Hostess with the Mostess

We all know what a restaurant hostess is, don’t we? A hostess is the girl at a restaurant who will greet a customer and then take them to their table and hand them a menu. They are there for a reason. For some who work at the restaurant, the hostess serves other purposes. Sometimes they are fun to pick on, yell at, take out your hostility on and in some cases they are good for oral sex in the parking lot after closing. Or maybe that was just this one hostess I knew who may or may not have worked at the Bennigan’s on FM 1960 in Humble, Texas during the early 90’s. (Shout out to Carol. Holla!) I digress. They are there for a reason. They know which server gets the next table to insure proper rotation of customers for each waiter. They also know to not put someone in a station if that server is too busy to properly accommodate the needs of the guest. Or whatever.

Nevertheless, customers will continually ignore the hostess and plop their fat asses wherever the fuck they want to. They all want to sit by the window or the booth or away from the kitchen or the bathroom. Someday, I want to design a fucking restaurant where every table is a booth next to a goddamn window. It makes me nuts when people seat themselves. If the table is dirty, don’t sit there. It’s dirty because someone didn’t have time to clean it so why do you think we will suddenly have time to clean just because you slid your pot belly ass all up in there? It certainly does not make me hurry. I will usually ignore them completely until they flag me down to complain that their table is dirty. I always say some bullshit like “Oh I didn’t realize you were a new table. I thought these were your dishes and you were getting ready to leave. I am so sorry. Did the hostess seat you here at a dirty table? That’s it for her. I am going to tell the manager on her. They need to fire her.”

And don’t even get me started on people who seat themselves on the patio right under the big sign that says “see hostess inside before seating.” Idiots. All of them. Please utilize the skills of the restaurant hostess. And no, I am not referring to the oral sex skills that she will be demonstrating on the manager after two shots of a lemon drop and a free order of nachos.


7 thoughts on “Hostess with the Mostess

  1. Karma Girl

    I prefer eating at a place that has a hostess as opposed to the seat yourself establishments. I always worry I’m sitting in the worst possible spot otherwise. Glad to know there is some justification to this theory.

  2. Lyndsay

    this post is so charming and wonderful to read before i leave for my 9 hour work shift as a hostess. these are the problems i face daily and it gives me a fucking headache! the whole seating yourself thing happens all the time with foreigners at my place. the other night we had a huge table seat themselves outside and they began to rearrange our setup to accomodate their party. i ran outside thinking to myself "Damn foreigners!" but when i got to the table…EVERYONE SPOKE CLEAR ENGLISH AND WAS FROM AMERICA. I was shocked. The sign outside says to "see hostess inside for outside seating" …pitiful creatures. i cant standdddd city folk sometimes.

  3. Masquerade

    Bahaha. That's got to be my biggest pet peeve. Love you for it :POne night I had a table come in."Do we seat ourselves?""No, but I'll be right with you!""Great!" (as they start walking down the hallway toward a table.)I think I just stood there and stared at them.

  4. purplegirl

    I always try to make them feel like assholes–"OH, the hostess didn't give you menus! Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! I can't imagine how she forgot! ….. Oh, you sat yourselves? Oh."


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