Sad Unwanted Child at Booth 16

oh boy...

oh boy…

I can tell that it’s the first night out for this family with their newborn baby. It is wrapped in swaddling clothes with layers upon layers of blankets to keep it warm despite it being about 70° outside. The baby is roughly the size and shape of one of those industrial size cans of ketchup that are such a pain in the ass to open and its face still has that “I just squeezed out of a vagina look.” There is a blue beanie on its head telling me that it must be a boy because new parents are very specific about gender roles. Boys must have blue and girls must have pink. End of story. The baby is in a stroller that is larger than any of the two-tops in the restaurant and it is piled high with every conceivable accoutrement. They look as if they are planning a trip across the country when I know for a fact that they live two blocks from the restaurant. If there happens to be some Baby Wipes emergency in the course of the next forty-five minutes, these people are prepared. I watch as the parents coo and cuddle to the precious marvel that their seed and egg created when I notice movement under the table. There is another child of about five sitting there with his arms crossed. I surmise that this is the big brother and he is feeling neglected. His feelings are accurate. He’s sitting underneath a table alone while his parents ignore him and fawn over the new baby not nine inches away.

“Hello, folks, can I get you anything to drink tonight?” I ask.

“We’re fine for now,” says Mom. “This is our first night out with the new baby and we’re taking it slow. He’s only two weeks old but I was just dying to get out of the house. I’ve been cooped up in there for weeks. He’s sleeping right now so hopefully he’ll keep at it, but you never know, right? He’s a baby! But he’s our baby.”

“I’ll give you some more time.”

Too much information, lady. I just want to know if you want a drink. I don’t give a shit about your baby, your last nine months or how stretched out your baby-maker is. You just let me know when you want a Coke or something. I move to the sidestand to watch them for a signal that they may be ready for something other than the undying love of their newborn child. Meanwhile, the other kid has come out from under the table to sit in a chair. He looks dirty with a snotty nose and messy hair. He could be auditioning for a community theater production of Oliver. He reaches over to touch his little brother’s face and his hand is swatted away by his mother.

“Stop that, your hands are filthy. You were just crawling around on the floor!”

The neglected little boy sulks at his table and the mother fails to realize that the only reason her son was crawling around on the floor was because she had allowed it.

The family eventually decides that they are ready to order. Although I expect them to order a bowl of gruel for Sad Sack Son #1 they instead get him some mac and cheese with French fries.

“The baby doesn’t need anything,” she informs me.

I’m glad she tells me this because I am seconds away from ordering it a well done New York shell steak and a pint of Guinness, on the house of course, in celebration of it escaping from her uterus.

When I set the meal down before the unwanted child, I wait for the opening chords of “Food, Glorious, Food” and look around to see if a gang of street urchins are going to pop out of nowhere for a production number. I am disappointed that instead of a serving of musical theatre, all I get is a side of boob when it’s time for the baby to eat. I politely avert my eyes to offer a tiny bit of privacy, which is more for my comfort than the mother’s since she seems quite at home in Booth 16. Honestly, I wish she would breastfeed everyone in the restaurant because then I wouldn’t have any glasses to bus from the tables.

“Is there anything else I can get for you right now?” I ask. “More napkins? More water? Fresh ground pepper? An invisibility cloak?”

“We’re fine for now. Everybody’s happy. Especially this one. Wow, he’s hungry!”

The parents eat their meal while staring at the baby, the baby eats his meal while staring at a breast and the five year old eats his meal while staring at his future of no longer being the only child. It’s the end of an era, kid. You’re no longer the special one. You’re one of two. Enjoy that mac and cheese while you can and get ready to learn the lyrics to “Where is Love” because your life as you knew it is over.

After everyone has finished eating and they pay the check, they begin preparation for the long journey home around the corner. The breast is packed away with the diapers, blankets, pacifiers and chew toys and they roll the special little angel out the door.

“C’mon,” they yell out to the five year old. “Time to go.”

He dutifully follows behind them and as he walks past me, I am almost certain I hear him humming “It’s a Hard Knock Life.”


The Bitchy Waiter on Facebook.

The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.

