A Comment on Comments
Each and every time I reach into my skull to pull out my brain in order to wring out a blog post, I hope to engage the reader with what I write. I always encourage people to leave a comment or to send me an email so that I can know if I have been successful or not. A rather mundane post from a few days ago in which I bemoaned the fact that the restaurant I work in doesn’t accept American Express seems to have especially affected at least one person who sent me an email. His name is JS and his email address is an AOL one which leads me to believe that he used an old email account to write to me. Perhaps he did that because his current email has his real name attached to it and he doesn’t want me to know who he is. I am half tempted to give out the email address since he more than likely doesn’t use it very often and I know that so many of you would like to say hello to him, but I won’t do that because that would irresponsible. Well, I probably won’t do that. I dunno, maybe I will. Anyway, this is what he wrote to me that has caused me to feel the need to publicly reply:
You try so hard, really you do. But you mean ’80s and ’90s pop music, not 80’s and 90’s. Your “bitchy-put-upon shtick” is really lame and not cool like you think. You should invest more money in learning to write and edit and don’t quit your day job, ever. You suck at writing like you surely suck at waiting tables. The world owes you nothing and we’re all sick of the woe is me attitude. Fuck off!
Actually, JS, I do try so hard, I really do. You think it’s easy to write a blog for almost 7 years when the only topic of the blog can be about waiting tables? It’s extremely difficult and I am the first one to admit that this blog is repetitive as hell since there are only so many ways one can write the same ten complaints over and over again. Honestly, me complaining about children in my station is like beating a dead horse. Albeit, I’m beating that dead horse with a baby that I snatched from Table 2, but still. If you are upset about where the apostrophes were placed when I was describing music from the decades of 1980 and 1990, I have to wonder what kind of sad fucking life you live. Did you honestly log in to an email account that you hardly ever use just to complain about that? You probably had to create a new password and everything just to make sure that I knew how unhappy you were with my apostrophe placement. Well, I did a little bit of research and have discovered that the apostrophe can go in either place, so your argument is invalid. I would suggest that you take those apostrophes and shove them up your asshole. In all actuality, those apostrophes are so small that they would probably slip right into your ass without any problem whatsoever so I see your apostrophes and I raise you two exclamation points, a question mark, three asterisks and an ampersand. Your hungry hungry hippo asshole will gobble up those punctuation marks so greedily that when it swallows them up it will probably ask for a couple of semicolons for dessert.
As for your belief that my “bitchy-put-upon shtick is really lame and not cool” like I think, I am going to have to disagree with you on that one. My Facebook page gains between 900 and 1300 new “likes” each week so there are some people out there who would probably disagree with you as well. If you want to believe that it’s lame, then you go right ahead, but don’t be a dick about it. I know you’re not alone in disliking this blog, but there are plenty of people who do like it. Don’t like it? Don’t read it.
When you suggest that I invest more money in learning to write and edit, you are under the mistaken impression that I must have spent some money to learn to write and edit. I haven’t. All this sub-par writing is completely self taught and I have no plans to quit my day job at this time. Once my book comes out in April of 2016 I will then consider cutting down on my shifts. You see, contrary to your opinion, an agent liked my writing enough to send my manuscript to Sterling Publishing who liked my writing enough to buy it and pay me money for it. In fact, I’ve already received 50% of my advance check and it is in my bank account right this very minute. You might think I suck at writing, but someone else doesn’t and that someone else had money to back it up. As for waiting tables, you don’t know whether I suck or not but my boss, who knows about my “other career” and is probably reading this very blog post, does not think I suck at waiting tables. I suppose this is why I have worked for him for well over four years and every time one of my customers leaves me a 20-25% tip, I can only assume that they too think I don’t suck at waiting tables. Until you have sat in my section and I brought out your wrong food, spilled a drink on you and then made you wait ten minutes for your check, you can’t really form a valid option, can you?
