Dear Bitchy Waiter

Time for another installment of Dear Bitchy. I dug into the mailbag and found this question that perhaps I can shed some light on. You can email me here if you have a question that needs attention. Or you can just say hello. That’s nice too.

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

Not too long ago I arranged for a dinner at a local restaurant because my brother and his fiancee were moving to California. It was very small and just a group of friends, no family. Two of our good friends are sisters and they brought a friend (table of 6 now). When our friends arrived they ordered drinks and were carded. They made a big ordeal, and it was their fault. They left their IDs at home. It was very embarrassing to the other people at the table. They kept on and on, and were verbally harassing the waiter and manager (who both spoke little English). I love hanging out with them, but they act like crap sometimes. One is also positive that if a restaurant expected her to provide the server with a “tip” than they should have put it in the price of the plate.
Help! How can I eat with my friends who are tacky non-tippers.
PS- The evening the 6 of us were eating, I picked up the tab and tipped got the hell out of there. Oddly, they all stayed and just ordered at the bar of the restaurant the rest of the night.



Dear Rachel,

First off, let me applaud you for letting these two sister friends remain a part of your life because clearly they are annoying, needy, cheap and totally lame-o. I want to know why the two of them thought it was alright to bring along a friend of theirs to this farewell dinner for your brother. Did this third wheel know your brother or did she just sniff out a free meal and tagged along because she was tired of eating Alpo and Top Ramen in her efficiency basement apartment? I vote for the latter. Your two friends shouldn’t have brought her along. That is the first thing wrong with the situation, but they did so what can you do? And then they complained that they were carded and they didn’t have their ID’s? Super annoying, but don’t be embarrassed. The server wasn’t annoyed with you, trust me. As for the sister who thinks a tip should be added to the price of the food, I call bullshit. She would be the first one to complain that her corn dog platter with tater tots cost too much money. That’s just an excuse she uses to justify her evil penny-pinching, cheap-ass-whore ways.

The solution is simple. Do not eat out with these people ever again unless you are comfortable dining at Burger King, White Castle, Wendy’s, Taco Bell or KFC. If you love hanging out with them in certain situations, do it only then. I assume you are referring to the times you go to the discount movie theater or the Dollar Store, right? Or maybe the BOGO sale at Payless? And I bet they always want you to drive because they don’t want to use their gas and when you go to their house they never turn on the A/C because it’s “bad for the environment” which is code for “I’m too cheap to pay the electricity bill.” It shouldn’t be too hard to exclude them from dining out with you. The next time you see them at their weekly garage sale or bi-monthly Tupperware party and they ask why it’s been so long since you’ve all gone to dinner together, you can say this: “I’ve just been trying to eat at home more often in order to save a little money. Surely your cheap ass can understand that, right, bitch?” No harm done.

On behalf of your server that night, thank you for picking up the tab. If those tight skanks sat at the bar for the rest of the night and didn’t tip, I’m sure they will not be welcomed the next time they drag their carcasses in. By the way, if they didn’t have their ID’s, how did they manage to get served? Lemme guess…blow jobs, right?


The Bitchy Waiter

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