An Open Letter to The Pet Rabbit This Leftover Salad Must Have Been For

indexDear Pet Rabbit,

I hope you enjoyed the leftover baby arugula salad that your owner brought home for you tonight. Well, I guess I am assuming that he brought home that leftover baby arugula for you, his pet rabbit, because what other fucking reason could there possibly be for having me wrap up such a ridiculous portion of leftover baby arugula salad?

When he asked me to wrap it up, I must admit that I thought he was joking. After all, a salad that has already been dressed isn’t really the best thing to save for later. No one is ever sitting at home the next day while watching The Real Housewives and thinks, “Gosh, I’m hungry. You know what would be just perfect right now? Two bites of soggy ass, leftover, wilted baby arugula salad!” That’s when I realized he must have a pet rabbit at home who will be enjoying this salad.

Listen Pet Rabbit. I’m not surprised that you would enjoy the arugula and pears that come with this salad, but I am taken aback that you would want to eat blue cheese. Do all rabbits like blue cheese or just the rabbits who are owned by cheap men who only feed their pets leftovers? And did you like the vinaigrette dressing on it? I hope it wasn’t too tangy for your sensitive little rabbit belly. You are probably fine with it though since you are used to eating whatever your owner will bring home for you. What did you have for dinner yesterday, pizza crusts or the stump of a muffin? Or maybe you had a sprig of parsley that was the garnish on his plate of steak. Or maybe you got to eat the piece of gristle from that steak that he spit out out of his mouth. Or perhaps you enjoyed the skin that he didn’t want from his baked potato. You are one lucky rabbit, Pet Rabbit.

By the way, do you know another rabbit from a few years ago who had to eat leftover scrambled eggs one day? You see, when I was serving breakfast at the Marriott once, a woman had one teeny, tiny bite of scrambled egg left on her plate and she asked me to wrap it to go. Then, like now, I assumed that the one bite of food was for a hungry pet at home.

The next time your owner comes in, I will make sure to take note of what he orders since I now know that he will be taking his leftovers to feed you. Do you have any requests, Pet Rabbit? Maybe the dressing on the side would be good? Sometimes we have a carrot soup that I bet you would enjoy. It does have ginger in it, but whatever. You’re just a pet rabbit so who cares, right? I can try to save a teaspoon of it for you if you’d like.

Good luck, Pet Rabbit. I hope you got more food for dinner than just this leftover baby arugula salad. You deserve it. And remember this, silly rabbit: Trix are for kids and two bites of leftover baby arugula salad is for the garbage.

Mustard and mayo,
The Bitchy Waiter

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