Thank you to KWG in Portland, Oregon for this very important news story about someone who is wasting the precious commodity that is known as a Voodoo doughnut. I have been to Voodoo Doughnuts once and the doughnuts should be held in the greatest respect. They should be placed on a pedestal and worshipped and adored. However, an employee got angry at a customer and instead decided to put two doughnuts under the windshield wipers of a customer’s car. What kind of world do we live in where a food service employees thinks it’s a good idea to waste doughnuts?
The story goes that a customer named Luke Copeland had placed an order for $2000 worth of doughnuts. That is a lot of fucking doughnuts. No word on what he needed that many doughnuts for, but I can only assume it was for one of those massive pastry orgies that everyone in the Northwest goes to every other Wednesday night. While he was inside picking up his orgy supplies, an employee was pissed off that Luke had parked someplace that wasn’t an actual parking spot even though someone else in the store had told him it was okay to park there. This is when the angry employee grabbed a couple of spare doughnuts and placed them on the windshield.
For the love of God, think of the doughnuts! Think of the doughnuts, people. Doughnuts belong on plates and napkins and in some very unusual circumstances, a penis, but never on a car windshield.
Luke was upset. Now if it was me, I’d be like, “Cool, two free doughnuts!” but Luke isn’t me. He went in an complained and basically no one in the store cared. I think Luke could have just removed the doughnuts with his hands, brushed them off and had them as a snack, but based on the video, it looks like he turned on his windshield wipers instead. Umm, who the fuck thinks windshield wipers are going to do anything to doughnuts other than make a big bukkake mess on your windshield? The manager of the store, David Drexler, found about the doughnut smear and promptly fired the employee and gave Luke some compensation: a free dozen doughnuts every month for a year.
This is my cue to drive my ass to Portland, park in front of a Voodoo Doughnuts and stick a couple of Entenmann’s under my windshield wipers and hope that David will send me a box of free doughnuts every month. If that doesn’t work, I have this to say to Luke Copeland:
“Luke, I am your father. Please send me the doughnuts.”