These Are Definitely The Worst Google Questions About Waiters

Thanks, Google...

Thanks, Google…

Google is a wonderful thing when you are in need of answers, for there is no question too difficult for Google, but sometimes you have to filter through pages and pages of Internet garbage until you find the most basic answer to your original question. I am here to help. While recently typing in an inane question about waiters, Google so helpfully predicted what it was I may have been searching for. I suppose it only predicts what others have already typed in, but some of the questions surprised me. Rather than go to each page and sift through the answers, I have decided to answer them myself. You’re welcome.

Why do waiters pour a little wine? Usually, we are pouring a little bit of wine because it helps us get through our shift. Most bosses do not approve of drinking on the job, so in order to get away with it, we pour only a little bit at a time so we can down it quickly and get on over to Table 7 to see why they are frantically waving their arms. If we pour too much wine and are unable to finish it in one sip, then we will have to leave it sitting in the sidestand taking a chance that our manager will discover it or worse, an overzealous busboy will unwittingly pour it out.

Why do waiters wear black? Waiters wear black because it is allows us to stain the fuck out of our uniforms and still wear them. If we wore white, customers would see every wine, sauce and ketchup stain on our clothes and know how truly disgusting our uniforms sometimes are. Black uniforms are the best as long as there is no black light, in which case black uniforms are an awful awful idea.
Why do waiters serve from the right? I honestly don’t know. I assume it has something to do with some old fashioned custom that came down from Downton Abbey times when butlers were doing all the serving. Maybe it’s because more people are right-handed and it is just easier to serve from the right if you are using your right hand. On the other hand, if you’re working at Chili’s nobody gives a flying fajita fuck which side you serve from.

Why do waiters need tips? We need tips for the same reason that other people with jobs need paychecks; to pay for minor things like rent, electricity and food. No big deal.

Why do waiters get tips? Waiters get tips because we are performing a service and since servers make less than minimum wage, it is a societal custom for customers to provide a 15-20% tip based on the total of their bill. This is how it is in our country. Accept it.
Why do waiters get paid so little? I think our hourly has something to do with restaurant owners not wanting to pay a living wage to their staff so they can can keep the prices of their food affordable. If restaurant owners decided to pay all of their servers $15-20 an hour, menu prices would become higher and customers would have a new thing to complain about.

Why do waiters complain so much? I don’t think waiters complain any more than the average person who has job. Everyone feels better if they can vent their frustrations so waiters tend to vent. A lot. After all, we have plenty to complain about considering we have jobs that pay us very little and we are dependent on the generosity of strangers to cover our wages. Not to mention, we are only pouring a little bit of wine when we really want to drink the whole bottle with a straw. We also happen to be very good at complaining and as Oprah once said, in order to find happiness you should find something you’re really good at and keep doing it. I guess that means waiters who are good at complaining are just going to keep complaining until we are happy, so get the fuck over it.

Why do waiters put salt on napkins? What the fuck is Google talking about who the hell typed that question? I have no idea what this means.

Why do waiters make so little? Some waiters make so little because there are too many people in this country who feel that tipping is not their responsibility and they stiff the server meaning that the waiter is working for absolutely nothing. The people who do that are horrible excuses for human beings and if they even spent just one week carrying a tray for a living they would never do it again. Of course, not all waiters make “so little.” Plenty of them make very good livings serving food but even they have to deal with the occasional asshole who does not believe in tipping. Tipping exists so how can someone not “believe” in it?

Why do waiters pour water from the side? When a waiter pours water from the side of the pitcher rather than from the spout, there are two reasons for this. Number one is so that the waiter can get plenty of ice into the glass because god forbid a table drink water that is room temperature The second reason is simply a time issue; more water can be poured from the side than the spout thus filling the glass up quicker so we can move on to more important things like making sure our little bit of wine is still in the sidestand.

Thank you, Google, for providing us with these wonderful questions, but I cannot imagine that your answers would be better than what I have come up with.

42 thoughts on “These Are Definitely The Worst Google Questions About Waiters

  1. Dawn

    Pouring from the side of the pitcher also reduces foam when pouring beer, as well as keeping the random chuck of ice (when pouring soda/tea/water) from getting stuck in the too small plastic spout and splashing liquid all over said waiter(waitress) and/or customer.

    Reply
    1. Ashley

      I pour from the side of the pitcher because if I don’t it spills all over my ugly ass already stained uniform.

      Reply
  2. Courtney

    This is true. I worked for Chili’s for five years and no one, including myself, gave a flying fajita fuck as which hand I was serving food with.

    Reply
  3. Sophia

    The “pouring a little wine” is in reference to wine service at a table. When ordering a bottle, I always open it at the table and pour a little taste in each glass, starting with the lady so she may taste it and approve or not. That is if it’s a two-top of a straight man-woman couple. If more than two people are at the table or if the two-top is of two men, I pour first to whomever ordered the bottle.

    This is done because a lot of people will order wines by the bottle, of which many restaurants do not offer tastes for obvious reasons. (We have some by the glass/bottle and some by bottle only.) So it is to make sure that they like the wine, and if not, we just take it and use it to sell by the glass until it is finished.

    Reply
    1. Sophia

      !!!!

      I meant to add that people order by the bottle **** WITHOUT KNOWING what sort of wine they’ve ordered. They want to be adventurous but sometimes they are pickier than they realize.

