The Truth About Fajitas

There is a dirty secret about Mexican food in the restaurant industry and I want to share it with you right now. It isn’t that the guacamole is very often frozen in big gigantic bags that get thawed out in a sink of hot water (I’m looking at you, Houlihan’s.) It isn’t that the “authentic Crema agria” that is topped on the enchiladas is the same old tired ass Sysco sour cream that goes on the baked potato. And it isn’t that the Mexican workers in the kitchen are all undocumented. It’s about fajitas.

You know that big cast iron skillet that comes to the table overflowing with carne and pollo and vegetables and it’s always screaming with sizzle and steaming with style? It’s fake. Those fajitas are not cooked on that skillet. Those skillets are stored under the burner so they get good and hot. The meat and the veggies are all cooked whenever and then just sit under the heat lamp until the rest of the order is ready to go. When it is time, they put the fajitas on the hot skillet which is then placed on some old funky woven straw basket bullshit or a piece of wood. And then right before they go out, someone picks up a squeeze bottle of oil or water and they jizz all over the skillet. Abracadabra: steam. And then when it gets to the table, it looks like the meat was actually cooked on this authentic Mexican fajita skillet. Customers are always so impressed.

customer: Oh my God, would ya look at that plate of fa-jee-tas? It looks so durn good.
waiter: Yeah, be careful, it’s hot.
customer: Ethyl, listen to that sizzle. You can tell by the sizzle that these are gonna be good.
waiter: Yeah, be careful, it’s hot.
customer: I betcha they have a little old Mexican lady back there makin’ these just like she did in her village in old Mexico. My Lordy, I cain’t wait to eat these. My glasses are all steamed up! Ethyl, did ya’ see that? My glasses got all steamed up from my authentic Mexican fa-jee-tas? That is amazin’. (He reaches towards the skillet) OUCH! Oh, Lordy, I burnt my hand on this authentic fa-jee-ta skillet. Gosh durnit that stings.
waiter: Yeah, be careful, it’s hot.
customer: Can I get some extra tor-till-as?
waiter: Yes sir, I will ask Rosarita to please make you a few more as soon as she gets back from walking the burro.
customer: Grass-i-ass. I love fa-jee-tas.

And now you know the truth.

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