87 thoughts on “Sad Unwanted Child at Booth 16

  1. HaHaHaHa

    Picks up phone and dials…

    “Dude, you’re not gonna believe this, but I’m totally sitting in a restaurant and this lady just whipped put her boobs… No, I’m serious- she’s totally just sitting there with her boobs showing…look, I’ll prove it to you…. let me hang up and I’ll totally get this shit on video… this is wild; it’s like she wants everyone to see… well they’re veiny and stuff.. lots of stretch marks… total ewwww!, but she sure looks proud of herself…video is on the way dude”.

  2. that girl

    Look as a woman i dont see breastfeeding in public as a bad thing if done respectably cover yourself because yes it makes me uncomfortable, but more so i dont want to explain to my toddler why your boob is out of your shirt. i determine when my child learns about certain things not the woman that cant cover herself up because she doesnt have a problem with offending someone else.

  3. Wendy

    I always said that working in a restaurant was the best form of birth control ever invented. Now I can add that people being offended by women breastfeeding is the second best. Seriously some of you people on here whining about offended at the sight of breastfeeding and comparing eating to shitting are out of your cotton picking minds.

    Welcome to America folks where you’re right to not be offended is right there in the…um…sorry, it’s nowhere. If you find yourself offended by something that’s non-life threatening then feel free to leave. Or gouge your eyes out. Whatever makes you the happiest and keeps you away from the rest of humanity. No wonder people in Europe think we’re a bunch of uptight religious freaks. Smdh..

  4. Susie Barnes

    Everybody’s commented on the breastfeeding in public issue, so I’m not going there. About the older kid: When I bring a baby gift to a mom who’s had her second or third kid, I also bring gifts for the older children. Not anything fancy, just coloring books etc. Try doing the same kind of thing. Make a big deal about the older brother. Do the stuff you would normally do with the infant, fawning, smiling, goo-gooing but bring the kids drink with a paper umbrella or lemon slice or anything to dress it up. Fold his napkin in a cool way. Make a fuss, talk to THAT kid, make him feel special.

    If you don’t fuss and coo over an infant, they’re not really going to notice. A five year old, they notice. Shame on the parents for that!

  5. russ

    As a manager I understand the frustration,but I also see a disconnect. If you want to maximize your profit potential, you should be interested (if only for the moment) in your guests’ lives, and you should definitely suggest more than “anything to drink” – a Shirley Temple for the 5 year old to attempt to get him some of that attention you ironically state his parents neglected to deliver?

    I get the whole jaded server routine for a few laughs, but it is more than ironic that someone jaded is complaining about someone else jaded with their own child. If you don’t care about your guests,they certainly won’t care about you when it comes time to tip.

  6. The Bitchy Customer

    It’s servers like you that cause me to have no problem stiffing a waiter or waitress on their tip if they convey this type of attitude. You go up to a table with the attitude of “I don’t give a shit about your baby.” Well, I don’t give a shit about your tip. Go get a real job instead of stealing from ACTUAL working taxpayers. Keep racking up your medical bills so I can pay them out of my taxes when you only qualify for Medicaid because you only declare your credit card tips. You bitch about only making $2.13 an hour but don’t complain when you get a tax refund at the end of the year that’s larger than the amount of taxes you paid in throughout the year. Unreported income is STEALING and even more so when the income you lied about qualifies you for government benefits like Medicaid. Then you want to walk around with a “holier than thou” attitude because you have no job skills to speak of and apparently taking food out to your tables is some great achievement.

    1. russ

      That is a lot of assumptions and anger. I have a great deal of servers who work hard and report income.

      I would never “stiff” anyone, that is theft as well. You sound like Mr. Pink from Resevoir Dogs when you look for reasons not to tip.

      In fact, you are one of the reasons they don’t report all earnings and get those big tax returns. They lie to pay for the offset of people who stiff them. Ironically, As long as people have your attitude, you will cause the exact problem you are taking about.

      1. The Bitchy Customer

        Keep in mind this is a comment in regards to the article…

        “They lie to pay for the offset of people who stiff them.”

        Maybe they wouldn’t get stiffed if they didn’t go up to a table with an attitude that reflects how much they “don’t give a shit about your baby.”

        Sounds like a lot of anger for somebody taking orders and running food in order to earn their (largely unreported) income.

