Monthly Archives: May 2014

9/11 Cafe Might Be the Worst Restaurant Ever



The big talk in the New York newspapers over the last couple of days has been the opening of the 9/11 Memorial Museum. Ever since that horrible Tuesday so many years ago, the entire event has been mired in controversy. No one is debating that what happened on that crisp September morning wasn’t one of the most awful things to befell our country. It was terrible for everyone, even for those of us who didn’t lose anyone personally. The country as a whole lost something that day that we will never get back, namely the feeling that we are completely safe in our own cities. The latest controversy is that of an 80-seat café that is to be opened at the museum this summer by famed restaurateur Danny Meyer. The families of survivors find it to be in poor taste that not even someplace so hallowed as the 9/11 Memorial Museum can escape the pure commercialization that runs rampant in our society. I agree. A restaurant at the 9/11 Memorial Museum? How fucking crass can it be?

Customer: Hi, I just relived the horror that was September 11th and after being forced to walk through that tacky gift shop I just want to say that I think having a restaurant here is so disrespectful. How dare you!

Waiter: I’m sorry ma’am. I can certainly understand your hesitation to dine here seeing that my section is directly above the final resting place of over a thousand people, but I would suggest you look at our menu. It was created by Danny Meyer and he came up with the Shake Shack, so he really knows what he’s doing.

Customer: I’m not hungry, I’m disgusted. I just spent the last hour and a half crying my eyes out.

Waiter: I am sorry to hear that, ma’am. Maybe you’d like a quick bite to take your mind off the most catastrophic event ever to have happened on our soil. Can I start you off with some Al-Queda Quesadillas or an order of our Twin Towers of Freedom Fries, which are hand-cut by box cutters and served to you in a take home souvenir replica of the first tower. Buy one tower of fries and the next tower is half off.

Customer: That is awful, you should be ashamed of yourself. You make me sick.

Waiter: If that’s not to your liking, might I suggest something to drink? We do have American Airlines Flight 11 different beers on tap. Cold and frosty! Or maybe an Eternal Fountain Soda which gives you unlimited free refills!

Customer: Are you fucking kidding me?

Waiter: If you’re looking for a light bite, we do have Osama Bin Laden Bagels and Bialys. We do ask, though, that you order those at least four months in advance because they are very difficult to find. We also have a bacon, egg and cheese on a Let’s Roll. The hot wings are also quite delicious and served with a sauce so spicy that it can melt steel. And if you like spicy, you will absolutely love our Jumpin’ Jihad Jambalaya.

Customer: I want to talk to a manger right this very minute. These menu items are completely offensive to me.

Waiter: Yes, ma’am, right away, but please allow me to tell you about our Five-Alarm Chili Nachos and our house salad, which is watercress, tomato and cucumber. It’s called the WTC Salad and it’s quite popular with the locals.

Customer: Oh my God, you cannot be serious.

Waiter: Finally, we do have two house-made desserts. The first is a Talibanana Cream Pie and our Cherries Giuliani Jubilee which is, of course, served flambé.

Customer: I am leaving right now. I have never been so offended by a restaurant in my entire life and whoever  thought it was a good idea to have a café in this most sacred of places was sadly mistaken. You people are horrid horrid excuses for human beings.

Waiter: I am sorry that you feel that way. Have a nice day and never forget.

Customer: Fuck you.

Of course no actual menu items have been announced and it’s only been described as “comfort food” and “New York-made draft beers and American wines on tap,” but the whole thing seems a little bit disrespectful. It’s a bad idea, it just is. Sorry, Danny Meyer, I love some of your other restaurants, but this one might be too soon.

The Baby at Table 21 is Sick and Disgusting


The thing with babies is that you can’t ever leave them alone, even when you want to. Again, I don’t have kids, but that’s what I’ve heard. Surely there are times when a parent secretly wishes that they could just put their baby in a crate, go out to dinner and then come home two hours later, give it some water and take it out for a walk. That seems to work great for my dog. Or maybe there are times when the baby wants to stay home but the parents drag it out anyway. This may have been the case last night when a couple had dinner with their horribly sick child. Looking at that baby’s eyes, they seemed to be saying, “Bitch, I just wanna be at home with some Saltines, ginger ale, a National Enquirer and Oprah.”

