Every server has had their share of unsatisfactory tips, be it a religious pamphlet, a roll of pennies or a cute little note explaining how their budget doesn’t allow them enough money to leave a tip at all. Last week a very refined and elegant couple in Oregon took it to the next tier when they tipped their waitress an envelope full of crystal meth.
According to The Oregonian, Ryan Benson and Erica Manley were just chilling out at the fancy eating hole called Twisted Fish Steakhouse in Seaside, Oregon. They paid their bill with a gift card and when it came time to leave the tip they had the following conversation.
Ryan: We gotta leave a tip for that waitress. She was good. She was real good, you know?
Erica: Uh huh. Yes. Uh huh. Birds.
Ryan: Honey, pay attention. Look at me. We gotta leave a tip but we cashed out the gift card. What are we gonna do? I don’t have any money ’cause I just spent my last two dollars on Chapstick.
Erica: Do you think birds make good pets? I don’t. You cain’t cuddle with no bird. Well, maybe a penguin. I’d love to cuddle with a penguin. Did you see March of the Penguins? What about Happy Feet, did you see that? My food was so good, wasn’t yours? That was the best taco I ever ate.
Ryan: You had filet mignon with baked potato and spinach, honey. And you got some schmutz on your nose. Oh wait, that’s just your skin peeling off, never mind.
Erica: Birds, birds, birds. Hey, where’d my teeth go?
Ryan: They fell out, sweetie, remember? That’s why I told you to always smile with your mouth closed.
Erica: I want another taco. Teeth tacos.
Ryan: Gimme your purse. She was such a good waitress and I want her to know how much we appreciated her service. I’m gonna leave her some crystal meth for her tip, is that good idea? I think an ounce is good. Ima run to the restroom and measure it out. Gimme your scale.
Erica: Penguin tacos.
The waitress took the envelope and when she realized what was in it, she called 911 and ratted out the couple. Police arrived to arrest them and they discovered that the woman had 17 more ounces of meth in her purse. A search warrant was obtained and it was later discovered that they were running a meth lab out of their room at the Holiday Inn.
Okay, so whether the waitress wanted a big ol’ envelope of meth or not, we have to admit it was pretty freakin’ generous of the couple. If the woman still had 17 ounces of meth in her purse, we can estimate that they gave at least one ounce of it to the waitress. One ounce is 28.2495 grams and according to my vast research (Google search) a 1/4 gram of meth sells for about $25. Can we assume then that an ounce of meth would cost about $2800? Best tip ever! Even if the waitress sold it for 50% off on eBay, she could still score $1400 minus the percentage that eBay would take and the cost of shipping. Sounds pretty good to me. I suppose she could have sold it on the street and got even more money, but who has time for that? Honestly, if a customer gave me an envelope of crystal meth, I wouldn’t know what it was and would have thrown it away. This begs the question: How did the waitress know what crystal meth looked like anyway? Hmmm.
The couple is now in jail facing charges of possession, manufacturing and delivering of methamphetamine. Hopefully, they will learn their lesson about drugs but continue on with their generosity. The next time they go out to a restaurant, I hope they will think to sell the ounce of meth first and then give the cash to the waitress. If they would have just done that in the first place, this story would have a much happier ending. At least Erica remembered to smile with her mouth closed for her mug shot.