Somewhere in this world, Springs1 just had to change her panties because she squirted all over them when she heard about a new restaurant opening in St Louis called Twisted RAnCh where it’s a Ranch dressing bukkake party up in there all the time.
Jim Hayden and Chad Allen are opening the restaurant in June and according to the website every single thing on the menu uses the “fastest growing condiment and best-selling salad dressing.” That’s right, it’s “always fresh, always delicious and always twisted with Ranch.” Of course it will be a huge success because Ranch dressing. Now if they can only figure out a way to make every table in the restaurant a booth that has it’s own control for the air conditioning and the music that plays, no one will ever want to leave.
The menu proclaims they have 18 different varieties of Ranch dressing which is about 17 more than I knew existed. I’ll be honest here and admit that Cheesy Bacon Ranch awakens a part of my brain that hasn’t been used since 1984 when I would go to Mr. Gatti’s in high school and dip my pepperoni slice into a cup of Ranch dressing. I’m not proud of that behavior, but it’s in my past. The restaurant also has one called Southwest Ranch that must have jalepenos in it and I don’t even want to know what’s in the Thai Ranch. Perusing their menu, I see a few things that I would be willing to taste provided they have a full bar for me to wash it down with. Fried Pickle Chips breaded in ranch-seasoned panko and served with chipotle ranch? Yes. Chicken Bacon Flatbread on a ranch-seasoned crust topped with ranch white sauce, chicken, bacon and Mozzarella cheese? Yes, please. Toasted ravioli stuffed with beef and pork and served with marina ranch? Fuck yes, please.
For those of who don’t know who Springs1 is, she is a mysterious crazy lady on the Internet who spouts off insane diatribes about what she believes should be happening in restaurants. Her favorite keys on the keyboard are the cap lock and the exclamation point and she obsesses on Ranch dressing. She has a history of of finding blogs like this one and then commandeering the comments section ranting and raving about how she has been mistreated in restaurants. Her blogs are pure crazy. No one is sure of her true identity, but I have a pretty good idea after some investigative research. When I contacted her to see if she was the illusive Springs1, she denied it, but her comments suddenly stopped appearing on my blog. I also have her blocked now so no matter how hard she tries, she cannot comment on this page. However, I wondered what her thoughts would be on this Ranch dressing restaurant and since I can’t know for certain, I have decided to write what I imagine her thoughts would be:
I HAVE FOUND my favorite restaurant of all time.!1!!1 It’s called Twisted *****RANCH***** and it MAKES my HIDDEN valley moist.!111! (That’s WHAT I CALL MY vagina: hidden valley.)!!11! I CANNOT WAIT to TRY it and even THOUGHT it DOES not open *****UNTIL****** June, I have already looked at the menu and decided what I WILL order: everything.!!1!!!11 Seriously, THIS place sounds so good that I may have to buy a house next DOOR so ****I****** can eat there EVERY day until my arteries get harder THAN my nipples are right now JUST thinking about Cheesy Ranch Potato Bake.!1!!! ******I**** only hope that the ******SERVER**** knows how to treat ME AND *****DOESN’T***** MAKE me MAD.!1!1!! THAT WOULD BE very upsetting because usually IF I ****DON’T**** like *****A**** waiter, I stop GOING to the restaurant, but I WILL never stop going TO this one.!!!11 IT’S ALL Ranch.!1!1! Ummm, HELLO????!??!!! It’s like MY favorite *****FOOD**** of all time and I will do anything to eat at it.!!1!!!! IT’S like my PRAYERS TO Jesus have FINALLY BEEN ******ANSWERED.******!!!111!! June cannot come soon enough.!11!1!