I was in my station at the front of the restaurant when my bossy co-worker (read all about him here) came to me and told me (not asked me…) to help clean up the milk that a baby spilled at Table 21. Making my way to the spill zone, I saw another server in the dish room wiping down a high chair. The milk looked bumpy and slimy so I assumed it was some kind of nasty cheap ass baby formula that comes from Costco. The waiter was putting on rubber gloves. “That is some weird looking milk, right? I said. He replied. “Oh, it’s not milk. The baby threw up all over everything.” He began to clean it up as I slowly removed myself from the situation. I do not clean up vomit. (Unlike this super hero.) And then I wondered why the fuck Moe asked me to clean up the “milk” when he knew it was fucking baby puke. One more reason to dislike this guy.

Anhyoo, it was then that I caught my first look at the baby. It was now in pajamas because her clothes were covered in vomit and now in a plastic bag laying on the floor. Obviously, the mother knew this was possibility because she happened to have a pair of pj’s in her diaper bag. The poor little baby looked miserable: watery eyes, a crusty snotty nose and a cough that sounded like it belonged to a senior citizen who smoked a pack of Pall Malls every day for the last 80 years. Once, I think I saw her cough up a piece of baby lung. She quickly ingested it again. It may have been a piece of the Caesar salad her mother was feeding her, but I will just go ahead and say I am 99% sure it was baby lung. Meanwhile, the parents continued having a gay old time while their baby continued to hold down vomit and cough up body parts.

They had a two-top open next to them that I refused to seat anyone at, because I know that nobody wants to sit next to a sick baby and a bag of clothes that smell like vomit. We have to do that on the 7 train pretty much every day so you would think we would be used to it, but we’re not. The baby finally fell asleep (I hope it was asleep) allowing mom and dad to casually sip their coffee while Sick Baby drooled a puddle of mucus on to Mommy’s shoulder. Eventually, they paid the check and went home. Or to the emergency pediatric wing at Elmhusrt Hospital. That baby was fucking sick. But at least Mom and Dad got to go out to eat on a Friday night and good for them. I don’t get parents who can ignore the needs of their kids like that. Reminds me of a time I saw this woman at Blizzard Beach in Disney World. Her baby was asleep and she was carrying it around like a sack of potatoes. And someone told me once that I was selfish for not having kids? I don’t think so.

Another Server Fired Thanks to Social Media

Fired by social media.

Fired by social media.

You know I loves me some social media. My world revolves around it. My sun is Facebook, my moon is Twitter, the stars are Instagram and Uranus is my ass. We live in this crazy digital world where we are all connected but only in a pseudo sense, because “liking” something on Facebook doesn’t really mean that we have meaningful relationship with the person who posted it. But how often do people forget that what we post online can have a direct consequence on someone else? Of course, I never forget because I have a sick fascination with putting things on the Internet to see what happens, but that’s just me.

Case in point, a woman named Tiffany Marie who was dissatisfied with her service at a restaurant called Hacienda Las Glorias. She was so upset about her experience that she went to the restaurant’s Facebook page and posted a negative review about the server Jessica and the day after that review went up, Jessica was fired. Coincidence? I think not. Here is what the review said, but it has since been deleted.

Worst most disrespectful service I’ve ever had a restaurant. I am so beyond pissed at the horrible service and attitude I got today. I was a very regular paying customer for months and after how disrespected I was today I will NEVER go back. I have never been treated so bad. I can’t even express how rude the waitress was. I’ve spent so much money there over the months but they lost very loyal customers today. Unfortunate that they treated us that way. There’s nothing I can’t stand more than rude disrespectful service!!


Boo on you, Tiffany Marie!

Boo on you, Tiffany Marie!

