Men Don’t Make Passes at Men Who Wear Glasses

glasses

glasses

Oh, there was a time when my eyes didn’t fail me. There was a time when I had 20/20 vision and it was as clear as Barbara Walters and Hugh Downs. And then one day I realized that things were a bit blurry and it was not from cocktails. No matter how I squinted, things would not clear up. Reluctantly, I bought a pair of reading glasses and began to wear them , but only on certain occasions, like when I was awake and needed to see something. How did I become a person who needs eyeglasses?

The problem with my glasses was that I only needed them to see things close up, so I was constantly taking them on and off which meant that half the time I didn’t know where they were. I was one step away from putting them on a chain and wearing them around my neck.

“I can rock the Marion the Librarian look, can’t I?” I asked my co-worker.

“Well, you already wear your hair in a bun, so why not go for it?” she told me.

“It’s not a bun. It’s a loose fucking pony tail.”

“It looks like a bun.”

“Fuck you.”

I decided against the chain but I quickly grew to love my cheap glasses that I bought at the dollar store. Despite them being constantly covered in grease, fingerprints and bad life choices, I depended on them. I also lost them all the time because I only needed them part of the time and I was constantly taking them on and off. “Has anyone seen my glasses?” became one of my most often used phrases, right behind “Can I taste the wine again?” and “I think you can cut me now.”

Eventually, it was time to buy glasses that were real; not the dollar store kind. I wanted the fancy transitionary progressive lenses that would let me leave them on all the time, inside and outside. I wanted to become an official four-eyes. I searched and searched until I found the perfect frames that both suited my face and were affordable Like, I loved a pair I saw at one store that were solid wood but for $900, I need to be able to eat it, drink it or live in it for a month. I finally settled on the pair in the above photo; I forget now which place they came from, but now that I am an experienced wearer of the glasses, the next time I will probably do my shopping online at a place like GlassesUSA.com. Buying online lets me drink Cosmos while I shop without having to put it in a thermos or a paper cup. And that’s always a win. And if you have enough Cosmos, their little Try-It Mirror can be really fun.

 

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