There’s a Special Place in Hell For Some Restaurant Customers

There is a special place in hell for customers who come into the restaurant moments before closing time. Especially the ones who know that it closes at 10:00 and show up at 9:58, all out of breath because they sprinted just so they could squeak in right before the doors are locked for the evening. And when they do it, they always look so smug and proud of themselves like they are expecting a goddamn participation trophy for showing up. “Whew, we just made it,” they always say, solidifying the fact that they have no care or concern about those of us who will now have to stay at work and wait on their sorry asses. That place in hell is even more special for the people who do it when the restaurant is completely empty, therefore keeping an entire staff solely for them. These are the people who think the world revolves around them and who only care about their own needs. Now, before someone jumps down my throat about closing times and how restaurants should just have different times for last seatings and for the kitchen closing, let me say this: bite me. This is my blog and I can bitch about what I want and how I want. 

This happens to all of us and you know what we do when it happens? We deal with it. We slap that fake ass grin onto our faces and pray that they aren’t going to order the roasted chicken or something else that will take more than twenty minutes to prepare. We visualize that they don’t want appetizers or desserts and we hope to god they don’t want any fucking coffee because that shit got dumped fifteen minutes ago. And we cannot be held responsible for how we feel if they order a cappuccino. But still, we deal with it. We can complain about it to our coworker, bitch about it to the kitchen, fart all around their table and write a blog post about them, but it’s our job to serve them even when they show up right before closing time. But these customers will have a special place in hell when they show up there and the devil will be so excited to seat them.

Satan: Welcome to hell! Are you one of the people who showed up to restaurants right before closing time?

Karen: Well, that happened once, but it was an accident.

Satan: Lies! I saw you that time, Karen. You ran a red light and then took up two parking spaces because you didn’t think you had time to park like a regular human being. Then you raced to the front door of Chili’s at 9:57 knowing you only had three minutes to get your fat foot into the door.

Karen: You saw that?

Satan: I see everything, Karen! I also know about all the times you peeled off the organic stickers from the avocados at Whole Foods and then replaced them with the stickers from the non-organic avocados. 

Karen: But avocado toast gets so expensive!

Satan: I have a special place for you here in hell and you’re gonna love it. It’s right back there by the toilets and underneath the ceiling fan. You’ll be at a two-top but you’ll be seated with 49 other people. The toilet is literally part of the table and the wi-fi password is THERE-IS-NO-WIFI-IN-HELL. Your waitress will be Ava Braun who has a mad case of diarrhea and will be using you table-toilet with much frequency.

Karen: There are ceiling fans here in hell? Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.

Satan: Bitch, the ceiling fans in hell don’t blow air, they blow fire so say goodbye to those wonky ass eyebrows and put on some fucking sunscreen. Enjoy your stay.

Karen: By the way, I’m gluten free.

Satan: I know. That’s why your waitress will be force-feeding you a gluten smoothie as soon as she’s done taking a dump. Bye, girl.

Customers, if you’re going to stay in a restaurant after it’s closed, at least try to speed it up a little bit. And tip us nicely. 

7 thoughts on “There’s a Special Place in Hell For Some Restaurant Customers

  1. Fafaflunkie

    There is a special place in hell for those who proudly state “we just made it,” at 9:59:50 when your restaurant closes at 10:00:00. To which you as the maitre’d can proudly state “we close in 10 seconds. I’m afraid we can’t serve you in time.” Let them bitch all they want, Fuck all those entitled assholes.

    Reply
  2. IHatePeople

    I hate all those assholes that come even remotely close to closing time. I had a table of 3 come in 10 minutes before closing time at 9:20, and then proceeded to sit down until 10:10. And to add insult to injury after they were done at 9:40 or so, one of the guys proceeded to pull out a news paper and start reading. I was so pissed at that point I just wanted to shove it right up his ass. Here’s a rule of thumb: come in to a restaurant at least 30 minutes before closing time!

    Reply
  3. Stephanie

    Are you not allowed to say something like, “salads and desserts only because we are shutting down the ovens?” Because I just got told that at a Tim’s and I apologized for bothering them and got a quick thing to go (still 30 mins before close)

    Reply
  4. Geo

    As an owner who’s restaurant closes at 8 PM and most of our orders are take out, any eat in is stopped at 7:40. Anybody that calls in after 7:45 is told “We close at 8. If you are not here by then your order will be one of my employees dinner. I feel bad for corporate people….daaamn.

    Reply
  5. sara beo

    ugh! however, i like to console myself with the knowledge that the people who pull this move obviously suck, you can tell it the minute you interact with them, and everyone else in their lives know this about them too. same with cheap, poor tippers. it’s like a stench that they give off.

    Reply
  6. Rachel

    I have people that come in 10-15mins before closing, look upon an obviously empty restaurant, and say “we’re here to make you work!” Like ‘oh great! Where were you fucking five hours ago when we were slow?!’ but instead, I give the ‘real but oh-so-fake laugh and respond with “Sure! I’m not sure where you’re gunna sit because we are SO BUSY right now”. Gotta roll up those sleeves, grit your teeth and pray.

    I’ve had cooks shut the line down and have to pull everything out again because motherfuckers want a hangar steak or baked chicken parmesan.

    And the coffee comment…. Had me ROLLIN! Too fucking true! And chances are, you make a new pot for one, MAYBE two cups of coffee…

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  7. Austin

    I actually a couple of days ago had someone yell at me because we were dumping non-fresh food at our buffet 15 minutes before closing. He then looked and saw that we still had 75% of our food at least, but not what his child would eat (we ran out of THAT 15 minutes ago and didn’t want to make anymore because of waste). So, he decided to try and tell me how not only our restaurant worked, but also how the buffet industry works in general. He tried saying that it is standard to have EVERYTHING full AND fresh until closing. No, you can’t have both right before the buffet closes. You get full and old OR fresh and empty. Then he proceeds to tell me that he’s going to tell my manager because this is not how to run a business. He should be glad that my “I’m too tired” side came out instead of my “I’m tired and not about to deal with you” side because I would have lost my job, having been there 8 hours already with zero breaks (too busy).

    When I talked to my coworkers about this yesterday, one of them told me that she dealt with the same person a few years ago, and when he told her manager, the manager took her to a private area to tell her what an entitled jerk that guy was.

    Reply

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