An Open Letter to The Lady Who Stole All the Tea

These are not free.

These are not free.

Dear Lady at Table 18,

Where did all the tea go? You asked for hot tea and so I brought out the little caddy that has all the different tea bags in it; chamomile, Lemon, Red Zinger, Earl Grey, Peppermint, Green, English Breakfast, etc. You told me you couldn’t decide, so I left the caddy there so you could choose whichever one you wanted. When it came time for your second beverage, (you know, I work in a club that has a two-beverage minimum) you told me you would just have another hot tea so you asked me to leave the caddy so you could choose one. That’s fine. I didn’t mind at all. What I did mind, though, was going to the the table after I gave you your change and discovering that the tea caddy was now empty.

Bitch, you stole our tea. That shit ain’t free, lady.

Whether or not you felt the tea was overpriced does not make it okay to open up your pocketbook and dump all of the tea into it where I’m sure it landed next to Splenda packets, pens from the bank and some meatballs that were being passed around at Costco last week. Are you the same lady who goes to the Golden Corral Buffet and fills Ziplock baggies with rolls? You are, aren’t you? It’s called stealing, bitch. If you went to JCPenny to buy your self a new pantsuit and it cost $29.99, what do you do if you think it’s too expensive? Do you buy the pantsuit and then also put some extra pantyhose into the bag to justify the cost? How about when you go to Walmart and you see that the Hamburger Helper is now $3.99 instead of $3.49, do you buy it but steal a couple of packets of taco mix to make up the cost? You do, don’t you?

Here’s the thing, lady. You know how we ask for a phone number for everyone who comes in to the club? We say we do that in case someone leaves something at their table, with it being so dark and all, but we also do it so that if some cheap bitch like you tries to walk out on her check, we can call your ass. Unless you had the foresight to give the hostess a fake one, I now have your phone number. I am trying to decide what to do with it. Of course, the right thing to do would be to just let this go and hope that karma will bite you in your pantsuit wearing ass. But I could call you from a pay phone and say something like, “I know what you did and so does God.” Or I could print up a flyer saying you are selling a used iPad for $75 and then post the flyer all over the 7 train. It appears to be a land line so I could use the reverse directory to learn your address and then sign you up for some free literature from various churches around the country. The possibilities are endless.

Please don’t steal the tea. If you are that desperate for a teabag, I’m sure you can post an ad on Craigslist and some man would be happy to come to your home and teabag you until you choke on his testicles. Taking tea bags, sugar packets, condiments, toilet paper, and silverware from restaurants only means that the price of things are going to go up even more. If you think the tea is too expensive now, think how expensive it would be if everyone who ordered it stole ten or twelve more tea bags. What will you do then to offset the cost? Steal a fucking booth or walk out with a heat lamp?

Please don’t steal the tea. Bitch.

The Bitchy Waiter


  1. michelledrm

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