The server sent me an email explaining what had happened and hearing her side of the story is quite different. According to the server, Tiffany Marie was upset that she was charged extra for the cheese sauce on her enchiladas since it normally comes with enchilada sauce. They felt they should have been told in advance. Jessica apologized and told them that it was listed in the menu and someone at the table accused Jessica of being rude. First off, if they are such loyal fucking regular paying customers (as opposed to the customers who don’t have to pay, I suppose) wouldn’t she know that the cheese sauce is extra? Bitch, please. Cheese is never free. Some customers at a nearby table spoke up on Jessica’s behalf  claiming that she wasn’t being rude, she was just doing her job. This probably embarrassed Tiffany Marie and she promptly went home to fire out her negative thoughts to the Hacienda Las Glorias’ Facebook page. The next day, Jessica was unemployed after two years of service.

Now, we don’t know both sides of the story. For all we know, Jessica already had a history of customer complaints and this was the straw that broke the enchilada’s back. However, what we do know is that Tiffany Marie wanted to get a resonse and she succeeded at it. Jessica is now without a job because she didn’t let cheap ass Tiffany know that she was going to have to pay an extra fifty cents or whatever for some extra goddamn cheese sauce on her stupid ass enchiladas. Maybe Tiffany felt bad about the review and that’s why she took it down, but the harm has been done, Tiffany. And by the way, we all know that you knew the cheese sauce was going to be extra. We also all know that you will eventually show your ass back up at Hacienda Las Glorias because you are so damn loyal and you can’t resist some cheese sauce.
What we have here is someone lashing out on the Internet and not thinking about the repercussions of their actions. Before someone tells me that I am doing the same thing let me tell you something: I know that. I think about the reactions that my posts will get and I relish them. If people want to go to Hacienda Las Glorias Facebook page and tell them that you think Jessica should be given a second chance, you should do that. (Seriously, click here to do that.) I also know that Tiffany Marie may eventually see this post and have her feelings hurt, but I’m cool with that. She can soothe her hurt feelings with a box of Velveeta and some Tostitios for all I care. I am not posting Tiffany Marie’s Facebook page in this post, but if you do some digging, I bet you can find it. Some of y’all are bigger bitches than I am.

Good luck, Jessica,

A Comment on Comments, the Troll Edition

A Comment on Comments

A Comment on Comments

First off, let me apologize for the lack of new blog posts lately. Life is a little crazy right now because my bathroom is being renovated and I have not been living in my apartment. Currently, my toilet is in the living room and my bathroom is a pit that we refer to as Deathly Hallows. Needless to say, sitting at a dust-covered computer and writing hasn’t been a top priority. That being said, I posted a picture today on the Bitchy Waiter Facebook Page that elicited some comments that I need to respond to. The photo is that of a table in a restaurant that is covered in a mess because a child decided to put more food on the floor than in its face. It’s not just a few crumbs that fell onto the floor, it looks like mac and cheese and other pieces of crap that the parents had to see were being carelessly tossed to the floor through out the meal.

Asshole Baby Alert

Asshole Baby Alert

A troll came out from under his bridge and left several comments about the photo. This troll I shall call Bilbo Baggins, no offense to Hobbits. According to Bilbo’s Facebook profile, he works in a restaurant, judging by his profile picture, he has a little girl and based on the fact that he left at least twenty comments over the course of an hour, he has even less of a life than I do. Observe, the musings of Bilbo Baggins:

“As a fellow restaurant worker this post borders on entitlement. Do your job.” Yes, Bilbo, we will do our jobs, but we ask that parents do their job as well which involves teaching their children some fucking manners. We all know that if a kid was at home and threw his food around like a chimp throws his poop, the parents wouldn’t stand for it. Letting them do it in a restaurant means that the parents don’t care about anyone except themselves.

“I shouldn’t have to take five seconds to clean up crumbs.” Umm, look at that picture, Bilbo. That is not a five second job. How the hell does one sweep up macaroni and cheese? It’s not that simple. Even if you can get that shit into a dust pan, you still have to go back and wipe the floor. Five seconds my ass. And it takes even less time to just tell the kid, “Stop throwing your fucking food.”

“OMG did you guys call OSHA?” No, I doubt that anyone called the Occupational Safety and Health Administration but it sounds like someone did call the Overly Secure Hot-Headed Asshole club to let Bilbo know his comments were needed on the Internet.

