New Year’s Resolutions AKA “Empty Promises”

yeah, yeah, yeah...

yeah, yeah, yeah…

So far, 2014 has been about aspirin, bananas and my couch. Someone once told me that the potassium in a banana will help a hangover. I don’t know if it’s true, but at the very least, I’ve already had four fruit servings in 2014 which is three more than I had in all of December. This is the time of year that people take stock and decide what it is we are going to do differently in the next year that will make us happier and more fulfilled. Some people call them resolutions but I like to call them empty promises.  Since 2014 is already 1/365th over, I better put on some clothes and make some goals.

My 2014 Empty Promise List:

  • I will no longer automatically hate a child as soon as it sits in my section. I will give it the opportunity to prove that it is not a pain in the ass but as soon as it dumps a sugar caddy onto the table or it gives me the side-eye, I’m back to hating it.
  • I will stop drinking Chardonnay at work. It is unprofessional and I don’t want to get caught and lose my job. Drinking Chardonnay is something that should be done when I am a patron at a restaurant and not working at one. The place to drink Chardonnay is at home, at a friend’s house, at brunch, on the Q32 bus or in bed; not at work. From now on, at work I will drink vodka on the rocks.
  • I shall eat healthier. No more bowls of nuts at the club or macaroni and cheese at the restaurant. Or bread and butter. Or Cokes. Or errant french fries. Or leftover two-day old desserts that are going to be thrown out at the end of the shift. Or whipped cream straight from the can in the walk-in.
  • I am going to be grateful for every tip I receive. Even when that old lady named Naomi comes in to the restaurant and asks me the same five questions every week and sends shit back and asks me to wrap up one bite of green beans and then leaves me $1.00, I am going to be thankful for it. I am going to take that dollar bill to the deli across the street and buy a lottery ticket with it and if I ever win the Mega Millions, I will tell Naomi she can shove that last green bean up her old dry vag. And I will say, “Thank you for the dollar.”
  • I will mop the floor like I am supposed to. I won’t just pour water on the floor with a pitcher and then drag the mop across it. I will actually fill the bucket with Murphy’s Oil and go over the whole restaurant floor with the mop. That is, unless the manager is downstairs and can’t see what I am doing in which case I will pour water on the floor with a pitcher and drag the mop across it.
  • I won’t keep thinking every two minutes about quitting my job. Sometimes at work, the only think that gets me through the shift is imagining walking up to my boss and screaming in his face, “I QUIT!” I realize that this negative thinking could be affecting my overall attitude at work. Maybe it’s more responsible of me to simply accept that this is my job and if I don’t like it, I have to make something happen. Just thinking about doing something isn’t going to create change. The next time, the thought of quitting pops into my head, I will force it out and think of something positive like, ‘Thank God I switched from Chardonnay to vodka on the rocks.”
  • I will save more money. There was some image floating around on the internet that showed you how to save money throughout the year. The first week you put away one dollar, the next week you put away two dollars, the third week you put away three dollars, etc. By the end of the year you have $1378 which is just enough for me to spend on booze for my next New Year’s Eve party.
  • I am going to continue to bitch on this blog. Writing these words every few days and knowing that a few people read them makes me happy. Waiting tables is part of my life and now blogging about it has become part of my life as well. If people tell me to stop complaining and get a real job, I will explain to them that I already have a real job. Being The Bitchy Waiter is my job and it’s one that I am proud of.

Happy New Year, bitches. What about you? Do you have any “Empty Promises” for 2014? Please write yours in the comment section below. I’d love to see what you’re going to fail at over the next twelve months.


  1. heather feathers
  2. Miss Merlot
  3. jes
  4. Debbie Morella-Haynes

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