The Need for Ranch Dressing is Out of Control

Ranch dressing is the bane of our existence because we add so many steps to each of our days simply by walking back and forth to the kitchen to get more of it for desperate people who love it so much. Why do people crave it so incessantly? Just the other day, someone wrote me about a couple at her restaurant who asked for six ramekins of the stuff. This, after they realized there was no kid menu for their little girl. The waitress watched this mom and dad spoon feed their one-year old approximately 9 ounces of Ranch dressing for dinner. Yes, that really happened. (Full disclosure: in high school, my favorite thing to eat was Mr. Gatti’s pizza dipped in Ranch. I am not proud.)

Well those parents are about to have their lives made easy because there is now a Ranch Dressing fountain available. It can hold three bottles of it and once you plug that bitch in, you can dip away to your fat heart’s content. Mom and Dad can do away with ramekins and spoons and just prop that baby under the constant flow of creamy deliciousness. When the baby gets full (or drowns, whichever comes first) they can roll baby away from the fountain, hose it down and wait three hours to feed it again. It’s a dream come true.

I don’t think there is any food in this country that hasn’t been dipped in Ranch dressing. I’m sure there is someone out there who has braised a pork chop in Ranch or made a Ranch dressing birthday cake or popsicles and I would not be surprised if someone told me about a hipster bar in Brooklyn that made a Ranch Dressing Old Fashioned and served it in a foil envelope. Ranch is like herpes and will never go away.

If you work in a restaurant with customers who are in need of Ranch dressing, might I suggest that you have your manager purchase the Ranch Dressing Fountain? It will let your customers do all the dipping they need, but I bet cleaning that thing out is no picnic and it will end up being your least favorite bit of closing sidework.

Discussion

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