Two Stories. One Purse. (Get It Off the Floor!!)

Move your fucking purse, bitch.

Move your fucking purse, bitch.

Everyone knows that each story has two sides. So often, we only hear one side of the story but today is different. Today is the day that we will know both sides of the story and that story is about a purse. A purse that happened to be placed on the floor of a restaurant and then had its picture taken. Is it wrong to lay a purse on the floor of a restaurant, possibly blocking the walkway and endangering a server? Is it wrong of the server to assume that the purse should be placed on a chair instead? Perhaps the purse has a good reason for being on the floor. There are two stories, one purse.




The customer’s version:

La di da, la di da. I’m so excited to be here at the Cracker Barrel. I haven’t been here in three days and I can feel that my arteries are starting to unclog a little bit, so that means it’s time for some fried chicken livers. Good lord, I’m hungry. At first I was planning on eating a salad but now that I’m here and I can smell the grease, my mind has been changed. Maybe I’ll get some fried chicken and some fried okra too but I need to make sure I save room for some of that double chocolate fudge Coca-Cola cake. It’s after breakfast, but I’m sure if I ask for a side of pancakes they will do it. The customers is always right, after all. I would have been here sooner but I had to get my hair cut this morning. I still have not found someone who can cut my hair to look like that adorable Kate Gosselin girl. I took this picture of her to the beauty salon but they just can’t seem to get it right.

nice hair

bitch haircut

Anyways, I met my friend Pam here and they tried to put us at a little rinky-dink table for two. I said, “Excuse me, but Pam’s ass is huge and we need a bigger table. I want that one,” and I pointed to a table for four. The waitress obliged because she knows that the customer is always right. So we’re sitting down and I can’t figure out where to put my purse. I love my purse. It’s big and red and I got it at Sam’s Club. It has about ten different compartments and a place for my pen and my checkbook and my lipsticks and my lady needs. Some people are surprised that you can get purses at Sam’s but I know that you can everything you need at Sam’s. I love this purse so much and when I bought it came with a free six-pack of paper towels and block of Velveeta. Anyways, I just didn’t know what to do with my purse. Pam put her purse on the empty chair next to her but that didn’t make no sense to me. People put their butts on those chairs and I love my purse too much to put it on a nasty ol’ Cracker Barrel chair, so I decide to put it on the floor next to the table. That way it’s easier for me to drop some of them cute little mini bottles of syrup into it. When our waitress comes up for me to tell her I want a sweet tea, she is so rude; she is straddling my purse with her legs and I saw her dirty ol’ shoes get within a couple of inches of it. I don’t appreciate that at all but I’m still gonna leave my purse there on the floor and if she thinks it’s in her way, then she’s just gonna have to deal with it. I always keep my prized possessions on the floor and that purse is my prized possession. Even at home I keep my purse on the floor. It’s right next to my Louie Buton shoes I got at Costco, my Coach wallet that I bought off of Ebay and my jewelry that I ordered off of QVC. The floor is the perfect place for valuables. Anyways, I can’t wait to get my fried chicken livers. Don’t you worry, arteries, y’all be clogged up again right quick. And yes, my purse is staying on the floor right where it is even if it does seem to be in the way of all these waitresses walking back and forth here. It’s their job to accommodate my needs and I need to have my purse on the gosh darn freakin’ floor. Now bring on the livers!

The servers version:

Look at that dumb Kate Gosselin-wanna-be bitch with her cheap ugly ass purse laying in the floor right where I need to walk. I guess I’ll just have to spill water on it, kick it and then “accidentally” trip on it so I can scatter all her crap all over the mother fucking place.




  1. Meaghan
  2. Meaghan
  3. Anita
  4. Marc Neermann
    • RMS
  5. colleen
  6. Zack
  7. Sasha
    • Sasha
  8. Mangler
  9. Amber
  10. Christina
    • RMS
  11. Lynn
  12. BobbyAnn
  13. Ruff
  14. Renee
    • The Bitchy Waiter
      • Shelley
  15. mike hayes

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