In my continuing quest to find the most ridiculous complaints from restaurant customers, I have come across a real doozy of a grouse proving that some people seem to go out of their way to be miserable hairs in their own assholes. A woman had dinner out and quite enjoyed her experience. The food was good, the waitress was charming, the views were excellent and “the soft music was at a very suitable volume to allow diners to enjoy conversation.” This is all well and good, but there was one thing wrong with the evening that bothered her enough to ask her great-great-grandson to show her how to create a Word document so she could type up a letter and mail it to the manager of the restaurant. (Side note: she waa shocked to learn that a stamp now costs $0.47. “Back in my day, if you wanted to post a letter, you just had to tape a penny to the envelope and hand it to the man on the Pony Express.”)
Reads the letter:
Our enjoyment of the evening was somewhat spoiled because the waiter- or the restaurant manager- who was also serving was wearing shoes which made a very disturbing and loud noise as he walked around on the wooden floor. This noise was particularly disturbing for me as I had been given the seat right by the door and so I was affected every time he came into or left the restaurant.
I wonder if you might think of asking your waiter to wear soft soled shoes in view of the wooden carpetless floor so that the atmosphere is not spoiled by the noise of his footsteps. There was no problem with the waitress who was wearing shoes with soft soles.
Call me a big bitch (everyone who is reading this: “But you are a bitch, you are a big bitch.“), but this complaint seems pretty fucking petty. Was the waiter wearing some wooden clogs that he got when he was on vacation in Holland and the noise of the wood on wood was so distracting that it canceled out the view, the food and the charming waitress? Did it really “spoil” your meal? If you’re going to make ridiculous requests, why not really go for it:
Please have the floor carpeted. If that is not possible, might I suggest that the waiter wear some bunny slippers? Surely this is something the restaurant would be happy to pay for. Or perhaps you could supply each and every customer with noise canceling earphones. Wait, that won’t work because I wouldn’t be able to hear the soft music anymore, so nevermind to that. But maybe all of your waitstaff could ride around on hover boards which would completely do away with taking steps at all. Yes, I think that’s the best idea. If not hover boards, then maybe you could install a zip line so that whenever I needed some more hot water for the tea bag I had in my purse, a waiter could fly in overhead and take care of it for me. Wait, strike that. Zip lines might obstruct the excellent view. Okay, if he absolutely must wear those deafening, eardrum-splitting clodhoppers can you at least ask him to put bubble wrap on the bottom. Please know that if he does put bubble wrap on his shoes and I hear so much as one popping sound, I will write you another letter to complain about the loud popping sounds that spoiled my night. Maybe the best thing would be for me to either turn down my hearing aid, not come back or simply to accept that if I am eating out in public I might hear something that my ears don’t like, but I really would rather you ask you, the manager, to accommodate my every need because I am the most important thing in the world and nothing else matters except for my husband, who is completely deaf. But believe me, if he still had his hearing, she would be complaining too.
While I applaud this woman’s polite letter and most excellent Word document abilities, it does seem like a rather silly thing to complain about. It’s a person walking and his shoes are touching the floor- fucking deal with it, lady.