I agree that the world owes me nothing which is why this blog is free and I don’t expect anyone to do anything with it other than read it if they choose to. You yourself read it, didn’t you? Thank you for the click on the website because you were one of the 190,452 views of the page over the last thirty days and that makes me think there are lots of people who are not sick of the “woe is me attitude.”
Thank you for your email, JS. You want me to fuck off and I feel the same way about you. Once you have removed all those punctuation marks from your asshole, maybe there will be room in your colon for something else like a tray jack, a pitcher of water, a fajita skillet and a big fucking stack of dessert menus. Fuck off!
Finally, I have decided that posting JS’s email address would be a childish and irresponsible thing to do. Only an immature asshole would stoop to that level of immaturity. Your email address is safe with me, Glen Burnie.
Monica R.
I never understand people like that. If this blog (or any other that these trolls troll upon) is not your cup of tea, why expend the energy to not only read it but COMMENT on it??? There are one million blogs that do not interest me but my time is too valuable to waste reading them and insulting the writer. This guy has issues.
BW, I love you and your sub-par writing (which it is NOT) and your put-upon self and all your bitchy nuances. Please keep sharing your bitchiness with the world. We desperately need it no matter how recycled it is!!
Monica R.
And BTW, your writing always seems fresh, and it never occurred to me that you struggle with subject matter. Even though the topics repeat, you ALWAYS have a fresh and bitchy spin on it.
April
I saw on Facebook that this guy emailed you again. PLEASE post it!!
Lori Elahmad
I feel like we could be best friends!
Wendy
As a fellow baby hater you will always have my allegiance for this line
“Albeit, I’m beating that dead horse with a baby that I snatched from Table 2”
I want to marry you.
And not have babies with you. 😀
kat szulga
I can hardly wait for your book!
joanne
i lost it at hungry hungry hippo I LOVE U
The Stanz
Hahahahahaha!
Thank you for making my day <3
James
“Your hungry hungry hippo asshole will gobble up those punctuation marks so greedily that when it swallows them up it will probably ask for a couple of semicolons for dessert.”
Ha! This line alone sells the entire damn post. NEVER stop writing, you have a talent for insulting people!
MW
“Your ‘bitchy-put-upon shtick’ is really lame…”
As someone who went to school with BW, I can assure you, the bitchy-put-upon attitude is no shtick. What you see is what you get.
The hospitality hag
I LOVE that you gave his name!!!! Where is it written that jerks can hide anonymously on the Internet and just say what ever they want to whomever they want. Personally I have also called someone out by name on my stellar YELP reviews- this is in fact the be all and end all review site of the service industry (I am being SARCASTIC for anyone that would actually believe this. Way to go bitchy!!
Ginger
“Your hungry hungry hippo asshole” made me laugh really hard! I am so stealing that.
Rachelle
I do not know why, but this sentence:
“All this sub-par writing is completely self taught” made me laugh out loud and I am still giggling over it.
Maybe it’s just the day, but thanks for the completely non-sub-par laugh 😉
Hippie's Chick
We like the writing and the bitching. Some bitching is healthy!!! And there is A WHOLE LOT to bitch about in the food service industry. Keep up the good work Bitchy. And put that punctuation where ever the Frack you want to!
April
wow…he’s “so cool” that his user name for facebook is the name of the town that he lives in. And his likes are bail bonds pages.
kelly
I lost it at “tray jack” i love you
Jerry
This asshole’s name is Glen Burnie and it looks like he graduated from high school in 1985. This old grumpy fuck is pushing 50, hence the aol address. Put his email address in the search field in Facebook, bam! Happy serving folks!
Christy
I for one would like to heartily thank JS for sending The Bitchy Waiter his apostrophe-woe-is-me-try-too hard complaint email because this reply post made me laugh so hard that I think my neighbors are curious about what’s going on in my house right now! I wonder if they suspect I am doing naughty things with apostrophes?!
Congrats on the book TBW, how exciting!