Pitch a tent, asswipe

In the restaurant world, there is something known as a camper. This is someone who stays at their table way too long and then keeps new customers from sitting there instead and effectively decreasing my turnover/tips. I hate campers. They suck. There is one that comes into the restaurant and we call him Coach. He comes in every brunch and wears those short polyester gym shorts that are of a primary color. Bright blue of red. He wears a tight fitting tee, a baseball cap and comes armed with his earphones and the New York Times. No one ever wants to serve his ass because he sits at a four top, orders one thing, drinks about a dozen cups of coffee for an hour and a half and then leaves $2.00. He does not get it. If four people sat there and each ordered an entree and a mimosa and then left and then four more people came in and did the same thing, I could make ten or fifteen times what he leaves for a tip. God, I hate him. We changed or menu about a hundred years ago too and every fucking time he asks if we still have oatmeal. No, we do not have the oatmeal anymore. Pull the fucking earphones off your head and listen to me, meathead.

Campers suck. If you are ever in a crowded restaurant and you are finished eating and have paid your check, then leave. Go to a bench in the park or Barnes and Nobel or a bar or better yet HOME if you want to sit and chat with your friends. I am done serving you and will not refill your water or coffee. I will not make eye contact. I will shoot daggers at you and curse you and your unborn ugly children. Get out of my station. Roll up your sleeping bag, put out your fire, break down your pup tent, and get your camping ass out of my restaurant.


I wait tables and bitch about it on my blog, The Bitchy Waiter.

12 thoughts on “Pitch a tent, asswipe

  1. At my restaurant, we had a part of 6 (taking up two tables) sit for 4 hours- from 4pm-8pm. They sat all throughout our peak hours where we were on a wait- and the best part is, the only thing they ordered was water. And then they asked for Biscuits. and they sat for four hours. Talking over water and biscuits.

  2. A rant about end-of-the-night-campers: Friday night I had a group of 3 come in around 9:45 (the kitchen closes at 11) and inform me that someone else will be joining them later, but "not to eat." Red Flag. They finished around 10:50, and after five minutes or so, TWO people show up to cram around their 4 top and block the aisle. Red Flag #2. I hear one of the girls squeal, "I haven't seen you in sooo long!" Red Flag #3. They each order ONE beer, and proceed to nurse them for over 2 fucking hours. Meanwhile, my section (and the entire 2nd floor on which they were sitting) was completely empty and reset by 11:30. I was sitting there, with literally nothing left to do but wait for them, in plain view, the ONLY other person in the dining room. At one point they asked me, so kindly, if I had to stay just for them, and should they relocate to the bar. I mustered my best cheerful voice and replied (through gritted teeth), "yes I will be here till you finish, but it's my job and I want you all to have a nice time. Of course you're welcome to move to the bar if you'd like." Now, if you feel like you're ruining your server's life by sitting there hours after everyone else is gone, you are, SO PAY YOUR CHECK AND GET THE FUCK UP. For chrissakes, don't keep me, the bussers (who aren't allowed to leave til the dining room is empty), AND the bartender (they didn't even get another drink) here TWO HOURS after the kitchen closes! Sit at the goddamn bar or go somewhere else!! And though I suffered there for an hour and a half FOR FREE(and missed my chance to make last call somewhere) AND called them a cab, they only left me 15%. MOTHER FUCKERS.

  3. On a busy Saturday night, I had two woman in their 20s camp out. I offered them back their 6$/13% tip if they would leave. I then motioned to the full lobby. They didn't take the money, but they did leave. That was fun.

  4. We have a regular who comes in and orders a pepsi and a small salad. He sits for the WHOLE night and tries to talk to all of the waitresses. He always leaves either a $10 or sometimes a $20 depending on how much time you spent talking to him. He doesn't understand either. We have a perfectly good bar but he always sits in a 4 top or a booth that seats 6-7 people. That $10 (potentially $20) doesn't even come close to what I could make in my 4-7 HOUR shift on that table alone. On a busy weekend night, we'll have 4-5 tables per section, so he's sucking out ONE FOURTH of a poor girls income. He doesn't try to sit with me anymore. :o)

  5. I needed to camp the other day due to jury duty. I told the waitress I would watch her section ( I was there early), and when she got busy I would leave. She said "don't worry about it, I have 5 more tables. I left when it got too busy and left her $10 on a $17 buck lunch tab. I think she loves me.

  6. Aahhh. We have those at my place all the time in the little pizzeria I work at. After they sit there for fifteen minutes, everyone in the kitchen amuses themselves by flinging pepperoni at the backs of their heads.

  7. We had some lovely ladies come in last night and sit for at least three hours, possibly longer. They had one soda and one tea. They didn't leave until fifteen minutes after closing. Why do people think that's okay?

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