“You guys should quit and go work in a coal mine.” Oh, right, Bilbo, like it’s so easy to apply for a job at a coal mine…

“Jesus Christ this new breed of servers are entitled pussies. It’s goddamn crumbs. People give you cash to press buttons and you bitch about a two minute job that you will probably just pass on to the busboy anyway. What are the crumbs taking time away from your fifth smoke break in 3 hours?” Okay, I see that Bilbo has reconsidered the length of time it would take to sweep this up and it has been increased by an additional 115 seconds. And by the way, I don’t have busboys at my job so sweeping is my responsibility. And I don’t smoke either. I can still be an entitled pussy if I don’t have a busboy and don’t smoke, right?

“When I’m out to eat I also order my own food, put it in the computer and cook it . I don’t want to be an asshole and actually make the people that work there actually so stuff.” Oh, I get it you’re being sarcastic. I can be sarcastic too, Bilbo, watch. That was so funny. You are just so witty and your comments are deep and thoughtful and create great impact on everyone who reads them.

“I also tip 40% so they can blow all their tips of drugs and alcohol when their shift is over.” No one who claims to tip 40% ever even comes close to tipping 40%. I bet your penis is nine inches long too, right?

“I hope you servers didn’t get black lung from sweeping up those crumbs.” It’s mac and cheese. The lungs wouldn’t be black, they would be Kraft yellow.

“I’ve been a server and a bartender for 15 years and this shit pisses me off. It’s an amazing job to have for people who didn’t go to college, artists, working class etc.
If you’re fortunate enough to land a job at a busy place you can make a comfortable living.” I couldn’t agree with you more, Bilbo. Where we disagree is on the idea that parents should at least make some effort to have their children behave and show some fucking respect to servers. The privilege of eating out doesn’t mean that people should do things that they wouldn’t find offensive in their own home. If those parents had some friends over for dinner and their friends’ baby left a pile of crap under their dining room table, you think they’d be okay with that? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

“STFU and be happy with the great job that you have. There are people working in much harder jobs who make half the money who would love to clean up crumbs for a hundred dollars a night.”  Oh, is this a coal mine reference again?

“You could work in a 90 degree warehouse for minimum wage you whiny brats.” Or worse, you could work in a coal mine, right Bilbo?

“Seriously, if sweeping up crumbs under a table offends you so much you are a loser of epic proportions with zero real world perspective. You should be forced to go work in a coal mine for minimum wage.” I am beginning to think that Bilbo works for a coal mine recruitment company and wants us to submit resumes to the human resources department of Coal Mines R Us.

“Yes block him (me) , he doesn’t understand the persecution of having to take 5 minutes to sweep up crumbs.” And ladies and gentleman, it now takes five minutes to sweep up crumbs! It gets more and more difficult with every post.

I can’t anymore with Bilbo Baggins. Every time I go back to the post, he has left another comment. Thank you, Bilbo, for all your insight. I didn’t know what I was going to write about today, but your comments made it abundantly clear. Now go back under your bridge and forage for your own food because I am done feeding you.



Cucumber is the New Lemon


Forgive the inactivity on this blog of late, but I am living through a bathroom renovation and it is making me want to stab my own eyes out. Every day, I have strange men in my bathroom doing things that I don’t understand and it leaves me feeling dirty and disgusted. (That sounded totally dirty…) Between that and preparing for the LIVE BITCHY WAITER SHOW, things are kinda nuts. So, yes, this is a re-post. Thanks.  -BW


There is a new trend sweeping the country that is going to affect servers everywhere. It is truly horrible. In a never-ending attempt to stay cool, hip, forward and chic, restaurants have started to do something that will make people feel like they are eating at some fancy ass restaurant or spa instead of their local Applebee’s or Chili’s. We have all dealt with the limes in the Coronas and the lemons in the Diet Cokes and now it seems it is becoming popular to put cucumbers into glasses of water. Dear Lord in Margaritaville and all things holy, please say this isn’t happening.I have had cucumber water and you know what? It tastes like fucking cucumber water. It was given to me once when I went to get a massage. You know the routine. The spa attendant hands you your robe and points you in the direction of where to go slip it on along with some paper flip-flops and she says, “Would you like anything to drink, sir?” I answered water and the next thing I knew there was a big glass of chilled water in my hand and it had a goddamn fucking cucumber floating in it. First off, a spa should have been offering me some wine, but that’s a different matter. I drank the cucumber water, but for me it had entirely too much of a vegetable-serving taste for me to thoroughly enjoy it.

