Alright, ladies. In case any of you are out there searching for Mr. Right, I just found someone that you should 100% not waste your time on because he is so not into you. If you see him on Tinder, make sure to swipe left with an extreme sense of urgency. His name is Jonathan and, despite his athletic build, tiny waist and gigantic pectoral muscles that are bigger than my ass, you aren’t going to like him. Well, I mean he will not like you, so why bother?
PLEASE do NOT message me if you are a waitress, bartender, stripper, Scorpio, or have implants…..things will not work out.
That’s right, he has 86’ed a whole group of women because they work in a restaurant so too bad for you. What’s that? You wait tables part-time because you are getting your masters degree in philosophy? Jonathan don’t care! Oh, you just pick up shifts on the week-end for extra money because your full-time job of being a high school teacher doesn’t pay you enough? Jonathan don’t care! So you used to have a 9 to 5 job in an office and it was slowly killing your soul and then you learned you could make more money waiting tables so you left that job to be happier? Jonathan don’t care.
He is also going to hate you if your birthday happens to be somewhere between October 23 and November 21, so do not, I repeat, DO NOT swipe right. (Sorry to Katy Perry, Emma Stone and Shailene Woodley. You’re all hot, rich and famous, but he don’t care). And strippers can forget about getting a date too. Or any woman with implants because it’s very important that Jonathan has the biggest tits in the relationships.
It’s quite the shame that none of you hard-working, beautiful slingers of the hash will ever get a chance to date him because he sounds like such a prize. I mean, just take a glimpse of the six things that he cannot live without:
1. Food. Umm, I don’t think any of us can live without food, Jonathan. And some of that food might be brought to you by a waitress.
2. Water. Again, we kind of all need water. If anyone goes for more than three days without it, they’re pretty much knocking on the death’s door. And by the way, your waitress is more than happy to get that water for you.
3. Shelter: Wow, Jonathan needs shelter. I bet he lives in a man cave.
4. Standup-comedy. So if Jonathan doesn’t make it to his local Comedy Cellar every few days, he will not survive? Having waited tables for many comedy shows over the years, I think the world would be alright if a few of those guys who go see stand-up went extinct.
5.. Sex until 6 AM. No word on what time that sex starts, but there is a good chance that it began at 5:55 AM.
6. Deep conversations involving philosophical views. Uh huh, Right. Sure. But if you are that waitress who is waiting tables part-time while you are getting your degree in philosophy, then nevermind.
Maybe it’s wrong of me to publicly demean Jonathan for his views, but then again, who cares? It’s his public profile and he has a right to feel what ever he feels and I am doing him favor by showing his profile to even more women. I’m basically helping him by making sure more women know not to waste his time. I do think it’s unfair of him to immediately disqualify a prospective date simply because that person wears an apron at their job. Then again, most waitresses I know are too smart to fall for that whole “deep conversations involving philosophical views” thing.