9/11 Cafe Might Be the Worst Restaurant Ever



The big talk in the New York newspapers over the last couple of days has been the opening of the 9/11 Memorial Museum. Ever since that horrible Tuesday so many years ago, the entire event has been mired in controversy. No one is debating that what happened on that crisp September morning wasn’t one of the most awful things to befell our country. It was terrible for everyone, even for those of us who didn’t lose anyone personally. The country as a whole lost something that day that we will never get back, namely the feeling that we are completely safe in our own cities. The latest controversy is that of an 80-seat café that is to be opened at the museum this summer by famed restaurateur Danny Meyer. The families of survivors find it to be in poor taste that not even someplace so hallowed as the 9/11 Memorial Museum can escape the pure commercialization that runs rampant in our society. I agree. A restaurant at the 9/11 Memorial Museum? How fucking crass can it be?

Customer: Hi, I just relived the horror that was September 11th and after being forced to walk through that tacky gift shop I just want to say that I think having a restaurant here is so disrespectful. How dare you!

Waiter: I’m sorry ma’am. I can certainly understand your hesitation to dine here seeing that my section is directly above the final resting place of over a thousand people, but I would suggest you look at our menu. It was created by Danny Meyer and he came up with the Shake Shack, so he really knows what he’s doing.

Customer: I’m not hungry, I’m disgusted. I just spent the last hour and a half crying my eyes out.

Waiter: I am sorry to hear that, ma’am. Maybe you’d like a quick bite to take your mind off the most catastrophic event ever to have happened on our soil. Can I start you off with some Al-Queda Quesadillas or an order of our Twin Towers of Freedom Fries, which are hand-cut by box cutters and served to you in a take home souvenir replica of the first tower. Buy one tower of fries and the next tower is half off.

Customer: That is awful, you should be ashamed of yourself. You make me sick.

Waiter: If that’s not to your liking, might I suggest something to drink? We do have American Airlines Flight 11 different beers on tap. Cold and frosty! Or maybe an Eternal Fountain Soda which gives you unlimited free refills!

Customer: Are you fucking kidding me?

Waiter: If you’re looking for a light bite, we do have Osama Bin Laden Bagels and Bialys. We do ask, though, that you order those at least four months in advance because they are very difficult to find. We also have a bacon, egg and cheese on a Let’s Roll. The hot wings are also quite delicious and served with a sauce so spicy that it can melt steel. And if you like spicy, you will absolutely love our Jumpin’ Jihad Jambalaya.

Customer: I want to talk to a manger right this very minute. These menu items are completely offensive to me.

Waiter: Yes, ma’am, right away, but please allow me to tell you about our Five-Alarm Chili Nachos and our house salad, which is watercress, tomato and cucumber. It’s called the WTC Salad and it’s quite popular with the locals.

Customer: Oh my God, you cannot be serious.

Waiter: Finally, we do have two house-made desserts. The first is a Talibanana Cream Pie and our Cherries Giuliani Jubilee which is, of course, served flambé.

Customer: I am leaving right now. I have never been so offended by a restaurant in my entire life and whoever  thought it was a good idea to have a café in this most sacred of places was sadly mistaken. You people are horrid horrid excuses for human beings.

Waiter: I am sorry that you feel that way. Have a nice day and never forget.

Customer: Fuck you.

Of course no actual menu items have been announced and it’s only been described as “comfort food” and “New York-made draft beers and American wines on tap,” but the whole thing seems a little bit disrespectful. It’s a bad idea, it just is. Sorry, Danny Meyer, I love some of your other restaurants, but this one might be too soon.

18 thoughts on “9/11 Cafe Might Be the Worst Restaurant Ever

  1. monsterlynn

    It’s especially crass considering Windows on the World was in the top of the WTC and many people leapt to their deaths from that restaurant to escape being burned alive.

  2. Geoff Burkman

    Shut down the restaurant. Then visitors can whine about there being nowhere to eat at the Museum. Problem solved, and future BW columns assured!

  3. Tyler

    The whole restaurant idea is horrible enough, but you’re the one that’s actually making jokes about this. You’re a fucked up person too and I hope you get some fucking help you psycho.

  4. Kimberly

    I think if the site were in the middle of nowhere, a restaurant would be fine. People who were coming for the day would need a place to eat. But this is New York City. I’m pretty sure there are a few other restaurants around for people to eat in so this is clearly a just way to make money off of a tragedy. Gross.

  5. BobbyAnn

    The line about dining over the 1,000 souls is ultimately what makes this the most absurd and revolting idea I have ever heard of and it is beyond disappointing.

    There goes any patronage Meyer ever got from me at Shake Shack. Not that it will make a dent, but i wouldn’t be able to forget that restaurant exists.

    And as ridiculous you were trying to make this sound with the made up names of menu items, just a gentle reminder – it will always be too soon to joke about that day, even when you are skewering someone else.

    I still vote for you to go into stand up comedy and I am only sorry I won’t be in NYC for your show. I hope it’s taped and available for [sale] download on the ‘net.


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