        1. Wendy

          Well you’re certainly living up to your name Bitchy Customer. And servers do report their tips, if they don’t they get an unpleasant visit from the I.R.S. and then their restaurant usually does too. Servers are under immense pressure from their bosses to report their tips. The only people who might get more back as a tax return than they paid in are living well below the poverty level.

          You, on the other hand, are just looking for nonexistent reasons to justify your cheap ass. Have the courage of your convictions and announce to your server before they take your order that you’re just looking for a fake reason to stiff them or STFU. Then you’ll see exactly what $2.13 an hour buys you. Jackass.

  7. noxious.sunshine

    What the actual fuck? I’m lolling hard on my lollerskates at all the trolls on here getting their panties in a twist over a woman whipping her boobie out to breastfeed..

    I would absolutely love to see one of you try saying something to me should we meet in public and I’m breastfeeding my child out in the open (thankfully my little girl is 6 and well past breastfeeding age now, but I digress). It wouldn’t end well for you. And chances are, none of you actually have the balls to speak up like that to a complete stranger anyway.

    The fact is, this post isn’t even about public breastfeeding. It’s about Red Headed Step Child being forgotten and taken down a notch ‘cuz there’s a new baby in the picture. Get a clue… Or, you know, go back under your bridge.

    1. Gorgeoushappyavainandamused

      Hahaha!You and others like you are about as intimidating as a cow painted with tiger stripes, and your lowing is bout as effective when you are confronted.I have and will continue to complain about leaking udders in inappropriate places and get results when I do. Outside,away from others, I don’t really care. In a restaurant or on a plane next to me,however, has already resulted in 2 women like you being moved looking as shamed as they deserved to be .It is a health hazard.That is not just an opinion, it is a fact. Any of the many here who don’t want someone’s udder juice expelled near them, feel free to use this tip.Make sure to cite the health hazard angle when you complain. It works! 😀

      1. noxious.sunshine

        Hahaha. You don’t know me or how I roll. I’m not some doormat that gets ashamed or allows themselves to be humiliated in public by fucktards like you. You may have said something to someone before, but.. I’m not them and they’re not me.

        Get off your soap box already. Kthx.

  8. Milliec

    I believe Andrew Gold wrote a song about the 5 year old. I’m kind if surprised by this. Usually the second kid is not so coveted. Hmmmm…

  9. Cathy Williams

    Blah blah blah about boobs….there is a way to do it discreetly. Having said that, Bitchy, I LOVE LOVE LOVE your blogs……good laughter on this one!! Keep up the good work, us long time servers need the daily laughs

  10. Megan

    I’ve raised two kids that were each breastfed until almost 2 years old and I nursed in a restaurant once. One time in four years. And that was because it was at a family get-together that husband and I couldn’t weasel our way out of. Neither of my kids would take a bottle so I do get the need but it’s also easy enough to use a cover so as not to make spectacle of yourself.

    After 6 months babies can eat pureed stuff or really soft finger food. That’s 6 little months where you don’t go to restaurants. If you really must have your restaurant food a lot of places will do carry out orders. It’s actually nicer to get carryout in my opinion because you can eat in the comfort of your own home naked if you so desire.

    If you want the restaurant experience, get a sitter for a couple of hours. Having time just to yourself and/or your partner is a good thing too.

  11. Jason

    I am ALL FOR breastfeeding in public. Whip that milkbag out no matter where you are, the more crowded the better. Hell, pull the other one out too just so I can get a peak at your nips, it’s perfectly natural.

  12. mother of one

    you wanna breastfeed in public? have at it. I can think of way worse things to do in a restaurant. changing a diaper on the table comes to mind. And that child probably is not neglected in the least. Sulking over not being the center of attention maybe, but not neglected. Another wonderful post by the way BW

  13. Rvb

    I’d think one to be more offended of the magazines on the side stands in the grocery line than a fucking baby.

    Hilarious post!

  14. Robert

    Personally I don’t care about breast feeding in public either way. Whip it out, cover it up, use a bottle…it’s all good by me.

    Now if you decide to change your babies diaper on the table next to me on the other hand? You better be prepared for an earful of outrage and one of us is going to be asked to leave the restaurant before it’s over.

