Get That Shit Outta My Way

Speaking of things getting in your way, what is it with people who bring impossibly awkward items into a restaurant and then demanding that we find a place to put it while they eat? Just because someone decided to organize their life and go hog wild at The Container store does not mean that I have to store your huge plastic boxes for you while you eat in my station. “Table for two, and do you have someplace I can put this?” as they hand me bags and bags of crap from Macy’s. It’s New York City you know, so they can’t just leave that shit in the trunk of their car. It’s amazing what people will drag into a restaurant.

A few years ago when those Razor scooters were all the rage, one set of parents thought it was okay that their kid ride one into the restaurant. Seriously? Does this look like a fucking park? Leave that shit at home. Of course they sat at a booth and then left the damn thing sticking out so we had to walk around it every time we passed their table on a a busy Saturday brunch. After about the 525,600th time I had avoided it, I decided they needed to know that the scooter was in the way in a big way. I was going to intentionally trip over it. After years of stage combat classes and learning how to do pratfalls and physical comedy, I figured that knowledge should be put to use. I told my friend Bill to watch me as I headed towards the booth. Timed perfectly, my right foot “accidentally” caught the back end of the scooter and I fell to the floor all dramatic and shit making the scooter fall over as well and make a loud crashing sound. As I hit the ground, I looked at Bill who was standing behind the bar. He bent down behind it to conceal his laughter. “Oh my goodness, “I said loudly as I brushed myself off. “That scooter is in the way a bit, huh?” The entire restaurant was quiet at this point and every diner looked at the family and silently judged the parents who let their kid bring a fucking scooter into the restaurant in the first place. Immediately, the dad apologized to me and then reprimanded the kid for leaving the scooter in the aisle. The kid felt like shit. The parents were mortified. Bill was laughing. And because I am professional faller downer, I was fine. That table left me a huge tip. Falling down totally made my day that Saturday. So much fun. The big tip was just the icing on the cake.

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14 thoughts on “Get That Shit Outta My Way

  1. -Diane F.

    You are a god!!! Not The God, of course, cause I don't wanna lose my ass to a bolt of lightening, but some kind of deity. I will sacrifice a Mexican Martini to your alter.

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  3. The Ranter

    Good for you! I've never been a server, but I've seen waiters and waitresses who have had a hard time with some clients. We are such bitches, aren't we?

  4. Kim Haasarud

    OMG – I can SOOOOOO see and hear you doing that!!! That's hysterical!!!!! Did you act like you were kind of hurt too? And walk with limp afterwards? I've never been guilty of doing that in a restaurant, but I have done it on the airplane. I was flying home for Christmas one year and had bought my little brother one of those 5-foot candy canes filled with hershey's kisses. Too delicate to check-in, and too big to put in the overhead bins or under the seat. At first the airline attendant was really nice and kind of laughing at how big it was, how much my brother was going to like it, blah, blah, blah. But, after 5 trips back and forth down the aisle looking for a place to put it, she was getting really pissed. Finally, before take-off, she got so frustrated on where she was going to put it, she threw it in the bathroom and slammed it shut. Nice. Thanks for putting my little brothers edible gift next to the shitter.

  5. Waiting

    I do this all the time. Sometimes I even have my co-workers trip over stuff so that I can be the one to witness it and laugh. Las Vegas is like New York because not all visitors rent a car, meaning they lug around 10 shopping bags to each new casino they visit. The major difference is the number of people who carry their luggage into restaurants. Every single hotel has a bellman but people are either too cheap to tip $3 or are afraid the bellman is going to secretly try on their granny panties.Another thing that I have witnessed here and no other place is the number of scantily dressed drunk women who take their dirty, stinky shoes off and toss them casually into the walkway. Often, I "accidently" kick them under the table when the offending party isn't looking. It really confuses people when they get up to leave and can't find their shoes. Once a girl gave up on looking for them and just left without them.

  6. Mark W

    Oh, BW, I can totally see you doing that! LOVE IT! I haven't done that, but I did have a table with a kid who kept getting up and running around more than the usual bratty kid does. Jumping out of hidden spaces and shouting BOO at the servers and runners.When he jumped out from under the table at me, I'd had enough. I looked at the parents and then at the kid, and I said "Hey kid, sit down and act like a grown up ok? The last time someone tried to scare us, one of the food carriers dropped boiling coffee on the kid and he had to go to the hospital. You don't want your mom and dad to spend a thousand dollars to get new skin on your face, do you?"Of course, they complained, and since our manager was awesome, he told them I was absolutely right, and that the restaurant wasn't at fault if a runner accidentally dropped a sizzling fajita skillet on their kid.They left.Win/Win


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