The Last A**hole Child of the Year

It’s the last day of 2017 and we have discovered our final asshole child of the year: Annabelle. It appears that Annabelle likes two things. She likes hockey and she likes to use crayons to destroy perfectly good linens at restaurants. Annabelle, while I appreciate your artistic endeavors and I can see that you have a bright future ahead of you as either a hockey goalie or an amateur sign painter, who the hell told you it was okay to do this? I know it wasn’t the server, because that server specifically told me that when she asked you to stop doing it, your mother jumped in exclaiming that you’re “just a child.” Oh, wait. I just answered my own question. Your mother allowed this. Annabelle, put your mom on the phone, I wanna talk to her.

Hello, Annabelle’s Mom? Bitchy Waiter here. That is some straight up bad parenting right there. You are teaching your daughter that the belongings of other people don’t matter and that she can do whatever she wants. What a great way to raise a selfish, unaware human being that will thing the world revolves around her. Are you trying to make sure your daughter is just like you when she grows up because that’s what it seems like. I’m sure every parent dreams of having a little Mini Me, but maybe you should try to weed out some bad behaviors and create a better person that yourself. I once heard that all any parent wants is for their child to be happier and more successful than they were, but you really need to factor in some of the character flaws that you might want to do away with. If you teach Annabelle that it’s okay to draw all over a table cloth in a restaurant, what do you think Annabelle is going to teach her daughter? Yeah, the same thing. So in twenty-five years, I’ll have to write this blog post all over again when your granddaughter does this and a disgruntled server sends me a picture of it. (Although by the year 2052, they will probably send me something much more complex than an image. It might be a hologram or a visual memory that is shared directly to my brain using the Apple iSharing dock that we all have installed in our brains by then.) Annabelle’s Mom, the next time you see your daughter destroying property, your response should be something like this:

Annabelle, honey, that’s not nice. That tablecloth doesn’t belong to you. Give me those crayons right now and go find the waitress so you can apologize for your abhorrent behavior. And also apologize to them on my behalf, because I failed as a parent. And I want to apologize to you for letting this happen. I should have been paying attention to all of those art projects you have bringing home all those years and told you right then and there to give up art because you suck at it. Your spacing is all wrong and that random blue mark is throwing off the color palette. We need to find you a new hobby that your more suited for, like reading or sitting all quiet in a dark corner somewhere. And while I’m being so honest with you, sweetie, the only thing you’re worse at than drawing is hockey. Watching you play today was painful.

Good bye, 2017.


  1. Spiteful
  2. Rocky
    • Heather
    • Cameron Rose
    • Kitty
  3. Karen
  4. Janet Tranum
  5. Heather
    • Marge

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