One Million Moms Thinks Olive Garden Loves Satan

devilBrace yourselves, because I am about to do something I never thought would happen: I am standing up for Olive Garden! The organization known as One Million Moms (which is actually about 10,000 moms, each with 100 different email addresses) has taken their latest dump into the toilet bowl of dissatisfaction and fished out the brownest piece of poo they want to focus their attention on. They have determined that a new FOX TV show called “Lucifer” is pure filth and anyone who watches it or supports it should go straight to hell in a hand basket. (According to Wikipedia, the series focuses on Lucifer Morningstar, who is bored and unhappy as the Lord of Hell and resigns his throne and abandons his kingdom for the beauty of Los Angeles where he gets his kicks helping the LAPD punish criminals.) And since Olive Garden airs commercials during the TV show, One Million Moms is encouraging people to boycott the restaurant. Nevermind that thousands of women across the country won’t know where else to go for their wedding anniversary, 50th birthday party or date night, this is about keeping our media clean and Christian for the children of the world and if it means you have to give up breadsticks, then so be it.

On their Facebook page (you can go look at it here, it’s hilarious; tell them I said said to eat me because I would love to have a Facebook war with those crazy bitches), they created a call to action asking their members to contact Olive Garden to express their disappointment. If you take a gander at the Olive Garden Facebook page, there’s a lot of butthurt about how horrible it is that such a family-friendly restaurant would support a show about THE DEVIL! It’s ironic really, because I’m pretty sure that when I finally descend to the depths of hell, I will be greeted by an Olive Garden hostess standing at a podium who will inform me that it will be somewhere between 20-30 minutes before they can cast me into the river of fire. And then when I meet Satan himself, you know he’s going to be wearing a “I ♥ Darden” t-shirt.

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Anyhoo, does One Million Moms have nothing better to do than to boycott Olive Garden? If they are so upset with the show, why not boycott the actual TV show itself by not watching it? Or, better yet, why not boycott Fox? Their decision to never eat another order of Sausage Stuffed Giant Rigatoni at Olive Garden may be backfiring on One Million Moms because I’ll bet that every server at Olive Garden is thanking the sweet baby Jesus that those women aren’t in their sections anymore.

To Olive Garden I say this: you do you. If you want to show your commercials during a TV show about a hot sexy Lucifer you go right ahead. For all I care, Lucifer can be having sex with a breadstick in a Bonnie Franklin wig and sleeping on a bed of fettuccine. They are your advertising dollars to spend as you see fit.

To One Million Moms I say this: bitches, please. You have every right to crave a landscape of innocence on your TV screen, but if you see something you don’t like, just don’t fucking watch it. Cover your puritan eyes with a veil of lace and change the channel to Lifetime and watch a movie about a husband cheating on his wife because she’s a crazy right-wing conservative who has pushed him away too many times. (Too close to home?)

To myself I say this: I can’t believe you are defending the rights of Olive Garden. I am very disappointed in you.

Finally, if you like this blog I hope you will swing over to Amazon and preorder my book that comes out in April. CLICK HERE.

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