Why don’t I want this disturbing trend to continue? Allow me to explain. Servers already have enough to do before the restaurant opens and I do not want “slicing cucumbers” to be one more thing on the ever-growing list of opening sidework. Isn’t enough that people want lemon in their water and cherries in their Cokes and olives in their martinis? Let’s leave the cucumber out of it. Besides, I am vehemently opposed to all things vegetable and I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would want to put one in their H20. It was probably some fancy snooty bitch who first tried it.

Lady: Excuse me, waiter, but do you have any cucumber sandwiches? I missed my afternoon tea time and I am simply dying for one.

Waiter: No, ma’am. We don’t have any cucumber sandwiches.

Lady: And please cut off the crusts first. I cannot stand crusts on my cucumber sandwiches.

Waiter: Yeah, we don’t have any cucumber sandwiches.

Lady: And place it on a lace doily, please. Don’t you agree that everything tastes better when it is served on a lace doily?

Waiter: Um, yeah. I’d put your cucumber sandwich on a doily if we had cucumbers sandwiches and doilies, but we don’t. Would you like to try our our Buffalo Wing Quesadilla Pizza Potato Pie instead?

Lady: Just the cucumber sandwich on the doily, thanks.

The waiter heads to the kitchen and is all, “This crazy lady thinks I’m gonna make her a fucking cucumber sandwich. Hey, Salad Guy, hand me a cucumber slice, will ya? I’ll show her what I think about her fucking cucumber sandwich.” He takes it to the bar and pours a glass of water and then drops the cucumber into it. He goes to the snooty lady. He puts on his biggest shit-eating grin and places the glass onto the table.

Waiter: My most sincere apologies but at this time our chef is unable to prepare your cucumber sandwich and I just used my last doily when I served an English Tea biscuit to the Queen of England sitting at booth #4. However, I took the liberty of placing a fresh slice of cucumber into a glass of our finest purified water. I hope you enjoy it.

Lady: (takes a sip) This is delicious! This is my favorite beverage of all time; it’s so light and refreshing! I’m going to have this from now on at every restaurant I ever eat in and I am also going to encourage every lady I know to do the same thing. Thank you, waiter. Will you please get cucumber slices for everyone else in my party right away??

The waiter mentally stabs himself in his heart because he knows he has just created a cucumber monster who will carry on this ridiculous notion to other waiters across the land.

If someone asks you for cucumber water, JUST SAY NO.

A Comment on Comments; the Messy Children/Parents Suck Edition

A Comment on Comments

A Comment on Comments

Yes, you are seeing two Comment on Comments posts in as many days because there are so many comments that need to be responded to that I cannot restrain myself. You see, I am a giver and when I notice someone who needs to have some sense bitch-slapped into their head, I want to be the one to do it. On Sunday, I posted a picture on the Bitchy Waiter Facebook Page of what a table looked like after some kids left it. The photo was sent to me by a reader who told me it was a group of kids and parents who came into eat after a soccer game. The photo shows a couple of pint glasses that have been stuffed with leftover food. I added the tagline, “If you let your kids do this in a restaurant, then you pretty much suck at parenting.” The photo was “liked” by over 5,500 people, shared by over 1,110 and seen by almost 150,000. It also generated 376 comments. I stand behind the caption and most people agreed with the sentiment. Some people didn’t.



Here are a few of my favorite comments along with my response:

Lindsay says: You shouldn’t hate the kids. They can’t help they are being raised by inconsiderate assholes. Sad part is, they probably have no chance and will grow up to be just like them, being that is all they know. I agree, Lindsay, that I should not hate the kids. The problem is though, that I do. I do hate the kids. A lot.

Amanda says: I will strike a child… While this may seem extreme, at least we know where Amanda stands. I myself would never think it is okay to strike a child. I prefer a more passive approach like giving the child a steak knife or an open bottle of Tabasco sauce and hoping for the best.

