  1. Patti
  2. Mary
  3. Ana
  4. dead_elvis
    • CincyDrunk
      • dead_elvis
  5. Anber
    • Christine Griffin

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