Anthony Bourdain Has the Best Quote Ever

Anthony Bourdain has made a lot of wonderful comments over the years and most of the things he says are dipped in sarcasm, rolled in truth, fried in extra virgin olive bitch and sprinkled with curmudgeon. Basically, he says what everyone thinks but don’t have the balls to say it out out loud. (Sound familiar? One of the reviews for my book said Bitchy Waiter “does for wait staff what Anthony Bourdain did for kitchens: he exposes the ugly side of food service from the perspective of those working on the front lines. And he puts the potential restaurant customer on notice that someone is watching and recording their bad behavior.”)

Some of my favorite things he has said are as follows:

    • “[Rachael Ray] is selling us satisfaction, the smug reassurance that mediocrity is quite enough. She’s a friendly, familiar face who tells us that ‘Even your dumb, lazy ass can cook this.’” AskMen.com Ouch!
    • “So you’re talking someone that’s as stupid and talentless and messed up as Britney Spears cooking? Hasn’t it happened already? I think we have a pretty good idea what that creature would look like if that happened. It would be called ‘Semi-Homemade,’ and she has a show on Food Network already.” GrubStreet.com Burn!
    • “I don’t dislike Guy Fieri, I realized, after many viewings of his cooking shows, much soul-searching at my personal ashram and many doses of prescription hypnotics. I just dislike — really dislike — the idea that somebody would put Texas-style barbecue inside a fucking nori roll.” GrubStreet.com Boom!

Is it any wonder that I place this man on a pedestal that is further out of reach than me ever working in fine dining? Imagine my delight when I saw a meme this week with yet another wonderful quote from Mr. Bourdain. I have not been able to verify that it is an actual quote, but I am going to choose to believe that it is real. After all, if it’s on a meme, it must be true, right?

“If you’re a cheap tipper or rude to your server, you are dead to me. You are lower than whale feces.”

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Oh, Anthony Bourdain. You keep on being you and I will keep on being me and maybe one day, we will find ourselves at the same bar, both of us slamming back the booze, judging shitty customers and overtipping our server. I can dream, can’t I?

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