  15. Really REALLY

    Wow I read a well written witty story about a family out to dinner, mostly about a neglected older brother. The comments left seem to be in response to subliminal messages that I missed. No mention of disrespectng breastfeeding mothers in BW’s story.
    I feel bad the older child and hope that the hyperawareness of the newborn is temporary since it was the baby’s first outing and the attention to both children evens out soon.
    I love BW ya’ll leave him alone!

  16. anne marie in philly

    poor kid; I became the neglected one after my sister was born (I hated her guts; I was 5 also). so my grandparents more than made up for it cause I was the first grandchild! nyah nyah nyah, sister!

    oh and yeah, cover up mombies; no one wants to see your milk machines.

  17. Annabehl

    I get all the breast feeding comments……it’s a necessary part of life…’s gotta eat…blah, blah, blah! A simple cloth to cover up is not impinging on your rights to do what comes naturally.
    All that aside…….can I give a shout out to the brilliance of bitchy waiter inserting all the “Oliver” and “Annie” references, I am humming up a storm as we speak! Love it!

  18. Lady

    Bitchy, your writing just gets better and better. This one had me loling for sure. Can’t wait for your book!!
    Lots of love from a long-time fan!! 😀 😀 😀

  19. Leisa

    You are awesome! I’ve been waiting tables for 8 years and have always wanted to create a documentary or reality show on the things you are writing about. You are very talented. I hope this reaches more people than just the service industry employees to educate people on restaurant behavior. As for the negative comments on this post, you are not complaining but simply speaking your mind which is why people subscribe to you in the first place. Keep telling your stories the way you see them happen in your mind without these negative comments affecting you. Thank you!

  20. Jackie

    This is a really weak post. Sorry. Usually what you have to say is valid but what exactly about this scenario messed up your shift or your tip? It feels like you wrote this just to be subversive.

    1. witchybaiter

      Shoot, girl. Ever heard of satire? Some people act a little crazy when they have a kid and he’s (gently in my opinion) poking fun at this behavior. Have you not noticed that BW is above all a humorist?

  21. ashley

    I do care about babies. Why are most of the servers on here mostly complaining? I for one love my job, even the assholes. They show me that my life may not be perfect, but at least I’m happy. The fact that the other child was described as neglected, I would have called child services.

  22. Christie Hampton

    This is the reason I cried the closer I got to having my second child. I was so afraid my sweet number one child would feel neglected. It is also why when she got here, I probably over mothered him. He was nearly 5 when she came along, and because of my guilt, I am pretty sure I smothered him. There was not a moment in the day I wasn’t trying to include him in things he gave not one care to. He got to where he’d flee into the woods we lived in to get his own free time. Poor kid!! I am happy to say they are happy, healthy and leading their own lives after my crazy mothering.

  23. Hillary

    Ugh, i hate when women breastfeed in the middle of a crowded restaurant. It’s like they’ve given up all hope of their breasts ever being sexually desirable again. They are merely milk-providers for the spawn; non-breeders may never reach this level of desexualization.

    1. Sandi

      You are an ASS. It’s people like you that make women feel uncomfortable feeding their baby in public. Breasts are for feeding, that is their main purpose. I like breasts as much as the next purpose, but I also believe we should be able to breastfeed in public as there is nothing offensive about it.

      1. Hillary

        Maybe i am an ass. I’m also a woman. I also recognise that providing nourishment for offspring is the function of breasts. I still feel that women who do so in a crowded restaurant are inconsiderate and being a bit obnoxiously self-righteous.

        1. bcmum

          Ya, how DARE that mother allow her child to eat, in a restaurant of all places, where other people are eating. It is so inconsiderate of her to nourish her child. Doesn’t she know that people are desperate to stare at women’s boobs, and a nursing baby makes that difficult? I nominate her for worst mother of the year.

        2. Jenny

          Why is breastfeeding in a restaurant inconsiderate? Don’t you get a bit hungry when you smell food? Do you assume that when a baby smells deliciousness that he or she will not get hungry much like every other person in the world does? Frankly, I find it both intolerable and annoying when prudish moms refuse to whip out their breast and feed their baby when they make the only noise they are able to when they get hungry in a crowded restaurant. Should they allow the kid to both scream and starve to satisfy those that are squeamish about breastfeeding? I can’t fucking stand to wait on a table with screaming kids. It makes me want to punch their mom in the fucking throat for sitting there and allowing that shit!