Becky says: I bet they aren’t bitching when they are counting their tips. I don’t let me kids do that or act like brats anywhere but I think it’s just as selfish to assume people with kids who don’t act like jerks, should adhere to YOUR needs just because they are kids. Hey, Becky, as long as this page has the word “bitchy” in it, I will keep bitching. The point of the photo is that it shows parents are either unaware of what their children are doing or they don’t care what their children are doing. In my opinion, both of those are indicators of poor parenting.

Stacy says: It takes you zero seconds to dump it all in the garbage. No. Parents don’t suck at parenting for this. They just don’t revere your selfish little bubble. Okay, maybe it doesn’t mean they suck at all parenting, but it does show a lapse in judgment. No one was complaining about how long it takes to clean the mess. The point is it shouldn’t happen in the first place. And it does take more than zero seconds to dump that into the garbage. Zero seconds would be this weird time warp thing that does not exist except in a time/space continumm or the Back to the Future movies.

Joe says: Put yer big girl panties on and do your job. If this is the worst thing to happen in your day be thankful. Don’t like cleaning tables after kids? find a new job. Quityerbitchin and get on with it. I do not wear “big girl panties” because I am a man. I wear big boy underwear, asshole.

Diane says: As a server, why where you not attentive enough to clear there plates before they could do this?!?! First off, the word you are looking for is “their” and not “there.” Second of all, so it’s the server’s fault that this happened? Even if you expect your server to stand at attention behind the table during the whole course of your meal, the supervision of children still falls under the jurisdiction of the parents. And how do you know the server didn’t try to remove the food only to have the parent screech, “Don’t take that! He’s not done yet!”

Kapn says: Suck at parenting? Leave them home? Get the fuck over yourselves. And do your fucking job. Bitchy children, the lot of you. Glad I didn’t follow this page and I just saw it on my feed. Your all a bunch of jokes. Kapn, you clearly have an issue with vowels, because you left off the “e” in “you’re” and your name is weird as fuck.

Roger says: Oh shit food in a glass, what shit parents!! Stow your bitching. Glad you didnt do this while your awesome parents ruled the world and equiped you with the skills you needed to go far as a 30 year old server. Okay, did this asshole just insult my parents? I think he did. The photo didn’t insult anyone in particular and anyone who was offended by it simply saw themselves in it. My parents are awesome and they support me in everything I have ever done. They know I am a writer and actor who waits tables. I own my own apartment in New York City, I travel whenever I want, and have been with the same man for 23 years, so I think they did an excellent job in teaching me how to be a successful adult. And, by the way, I am a 46 year-old server, but thank you for thinking I am 16 years younger than I actually am, you dick.

Lee says: If you are over 20 and bussing tables you shouldn’t be worrying about the paying costumer sucking at parenting because you simply suck at life. Lee, if you are over 20, you should know the difference between a customer and costumer.

Lana says: This is why restaurants need to have activities and crayons for kids to keep them busy and not take a hour to bring food out. Why does the restaurant need to provide that crap? If you’re going to roll that ridiculously gigantic stroller into the restaurant, surely there must be room in it for your own fucking Crayon. If not, then shove it up your twat, Lana. And if the restaurant you are eating in takes over an hour for your food to arrive, I’d find a new place to eat. Either that, or teach your kids what patience is.

Greg says: and then ponder “why should these people care about my.poor life choices?” I.don’t Think. I understand saying.”.”

Gabriela says: Seriously? How hard is it? *take cup poor in bucket* wow. So fucking hard. I’m an ex server and a parent of a messy baby. Fuck you for saying parents suck because their kids are creative. Jeez. Having your child dump pasta into a glass of iced tea at a restaurant is not being creative, it’s being disrespectful. If you want your child to be creative with food, let them do it at your house. Why don’t you just give them a bag of flour and some maple syrup and send them off to your living room to be as creative as they want. Fuck you for saying fuck me for saying parents suck when they clearly suck.

Julie says: The heading is “If you let your kid do this in a restaurant, then you pretty much suck at parenting” That is very true as you have not taught your child respect or manners or the inability to behave in an appropriate manner. If you don’t think this is funny then your parents may be the ones who should be being targeted by this meme. Julie wins the Internet for today.

Thank you all for the comments!