How Desperate is Olive Garden? This Desperate:

Eat it up, bitches.

Eat it up, bitches.

With the news of Olive Garden’s Never-Ending Pasta Pass, I asked a true Olive Garden  fanatic to explain how she feels about the whole thing. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Doreen to The Bitchy Waiter Blog.   -BW

Hey everyone, my name is Doreen and thank you to the Bitchy Waiter for letting me write today’s post. Oh my God, I am so excited. I love Olive Garden so much and my favorite thing of all time is when the Never-Ending Pasta Bowl starts. Seriously, as soon as I find out the date that it’s going to start, I set a countdown on my smart phone and LITERALLY watch the seconds tick away until I can go down to Olive Garden and cram food into my face until it’s coming out of my ears. I love their food so much, because it tastes just like what my Mom used to make when I was little and she would take Chef Boyardee Ravioli and “spice it up.” Anyways, every night when I go to bed, I pray for Never-Ending Pasta Bowl to start soon, but imagine how excited I was yesterday to see that now they have a Never-Ending Pasta Pass. For real, I am so excited, that I almost just sharted my pants. Okay, I didn’t almost shart them.

Let me explain: for $100, I can buy a pass that will let me eat all the pasta I want every single day from September 22 to November 9. That is 49 glorious days! And not only do I get to eat pasta, I can get all the salad and breadsticks I want plus unlimited Cokes! And get this: if I take any of my friends with me, they get free Cokes too. Did I just die and wake up in Alfredo Sauce Heaven?? I think I did! I think this Pasta Pass is going to be as close as I ever come to making that dream I had a few years ago come true: the one where I was sitting on the toilet and eating Chicken and Shrimp Carbonara while I was pooping. It was like the circle of life; in one end and out the other.

If I go When I go every single day, that will mean that I am only paying $2.04 a meal, but that’s if I just went once a day. I am going to go for lunch and dinner so I will only be paying $1.02 every time I eat! My favorite manager Elliot at the Mechanicsburg, PA location will get to see me every day. (Truth be told, I have a little bit of a crush on him and I would pay way more than $1.02 to have five seconds alone with him in that back booth over by the bathroom! Good God, I wish that Elliot would stuff my chicken marsala.)

I think I will take a friend with me every time I go so she can get a free Coke and then I will just share my pasta with her. She can order a small salad and then just eat off of my plate. What’s the waitress gonna do, police me? And I’m also going to ask for another big serving after my usual three so I can get it in a doggy bag to have for breakfast the next day. Man, Olive Garden is so going to regret giving me the Pasta Pass. Another great thing about this, is that I won’t have to tip! If I get my Pasta Pass in the mail for a $100, I won’t pay a tip on that because a waiter didn’t give it to me. And when I use the Pasta Pass at the restaurant, I won’t get a bill, so I won’t have to leave a tip because 10% of zero is zero. Heck, since my bill is zero, I would go crazy and tip 15% instead, but that’s still zero, so sorry, Olive Garden waitress. No tip from me.

I bought my Pasta Pass yesterday. There were only 1000 available and it took me forever to get it because the darn website was so slow. I guess everybody wanted a Pasta Pass, but I finally made it through and it’s on the way! I wonder what it’s going to look like! I hope it doesn’t look like a regular OG gift card. I hope it’s black and made of metal. I want to feel important when I flash my card to Elliott. Maybe he’ll think I’m a VIP and serve me himself. (Good God, I’d love to get a taste of his spaghetti and meat balls!) When I get my card in the mail, it will be the best day of my life. I cannot wait until September 22 and I will be there as soon as they open. I will have my Pasta Pass hanging around my neck in the specially crocheted holder I made last night so they will know to treat me like the queen of pasta that I am. I dread November 10th when I have to start paying for my Olive Garden food again. This $100 will be the best money I have ever spent. It really is a dream come true. Well, almost a dream come true. I still want to do that whole circle of life thing with the Chicken and Shrimp Carbonara while sitting on the toilet. Maybe on November 9th!

Thanks, Olive Garden!! I love you!

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