          1. hillary

            Breast pumps are currently covered by insurance, so there is no reason not to use one when you intend on bringing your child out in public. Breastfeeding is not the ONLY way to feed a child, and I’m not suggesting that babies starve. I’m suggesting if you’re going to bring a newborn to a restaurant, come prepared.

          2. jennifer

            Technically, the infant would not yet recognize the connection between the smell of a restaurant and eating delicious food. That wouldn’t happen until the child has had several experiences of eating while smelling good food.

          3. Lacey

            If you have never used a breast pump then don’t make it something that all breast feeding mothers should do so they can go out in public with their children. I spent three hundred bucks on mine, it wasn’t free and I still would rather bust out a boob and relieve my tits of feeling they are about to burst. Feeding a baby from your boob is about the most prepared way to do it….you have your boob and your baby, what’s the point of packing more shit? Most mothers I’ve waited on that breast feed at the table do bring a nursing cloak. Me on the other hand bare it all, just for people like you…and if someone gets huffy with me they might get squirted in the eye with my milk. It’s no big deal to feed your babies with the tools best suited for the job. It’s perfect temperature, it’s super annoying to have to warm up some one’s pumped milk because they are too embarrassed to flash a tit for a second and get that babe to latch on. If you’ve ever been with a man who has been with a lactating woman then you would know that it’s not de-sexualizing to nurse children. You should pull your head out of your ass and maybe suck a tit your self.

        3. Erin

          I am so tired of hearing women harp on how a breasts main purpose is for feeding a child. How there is nothing wrong with whipping one out in public because it’s just a part of life. An assholes main purpose in life is to pass feces. This too is a normal part of life & there is nothing wrong about it. Doesn’t mean I wanna see someone drop a D in the middle of a public place & it certainly doesn’t make it appropriate.

          1. annon

            Shitting and eating take place in two very different rooms and the comparison is idiotic

          2. Erin

            Exactly my point. They take place in separate rooms, as should be the case with breastfeeding & public dining.

          3. Jessica

            This is by far the best comment i have ever read. Thank you Erin for the laugh! I couldn’t agree more!

          4. sparkle.burnout

            Bless you Erin, for having the guts to say what I’ve always wanted to say about the public boobs thing. And yes, I’m a woman, and a feminist.

          5. Allison

            For some reason I think breastfeeding is disgusting. If you gotta do it, at least make sure you’re covered up.

        4. Linzi

          I’m with you Hilary. Also, a simply muslin cloth draped over the shoulder covers everything up so nobody has to feel uncomfortable, neither the mother, the staff, nor other diners. (And on that point, how can you be sure that you’re not offending someone’s religious or moral sensibilities on baring flesh in public regardless of your own position on breastfeeding?)

          1. annon

            When a woman is breastfeeding you see very little of the actual breast. I’ve seen just as much & more when someone wears a lowcut top, or a halter, or a bathing suit, or on TV, or in a magazine, or on the halftime show of the super bowl, or 3 different billboards that I drive past every day. This argument is ridiculous and ignorant

        5. Ash

          And a lot of people think that you’re obnoxious and self-righteous, so I guess now we’re all even, kid.

      2. we$lie

        Really? No one is attacking breast feeding, they’re saying it’s RUDE to whip your boob out in a public place and let your baby start sucking on it. Go to the bathroom, go to a closed room, cover up for god’s sake but don’t subject my eyes to that picture.

        1. Jenny

          Do you eat in the bathroom? Why should a kid who is so new to the world that he or she is at constant risk of germs eating them alive do so? If it makes you that uncomfortable divert your eyes.

          1. we$lie

            How about you use a pump and bring a bottle instead? Or if you’re that worried about your kid getting germs, don’t take them to a restaurant at 2 weeks old in the first place!

          2. GORE


        2. Hunter

          It’s not the breastfeeding in public that makes people uncomfortable, it’s the whipping out a bare tit that makes people uncomfortable. I had a lady today that breastfed her kid but kept it covered up. What is wrong with that? Forcing moms to nurse in a bathroom is wrong, but use your common sense and use some consideration and modesty while feeding your baby from the breast in public.

