Found: The Man You Never Want To Work For

You don't want to work here.

You don’t want to work here.

Each day, my inbox is filled with hundreds and hundreds (okay, two or three, maybe) pictures and emails from people who want my opinion on some restaurant situation. A couple of weeks ago, someone named “Amanda” sent me a photo and a short rant about her time as a server at a breakfast chain restaurant. Try as I might, I could not convince her to tell me the name of the chain, so we can only assume it’s Denny’s, Cracker Barrel, IHOP or some shit like that there. Amanda has waited tables for five years and presumably knows her way around a stack of pancakes, but there was a manager there that she could not tolerate and after four days, she put in her notice and Rooty-Tooty Fresh and Fruityed her ass outta there. Amanda tells me the man’s name was Dan and instead of a table chart or menu or anything about the restaurant, she was simply given a sheet of paper titled “Dan’s Cardinal Sins.” It is a list of 37 things that Dan the Man cannot stand and it’s pretty ridiculous. I want to look at this list and dissect its points. Even though we do not know where the restaurant is located or what chain it is, hopefully, enough people will share the post and it will eventually get back to Dan who will maybe realize what a dick he truly appears to be.

  1. “What can I get you to drink?” I am assuming he wants servers to suggestively sell things and say shit like, “Can I get you a glass of orange juice or a fresh cup of coffee?”
  2. Un-prebussed tables. I’m with Dan. This is a good thing. Maybe not a cardinal sin, but a good thing.
  3. Cell phones in the dining room. Again, not an uncommon rule, but that’s what aprons are for, right?
  4. Eating in the dining room. Pretty normal request.
  5. Horsing around in the dining room. I would ask for a definition of “horsing around.” Does he mean there is to be no galloping or eating of hay? Are servers allowed to have a good time while at work as long as they do not officially trot?
  6. Being late and not calling the store. Yes, Dan, good point.
  7. Texting/calling Dan’s personal cell phone for work related matters. This one confuses me. They cannot call about work related issues, but I guess they can call just to shoot the breeze and talk about life. If he truly does not want people to call his cell phone he should probably not give the number to his staff. Also, servers should remember that if they do want to call him about non-work related issues, to only do it when he is not in the ding room, otherwise he won’t get the message. (See cardinal sin #3.)
  8. Not cleaning up after yourself. Fine. I agree.
  9. Bad attitudes. Uh oh, I might have a problem here. I think it should say no “outwardly” bad attitudes, because if my attitude is crap but I can manage to keep it inside where no one knows about it, then my attitude can be as bad as it fucking wants to be.
  10. Dropping menus off at a table and walking away. Dropping off menus and running away is perfectly acceptable.
  11. Bitch faces. Okay, fire me now.
  12. Requesting off for the wrong year. The wrong year? Do people really have to put in their requests 12 months in advance?
  13. Starting sidework when the dining room is messy (especially on weekends). What if your sidework is in the back of the house and you don’t know that the dining room is messy?
  14. “I have to go to my other job.” Okay, this is bullshit. If someone has to work two jobs to get though life, then both jobs need to understand that they are of equal importance.
  15. Being more than 10 minutes late and not calling. Didn’t we already go through this with #6, Dan? You can eliminate one of them and shorten your list to 36.
  16. Un-presentable food. That seems like it should be on the list for the kitchen crew.
  17. Not talking about specials. If the restaurant is Denny’s or Cracker Barrel, how special can the special be? Is it really worth talking about?
  18. We are out of ______ when it’s in a box. I am assuming this means he wants people to go to the stock room to look for napkins before declaring that the restaurant is out of them. I agree.
  19. We are out of ______ and not writing it on my list. Write it on the list but whatever you do do not text or call him about it.
  20. Clutter. Examples of clutter would copies of this fucking list.
  21. Crap from the bargain box. I have no idea what this means.
  22. Running biscuits before hot food. This is a travesty. Biscuits ARE hot food, Dan, and the biscuit is one of the most important foods of any breakfast establishment. Your comment leads me to believe that you have something against biscuits, and that sir, makes you a dick biscuit.
  23. Complaining about tipping out. Feel free to complain about how little you make, how crappy the sidework is and what a dick Dan may be.
  24. Smoking for more than 4 minutes. This is my favorite point, because he does not specify what you can or cannot smoke in those four minutes. Marijuana, crack or tobacco, it does not matter as long as you do it within four minutes. Enjoy your smoke breaks.
  25. Unfilled drinks. However, unfulfilled dreams are fine.
  26. Dirty silverware being rolled. I agree and according to point #24, dirty weed is fine for rolling.
  27. “That’s not my job.” Sorry, if some bitch throws up a Philly Cheesesteak Omelette all over the table and I see you walking towards me with a mop, those are the first four words that will come out of my mouth. The next two will be “I” and “quit.
  28. “I’m on dish today.” Again, what the fuck does this mean?
  29. Leaving ketchup, etc. on table. You can leave the bottles of ketchup but none of the ketchup itself. This will be awkward when a customer wants some for their fries and all you are allowed to give them is an empty bottle of ketchup.
  30. Properly wiping off tables so you get all excess food off of it! This is the only sin with an exclamation point, so Dan means business. He is going to be seriously pissed off if you properly wipe a table, so leave that food all over the damn place. But not ketchup. That would be wrong.
  31. Not being proud of where you work. Wait, so no Bitch Face AND I have to be proud of where I work?? Oh, hell no.
  32. Ringing in the wrong side. This is similar to waking up on the wrong side. Of the bed.
  33. Waiting on fries. Yeah, why bother waiting on fries since you aren’t allowed to leave any ketchup to go with them?
  34. Cold pancakes/eggs/french toast. In other words, stick your finger into every piece of food to make sure the temperature is correct.
  35. Microwaving anything. So why is there a microwave there, Dan?
  36. Spending too long at a table. You must inherently know the amount of time.
  37. Spending too short at a table. Dan is not going to tell you details. You can have four minutes to smoke crack, but all other time limits must be instinctual.

Discussion

  1. Jen
  2. Jen
  3. steph
  4. Chrissy
  5. robb
    • Ryan
      • robb
        • Collin
          • robb
        • Joe
          • robb
      • monica
  6. Dan
    • Dan
      • Collin
      • sally
      • NonServer
        • HASserved
          • Chrissy
          • NonServer
      • monica
  7. Cayla
  8. Maria
  9. Denise in WI
    • Anonymous
  10. robb
    • Shannon
      • robb
    • Michelle
    • sally
  11. Angela
    • julyjeanne
  12. Anonymous
    • Olive
    • Sasha
      • DM
    • monica
  13. Anonymous
  14. Mike
  15. Shelby
    • Denise in WI
      • Matthew Tyler
        • Krista
        • Denise in WI
  16. Joseph
    • Rachel
  17. Cassandra

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