This Guy Wants to Teach You How To Not Tip

Screen Shot 2016-05-03 at 11.42.56 AMGet ready, bitches, because I am riled up. An article about tipping is floating around on the Internet and it is implying that too many of us are guilting our customers into leaving tips. The article was written by consumer advocate Christopher Elliott and he has all kinds of handy-dandy ways you can avoid tipping. At first, I thought he was talking about the ubiquitous tip jars we see everywhere, from Starbucks to the deli to the dry cleaner. For those places, I feel like you can leave a tip if you want to, but it’s not necessary. After all, those employees are making an hourly wage that is higher than that of a server and, unless they are claiming those tips as income, it’s not the majority of their take home pay. But then he says this:

Restaurants are the worst offenders. A recent Pew Research study found 3.75 million people earning near-minimum wages in the food services industry. Many of them depend on gratuities and are not shy about telling customers about the arrangement.

Damn right we’re not shy about it. Some of us only make $2.13 an hour so that 15-20% tip that customers leave is what pays our rent, food and bills. So, yeah, if you get great service and don’t leave a tip, don’t be surprised if the waiter is going to question you about it. That’s what happened to Andrew Chapados and his girlfriend who had dinner on the Las Vegas strip and left no tip on the $50 bill. Andrew said the food was overpriced and the restaurant had a strict no-sharing policy so he opted to stiff the server. And then he was surprised when the server chased his cheap ass down the street to remind him what a tip is. First off, if two of you ate in Vegas for fifty bucks, that’s pretty affordable. Secondly, just because you thought it was expensive and they wouldn’t let you share an entree is no reason to stiff the sever. If the service was bad, sure. But the two things you complain about have nothing to do with how the waiter did his job.

But back to Christopher Elliott and his stupid fucking suggestions.

Be polite and firm, but don’t over explain. Remember…a tip should be optional. In other words, if you don’t want to leave a tip, don’t bother explaining why you aren’t doing it. Just walk away and let the server assume that you are a cheap mother fucker who has deep pockets and short arms.

Avoid a confrontation. Basically, what he is saying to do is to leave a couple of dollars in the check presenter and hightail it out of there before the server sees what a shitty tipper you are. If you can get out of there quick enough, you won’t run the risk that someone is going to chase you down and ask, “Excuse me, but was everything alright with the service?” If you choose to run away, don’t assume you’re in the “all clear” until you are at least two blocks away, because I once chased four bitches halfway down 49th Street to have a “confrontation.” And he also wants to make sure you total the credit card receipt so some shady ass server doesn’t try to add a tip. (I agree with that, I must say. There are a few stupid, greedy servers out there who think writing in their own tip is okay and it is 100% not okay.)

Use the system to your advantage. “Employees don’t always see your tip. Unless they can read upside down and they happen to look your way, chances are the employee will never know.” Umm, asshole, we WILL know as soon as we look at the receipt. We’re not stupid. What you are encouraging people to do is to be cowardice about the fact that they don’t want to leave a tip.

Here is my suggestion if you don’t want to leave a tip even if the service is good: As soon as you sit down, grow a pair of balls and tell the server that you do not plan on tipping. Let’s just get it all out into the open. That way, the server can focus his attention on the other tables who understand that it’s part of our social contract to leave a tip when dining out in a restaurant. You can then expect the barebones service that should come from someone who is only making $2.13 an hour. If you let your server believe he will be tipped for doing his job and then you sneakity-sneak out of there without tipping, you’re as dishonest as the server you are so worried about who will scribble in their own tip on a credit card receipt. Be honest with yourself: anyone who thinks Christopher Elliott’s ideas are good ones is a cheap ass and no one who works in a restaurant wants to serve them.


Here is his Facebook page. You can find the article and leave a comment.
Here is the article.
And here is his Twitter.

If you like my bitching, you should totally go buy my book. Click here.



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