      Reply
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  5. DHB

    I cannot stand when servers pour from the side! I want water to drink to quench my thirst, not a glass full of ice; just a few cubes will do the job. I don’t want my teeth frozen. Neither do I want my water glass sticking to the napkin because there is a lake of condensation on the glass because the server filled the glass with ice. I really don’t give a flying fajita fuck how long it takes to pour water, by the way, even if the ice jams in the spout. Take your time with it; I’ll notice and appreciate the attention and service.

    Reply
    1. Ashley S

      If only we could tell you apart from the other, more common kind of asshole who complains when their ice has all melted and they need more. If only I could read minds, only then will I be able to give prefect service to everyone.

      Reply
    1. bartenderD

      My bar guests know more about serving than Bitchy Waiter and they work construction lol I agree that some of those questions are not the best but the answers from Bitchy Waiter show more ignorance than the people asking the questions. Lost all credibility IMO.

      Reply
  6. tiela

    i think you misunderstood the wine question…I don’t think they’re asking about us pouring a little wine to drink ourselves. i think it was about the sample pour when doing wine service at a table. most people (and more and more servers it seems) aren’t used to “proper” wine service. although I could be wrong and it could be about us needing a little help through a rough shift, and guests catching wise. perhaps you were just being cheeky in your answer…either way, nice post 🙂

    Reply
  7. Heather dixon

    Omg really….. The wine. YES OF COURSE THE PROPER WINE SERVICE…..but he was being sarcastic. So embarrassed for u. Some of the best advice ever…. Do not raise your hand or give comments unless u are 200% sure it’s not a dumbass question or reply.

    Reply
  8. Alyssa

    I pour a 1oz taste to whoever ordered the bottle if I’m doing bottle service.

    A table has a right after tasting to reject a bottle. It makes them basically giant assholes, but we do it nonetheless.

    If you pour a customer a 6oz glass off their bottle and they don’t like it, you can’t put it back in the bottle. But if you are the one handling the bottle and you pour them one ounce and they reject it, that bottle can then become staff wine or if it’s a pricey bottle special it out by the glass.

    Reply
    1. nico@ver

      Alyssa, it does not make them giant asshole if the wine has degraded.
      So in your restaurant, patrons should drink vinegar and thanks you?

      Reply
      1. DHB

        Exactly right. I ordered a bottle once that has turned bad, Lime-a-Way bad, and sent it back and the staff was very professional about it.

        That reminds me of the time I rejected a bottle because the waiter destroyed the cork while opening it and there were chunks of cork everywhere in the wine. It turned out the waiter was shit-faced.

        Reply
        1. Mangler

          As much as I prefer opening a bottle for my table, some places require the bartender to open the bottle at the bar before handing it to the server – for exactly that reason. If the place doesn’t sell bottles that often, or is a Chili’s, many servers just aren’t skilled enough to do it without destroying the cork.

          Reply
      2. cat

        the people who reject the wine are also the same ones who sniff the cork. If the wine is bad, than by all means, send it back, but it’s usually some douchecanoe who is trying to make himself look important/educated about wine to the rest of the table, who pull this stunt.

        Reply
  9. Amy

    I think the “pouring a little bit of wine” is in reference to wine service at a table. A “glass” of wine is typically a 6oz pour. , most wine glasses are much larger than 6 ounces, so if you’re not used to ordering wine out , you’re not getting jipped! Don’t complain about how little is in your glass !

    Reply
    1. Sara

      Exactly I was thinking this too. Also, when someone orders a bottle, the server is supposed to first serve whoever ordered it a small taste to make sure it’s too their liking. Once they nod in approval (hopefully), you can continue pouring for the rest of the table, ladies first.

      Reply
      1. Evie

        This is actually an extremely common misconception. The server pours a sip or two for the customer to determine if the wine has gone bad or not. It doesn’t happen often, but you do come across the occasional bad bottle. If you go out and order a bottle and don’t like it, well, you’re SOL. You’re still paying for it. The business can’t re-cork the bottle, and most establishments don’t make too much on wine by the bottle anyway. If you ever have any hesitations about not liking the wine, just order a glass instead, or ask your server for details about it (if it’s sweet/dry, fruity/woody, etc.). Unless it’s absolute crap wine, you’re probably going to enjoy it.

        Reply
        1. JD

          Very few people know this. Glad to see at least one other person does. We went out to dinner with my brother in law once, he made an ass out of himself, tasting 2 bottles and sending them back. Believe it or not, the restaurant did not make him pay.

          Reply
  10. Sarah

    I’m pretty sure we serve to the right for blind people. It’s the same as having white sugar all the way on the right because blind people know what sugar they’re grabbing.

    Reply
  11. Eric

    Waiters don’t pour salt on napkins. Annoying ass bar customers do so the napkin doesn’t stick to their 8th bud light. Then the waiter gets to clean up half a shaker of salt, after calling them a cab.

    Reply
    1. Kristin

      Haha! So true! Servers don’t pour the salt on the napkin. Customers do. And then we get to clean up the salt mess and have to refill the shakers! I hate when people do that. Drink your drink faster and there will be no condensation 😉

      Reply
  12. Rachel Trandahl

    Servers will often sprinkle salt on a bev nap to absorb condensation from the glass and prevent the napkin from sticking to the glass when the customer picks it up. So there’s the answer to that question. Great answers to the rest! Love your page, btw. Keep up the good work and keep on keeping on! 🙂

    Reply
  13. Kristie

    Good post Bitchy! The salt on the napkin question is more for a bartender but servers do it too. It helps to keep your glass from sticking to your glass when it sweats.

    Reply
  14. heather hudson

    salt on napkins- a little table salt sprinkled on a bev nap keeps the bev nap from sticking to the class when you pick it up. Learned that during my years of serving/bartending.

    Reply

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