The Bitch Turns Five

I'm Five. Hurray.

I’m Five. Hurray.

Once upon a time, there was a little bitchy waiter who worked at a diner on the upper East Side on Third Avenue in New York City. Maybe, it was Second Avenue, he doesn’t remember. He worked there about four days a week with Bill and Lauren and Laura and it was good. They would sip mimosas during brunch and enjoy each other’s company. After each shift, the little waiter who was a bitch would put a frozen margarita into a plastic cup and ride the bus home back to Queens while copping a buzz.

One day, the waiter had a parent in his section who asked him to turn off the television because she didn’t allow her precious bundle of poop, boogers and ill manners to watch TV while they ate dinner. This parent did not care that there were other people watching a football game. She did not care that she was not at home. She did not care that the bitchy waiter did not care.

“I’m sorry, I can’t turn off the TV. It’s always on and there are a lot of people watching this game,” he told her.

The woman accepted his explanation, but when she left she decided to show her dissatisfaction in the form of a crappy tip. The waiter was very upset and went home to write a story about her and place it on the Internet. That night, he started a blog and called it The Bitchy Waiter. That day was December 8, 2008 and that waiter was me, bitches!

Today is the five year anniversary of this blog. When I wrote that first blog post, I sent it to a couple of friends thinking they would get a kick out of it. Well, that simple blog post has grown and grown and now look at where I am: at a different restaurant and still bitching about the same fucking shit that bothered me in 2008 and now dozens of people read this blog instead of four. I have come so far! (No. No, I haven’t…)

I just want to say thank you to everyone who spends any time reading the drivel that spews from my brain. Without you, there would be no blog and without this blog, I would probably have stuck a fork into a baby’s ass by now. This blog is therapeutic for me. That’s not to say, however, that I don’t worry that someday I may lose my cool and actually poke a baby in the ass with a fork. Until that day, please keep reading. I love reading comments so if you want to wish me a congratulations, please do so. You may also tell me any of the following:

  • Get a real job.
  • You’re an asshole.
  • Get over yourself.

Or you can just click the “like” button so I know that someone gives a shit, even if it’s just my mom. Thank you.

21 thoughts on “The Bitch Turns Five

  1. Joey B

    Hey Bitchy ,It’s me Joe’y from VanNuts California .I been busy getting 2 more jobs -I work at Bucca di Beppo (where ppl eat and shit themselves -oh do I have stories Bitchy ….)and I also got a job at this nice dandy Coffee shop oh my gawd it’s nice (normal)Aaaaaaawww Bitchy it’s been so crazy .And everybody wants the A/C off even tho it’s so frikin hot here in Cali .How r they so fuckin cold???I have so many tales and stories for u -we would have to get a gallon of vodka and 3 days off-offfffffffff.Bitchy ….I would get along with u 3 seconds into my shift & prolly do ur sidewerk too .Btw -nice hairdo .I would kill a GM with a steak knife if s)/he said Bad word to u -seriously -fuck tha manager (Who needs a manager -bitch pls ….-we just neede a manager CARD-u kno what I mean)Bitchy -I adore You and the holy ground u stepped on .You have been my salvation for 2.5 yrs ,you are so talented & gave us -the quiet waiters(s) a voice .I hope to meet u in flesh and soul one day -me Joanna Borys here in the freeway of California.Pls if u ever need good stories -I got a bagful :))-Love You D C-really do :)Say hi to ur husband & pop some I dunno ….vodka :))

  2. botbotshanabot

    hey, i have a baby i hope you don’t poke. i also wont ask you to turn of the tv, maybe just for an extra plate, but nonetheless…..kuddo’s for being sarcastic and cynical….and i really do mean that in the best possible way, i enjoy your rants.

  3. Kerry

    Happy Anniversary! I discovered your blog almost 2 years ago & I look forward to it. Todays posting prompted me to go into the archives and read for hours…loooove it..Yes,I literally spent my Sunday afternoon reading old posts, 17 & icey outside, so, what better way to make a depressing day ok. Anyhoo, keep it up as you are totally gifted and its clear so many people love it 🙂

  4. Emma

    Love you BW! Please never change. You are a ridiculously gifted writer with wit and hilarious insights, and you are also extremely bitchy.

    But please go get an education, stop being so ungrateful (we don’t HAVE to tip you know) and my personal favourite: quit bitching and go get a new job if you hate this one so much!

    This Australian cater waiter will love your hair and bitchyness forever!

  5. Corina

    Congrats Bitchy! I think I found your link on Dirty Disher’s site (been a long time now so who knows)..Thanks for a glimpse into the world I left soo long ago. I love you BW! Thanks for entertaining me!

  6. ashleigh

    happy fifth Bitchy! the day I found your blog is the day I fell in love. (I also say that to my bottle of vodka so, you know, whatever.)BITCH ON!

  7. Mark W

    Congratulations, BW! I’m proud to say I’ve been around from the beginning! Here’s to five more and a book 😀

  8. DJ Moore

    Dear Bitchy,

    Happy 5th Anniversary and thank you for starting your blog. While I am no longer in Food Service I can so understand your point. Sadly I have no Kettle One or even Absolut, which means damn I need to re-stock my bar.

    Keep on being you in your wonderful Bitchiness!

  9. jamie

    happy birthday fellow bitch! it’s sunday brunch and I’ve got Bailey’s in my coffee, and I’m raising it to you!

  10. anne marie in philly


    happy anniversary, bitchy cutie! whilst I don’t work in the restaurant industry, you HAVE taught me how to be a better customer.

    and, quite frankly, dumbass human antics are everywhere – entitled mombies, smarmy guys, drunks, pretentious wannabes-and-never-weres.

    keep on writing and I will keep on reading!


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