We all know what a restaurant hostess is, don’t we? A hostess is the girl at a restaurant who will greet a customer and then take them to their table and hand them a menu. They are there for a reason. For some who work at the restaurant, the hostess serves other purposes. Sometimes they are fun to pick on, yell at, take out your hostility on and in some cases they are good for oral sex in the parking lot after closing. Or maybe that was just this one hostess I knew who may or may not have worked at the Bennigan’s on FM 1960 in Humble, Texas during the early 90’s. (Shout out to Carol. Holla!) I digress. They are there for a reason. They know which server gets the next table to insure proper rotation of customers for each waiter. They also know to not put someone in a station if that server is too busy to properly accommodate the needs of the guest. Or whatever.
Nevertheless, customers will continually ignore the hostess and plop their fat asses wherever the fuck they want to. They all want to sit by the window or the booth or away from the kitchen or the bathroom. Someday, I want to design a fucking restaurant where every table is a booth next to a goddamn window. It makes me nuts when people seat themselves. If the table is dirty, don’t sit there. It’s dirty because someone didn’t have time to clean it so why do you think we will suddenly have time to clean just because you slid your pot belly ass all up in there? It certainly does not make me hurry. I will usually ignore them completely until they flag me down to complain that their table is dirty. I always say some bullshit like “Oh I didn’t realize you were a new table. I thought these were your dishes and you were getting ready to leave. I am so sorry. Did the hostess seat you here at a dirty table? That’s it for her. I am going to tell the manager on her. They need to fire her.”
And don’t even get me started on people who seat themselves on the patio right under the big sign that says “see hostess inside before seating.” Idiots. All of them. Please utilize the skills of the restaurant hostess. And no, I am not referring to the oral sex skills that she will be demonstrating on the manager after two shots of a lemon drop and a free order of nachos.