It’s not often that I write about my actual customers anymore since so many of them know about this blog, there is the very real possibility that someone I write about may actually read about themselves. However, sometimes I throw caution to the wind in the same way I throw decaf into the regular pot and I just say, “Fuck it.” This couple and their little girl have compelled me to do so. It’s the little girl’s fault for being so damn annoying.
- She needed a high chair but then refused to sit in it. So not only did the highchair end up at the end of a booth making it near impossible for me to serve the table, they would not let me move it “just in case” the devil demon wanted to sit in it. She never did and instead the highchair was used to store all of her crap; coat, shoes, toys, a bottle and fucking partridge in a pear tree.
- She wouldn’t sit down. She insisted on standing up in the booth and when she wanted to eat something off of her mother’s plate, she would stretch out her whole body across the table and shove some pasta in her mouth, like she’s a barn house animal.
- When walking past them, I noticed there were three spoons on the table that I did not put there. “Odd,” I thought since I was the only server on the floor and there was no busser or runner. And then I spotted her, standing up in her seat (see above) and leaning over the back of the booth, reaching into the sidestand to grab silverware. Yes, her grimy, greasy, little girl hands were digging though silverware, so I placed a napkin over it to deter her thieving ways. I then watched here toss the napkin off and try again which is when I moved the spoons out of her reach. Rude little girl.
- She had too many toys with her, one of them being a doll that she kept upside down in a big plastic bag with a zipper that was hanging off her stroller. The doll looked like a suffocated baby in shrink wrap and it will give me nightmares.
- Her voice and the way she cried. The little girl was maybe two years old so she could talk just enough to have already developed vocal nodes. Like nails on a chalkboard, her voice clawed at my ears. And when she begin to cry, it was the first time I have ever heard sobbing mixed with vocal fry.
- She gave me the stink eye every time I walked past her. It was almost like she knew I was taking notes about her on a 3×5 index card that was in my apron. If looks could kill, her eyes were daggers stabbing me in the heart with a steak knife that, thankfully, I had removed from her reach just moments before. It’s almost as if she could sense my dislike for her in the same way a dog smells fear.
- Her haircut was a sin. She was definitely going for an Alfalfa from The Little Rascals look, with it parted in the middle when she clearly needed bangs, Her forehead looked like a putting green and she reminded me of Bette Davis when she played Queen Elizabeth. This little girl’s hairline was receding faster than the polar ice caps.
- When she left, the floor was a disaster. It was covered in pasta, crumbs, napkins and food I didn’t even serve them. (Full disclosure: some of that may have been there before she arrived.)
- Her bill was $60.98 and she left me $10. While that may be 16.33%, I needed 20% to make up for the stink eye and visual assault I experienced looking at her bad haircut.
Good bye, little girl. I am not a fan.
David
Howdy, everyone. I’m the Dave who left the “cunt” comment almost five years ago. After re-reading Bitchy’s hilarious telling of his experience with that little demon, the parents were the actual cunts for allowing their spawn to behave that way. Notice I wrote “were the actual cunts”? I’m guess the little cunt has probably killed her parents by now.
Dave
Howdy, everyone. I’m the Dave who left the “cunt” comment almost five years ago. After re-reading Bitchy’s hilarious telling of his experience with that little demon, the parents were the actual cunts for allowing their spawn to behave that way. Notice I wrote “were the actual cunts”? I’m guess the little cunt has probably killed her parents by now.
Mad in MD
I had a party of 8 earlier in the week (4 of them children) one was a barefoot almost 2 yo with lungs so healthy we could hear his screams in the kitchen. They did nothing to calm him down. My ears were ringing when taking their order. My other tables left quickly out of sheer annoyance. Their bill was $180 I got 11%. ?
Emily
I’m a host at a restaurant and if a family comes in with “crotchfruit” I will put them with a server I know that can deal with their shit. But if a person is rude to me from the start, I will sit them next to the most annoying little demon spawn I can find.
Catherine
Hmm…I’m no fan of children, either, Dave. But cunt? Seem kinda harsh, no?
Erin
He should of said, “cunty”. The girl was being, “cunty”. We won’t know if she’s a full fledged “cunt” until she is at least…ummm… I’m gonna say 7.
James
N..o
Dave
She’s already a cunt.
Annie
Why don’t feral brats and their braindead parents go where they’re actually welcome — Chucky Cheese and Mickey D’s and spare the rest of us?
Lily
I don’t want to see them at McD’s, either.
anne marie in philly
crotchfruit suck, and so do their “parents”!
Geo
Crotchfruit don’t suck if they are taught at an early age how to behave in restaurants and other public places. Our kids learned at a very early age that tantrums, screaming, and just plain old acting like little assholes had consequences. They became very aware of the words “Box it up, we’re outta here.”
Guess what? They are 27 and 29 and are not assholes. They know (have known for a while) the proper way to eat, act, and tip at restaurants.
My wife and I go out to eat about once a week and we are constantly amazed at how children act in restaurants. Parents today suck.
napoleonva
Amen!
Olivia Stevenson
Thank you for actually teaching your kids how to behave in public! I can’t tell you how many parents reward their kids for bad behavior just to shut them up.. for example this little devil in my section the other day who kept standing up in her chair and screaming I WANT MILK I WANT MILK! And the grandma and Mom were both laughing at how “cute she is” ??? then mom gave her little crotchfruit her iPhone to play with because she’s just a good girl! Not ?
Chris
Then I would describe your children as children rather than as “crotchfruit”. That nomenclature can stick with ill behaved children.
Alethea Dyas
Agreed. I Still Remember When I Was Misbehaving (After Several Warnings) & Throwing A Tantrum In A Nice Restaurant (The Swiss Chalet In Potsdam, NY) When I Was A Kid. I Also Remember Sitting In The Car. Alone. I Was 5. My Dad & 7 Ur Old Brother Finished Dinner Inside After I Was Brought To The Car. My Food Came Out In A ToGo Box & We Went Home. It Was 1980 & Different Times. But I Still Remember Never Misbehaving In A Restaurant Again.
Jennifer Bowen
Hi..I’m a parent…today…and I’ll reassure you that their are a few of us left that still believe that these kids did not come into this world ENTITLED!!!!….My daughter tried to get brave with me ONE time…..and that was the last time…I drove her straight to the jail and said we might as well get this over now…early…because with a mouth like that and that attitude to match…this is where you WILL end up at !!!! She was around 6 or 7…but I wasn’t havin’ that shit…EVER. So we went in and i explained to an officer I knew at the time…we walked into an empty courtroom and she’s looking around and she wanted to know what the robe was for hanging up, so I then explained to my big curios brown eyed daughter…well that robe belongs to a person who can either help you or put you away if he feels u do not need to be n society because you’re a danger…..needless to say she’s 16 now and of all things…my baby wants to be a judge!!!!!I it was at that moment that made her decision what she was going to be n life, …at such a young age I thought for sure she’d change her mind…but never…not once.
Karen
Some parents don’t bother to train or correct their children, and the result is behavior as described here.