Woman Claims Sexual Assault for Asinine Reason

A woman named Isabelle Lassiter and her family went to have dinner at a hibachi restaurant in Tennessee and ended up having a miserable time when she was “sexually assaulted” by the chef. No, the chef didn’t feel her up or expose himself or even flip a shrimp into her privates. He simply used a water toy that looks like a little boy and when the little boy’s pants were pulled down, it squirted water. When that water got on her face she freaked out claiming sexual assault because the only person who is allowed to pee directly on her face is her husband. The husband, feeling intimidated by a 4” piece of plastic that shoots a more steady stream than he does, sprung into action demanding a refund for their meal and saying he would call the police if they didn’t do it.

Well, the restaurant was all, “Umm, are you fucking serious here?”

They were serious and the cops were called.

“He pulled his little shorts down and it had a ‘wanger’ and he squirted me right in the face,” said the woman who clearly does not know what a “wanger” looks like.Screen Shot 2016-07-27 at 10.46.32 AMIf she thinks that looks like a penis, my condolences go out to her husband who definitely got the short end of the cock. Now I know why he was so intimidated by the massive 4” “pee-pee boy.”

“To do that to somebody’s mother while they are sitting at the table!” said Lassitter. Again, being peed on the face is something that should be done in the privacy of ones home and not while sitting at a hibachi restaurant.

Isabelle Lassitter was peed upon.

Isabelle Lassitter was peed upon.

A police report was filed, but no one was arrested for this heinous crime.

What we have here is a case of someone trying to get some free food. I’m surprised she didn’t lay her face on the grill and claim that she didn’t know it was hot and then demand a free dessert. No word on if they got their food comped, but we do know that from now on, the chefs will use the toy at request only. Yes, just because one woman was so uptight about this simple toy, now no one else will have the pleasure of being sprayed on by the pee-pee boy. Meanwhile, Louise and her husband will continue their quest to file ridiculous police reports about stupid shit. And the next time her husband pees on her face at home, they’ll laugh and laugh about that time they were on the news for making a big deal about such a small wanger. And then they will cry because they are both stuck with his penis that looks like that of a 4” pee-pee boy.

23 thoughts on “Woman Claims Sexual Assault for Asinine Reason

  1. Dogtroep

    She ought never go to Brussels, Belgium, then…she’d end up suing the city over its Manneken Pis sculpture.

  2. Jules

    That news channel is in my hometown! Memphis, represent! Even though the actual event took place like 3 hours away in Murfreesboro.

  3. Huecool

    Way funny article! Nice job parodying these up tight little pricks. May the weenyless pee pee boy squirt on!

  4. jenpscout

    In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous.
    (Rest of intro)
    *Dun dun*
    “Hello, police?! I was just squirted by a pee-pee toy!!”
    “Hello?! They hung up????!”
    (Executive Producer Dick Wolf)

  5. Chelsie

    Heard it on the radio and the lady claims they did NOT get a refund and the guy gave HIMSELF a $25 tip ( supposedly)

  6. christopher e cagle

    they didn’t say what part of tn this happened.. please say it was Chattanooga tn..if it was i’d laugh so hard I think i’d piss myself

  7. christopher e cagle

    so is soo funny i’m from Detroit but i’m stuck in Cleveland tn waiting tables in this shit hole town.. I can honestly say only in tn would this happen lmao this just made my freaking year.. I love the part where he said i’m surprised she didn’t put her face on the grill.. lmao I can see that happen to

  8. Emily

    Wow. People will do anything to get attention. They have these toys at practically every hibachi restaurant! I believe the last time I ate hibachi the chef went around the table and squirted everyone. But no one thought it was “sexual”, it was just funny! (It was also a hot day, so it was quite a relief.) I hope the chef didn’t get fired for this idiotic family.


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