      3. sally

        Sandi, fyi, a lot of people are offended by breastfeeding in restaurants. Hell, I’m offended by people who just BRING infants to restaurants.
        Just know, that when you whip your tit out in a restaurant you ARE offending people. If you’re ok with that, whatever, but I think it’s obnoxious and a lot of other people do too.

        1. Beebs

          This is my opinion too (and I’m a woman). A woman whipping out her boob in a public place (or anywhere in front of me really; I don’t know why) just makes me uncomfortable; incidentally, my discomfort is alleviated to a large degree when there’s a blanket draped over the woman’s torso. That being said, I don’t actually expect breastfeeding mothers to take my opinion into account and change their behaviour; they can do whatever the hell they please. But just as they have the right to ignore my discomfort, I have the right to feel and express that discomfort so long as it’s not hurting anyone.

      4. Amaryllis

        Well they should feel uncomfortalbe doing that in public. It’s disgusting to open up your shirt in a restaurant!

    2. Rebecca Cowan-Thompson

      I’m with you 100%. I am a mom, i know a baby has to eat, and breastfeeding is recommended. However our leaps in technology over the last century has been phenomenal. Why has no one filled her in, its called a. Breast pump. Baby get fed, your server can still look you in the eye, everyones happy.

      1. annon

        Yeah, because each day that we all leave the house the most important thing to think about is whether or not we are going to offend someone. We all should be paralyzed with the fear of perhaps our actions or clothes or something could possibly maybe perhaps might offend someone somewhere sometime! It’s exactly what we all should worry about every minute of every hour of every day. And definitely teach our children this neurosis too!

        1. MrsMac

          Actually, yes. You should consider other peoples feelings every time you leave the house. It is called being considerate and thoughtful, and is necessary if you plan on being a productive part of society. Failing to give a crap if your actions and words offend others in your community is considered selfish and antisocial behaviour. Sociopathic, some would say. I definitely think we need to teach our children empathy and social etiquette to AVOID creating self-important, self-serving, neurotic little shits.

    3. sally

      I’m with you Hillary.

      Women who openly breastfeed in restaurants are obnoxious. Ick. Yuck. Go home or buy a blanket.

      1. annon

        Exactly. They should! How could anyone be so selfish as to not ask you how they should behave so that they wouldn’t offend your sensitive nature? Each person you come into contact with every day should ask you exactly what you think their actions should be while in your presence! Silly that people don’t realize that, isn’t it?!?!

        1. sally

          It’s not “silly” to recognize that people might not want to look at your naked breasts while they are eating. I mean, what is so difficult about covering up? Why is it so offensive to some women that other people are uncomfortable around breastfeeding? It just really seems exhibitionistic and rude to expect strangers to accept your nakedness at the dinner table.

        1. Jessica

          I know LOTS of babies that eat just fine under the blanket.. with their eyes closed. That is by far the silliest excuse I’ve ever heard.

  24. John

    I don’t mind newborns…they’re still relatively clean while at the table. And I don’t mind feigning interest in the sex/age/whatever of the newborn-it usually helps with the tip. It’s the ignoring the other child/ren that bugs me. That’s when this “Guncle” wants to step up and give them a piece of my mind, but I don’t because I value my job…

    1. Trevor

      If you don’t care about them why should they care about you? I see myself in this post sometimes as the server and realize how egocentric us servers can be at times. Yes we have hard jobs but we are not saving the world. Our parents took us out at times when we were young and I really hope they had genuine people serve them not like some on this website.

      1. Maya

        Trevor, I work with a lot of women who have neither have children nor want any. Every day they moan and bitch about some child they nearly stumbled over trying to put plates down, or had to yell over while trying to take their parents’ order. I’ve been in the business 15 years, and have never seen anything like it. Yet, to see the same women at their respective tables, you’d think they were super nannies. To top it off, the restaurant in which I work is consistently rated, BY CUSTOMERS, one of the best places in town to take children. My point is that people need an outlet – even servers. Instead of chastising respondents for locating a place to share, network, and properly vent their frustrations, you should thank them for actively locating such a place rather than taking it out on poor unsuspecting children (like some parents).


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *