As you well know, I quite enjoy finding stupid 1-star reviews on Yelp or Facebook and using those reviews as teaching opportunities*. Today’s teachable moment comes from a diner named Kai who went to dine at a Cheesecake Factory on the island of O’ahu in Hawaii. It seems that the restaurant was newly opened so according to most reviews, the, lines were long and the wait times were longer. This is to be expected when a brand new chain restaurant opens, as the staff irons out the kinks and customers clamor to to see what all the fuss is about. Kai wasn’t upset with the wait times or the food or even the service. The thing that crawled up inside her pineapple hole had more to do with other customers:
Just ate at Cheesecake Factory Kapolei and was enjoying our 1st experience until a large table of bratty kids were seated next to us, they were so loud and annoying and a little out of control. So much for a nice enjoyable meal! Asked the waitress if we could get a free cheesecake because of the annoyance, and she sent a manager who did absolutely nothing to make up for our dissatisfaction except offer to move us, as we were settling our bill. And that was it. So disappointed with the manager! I don’t think we’ll be going back for a while.
It seems that Kai didn’t enjoy sitting next to a table full of bratty kids. To that I say: who the fuck does, Kai? Yes, kids are miserable, rotten, loathsome, ghastly, detestable, horrendous, obnoxious, bothersome, aggravating, vexatious, repugnant, revolting assholes, but that doesn’t mean that everyone who has to sit next to one gets free cheesecake. There’s not enough cheesecake in the world for that to happen, Kai. Your balls must be bigger than a pair of coconuts to ask your server for free cheesecake for such a stupid reason. You can certainly ask to be moved or perhaps you can ask the parents of these children to stuff napkins into their mouths to make them quieter, but it’s not the responsibility of the waitress to bring you a plate of Toasted Marshmallow S’mores Galore™ cheesecake. I’m sure when you asked her for it, the waitress knew it wasn’t going to happen, but she wanted to let the manager give you the bad news. And although I wasn’t there, I can pretty much guarantee that this is how the manager responded to the request:
Listen, Kai. Sitting next to annoying people is kinda how it goes when you have dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. If you are determined to only eat in situations where you can be sure you won’t be near loud and annoying people, I would suggest you eat alone. You could certainly eat at home, but I don’t know your family and they may be worse than the kids you sat next to. Bottom line is this: just because you felt that the table next to you was too loud doesn’t entitle to you to free dessert and when a restaurant doesn’t bow to your wish of cheesecake ala gratis, that’s not a good enough reason to give them a 1-star review. You may have been disappointed with the manager, but my guess is that you fulfilled the stereotype of 90% of the customers he has to deal with and you didn’t disappoint him at all. It was just par for the course: somebody looking for an excuse to get free food from a chain restaurant. You say you don’t think you’ll be going back for a while, but I bet you will. You know you can’t wait to go back for that Famous Factory Meatloaf, White Chocolate Caramel Macadamia Nut Cheesecake and Diet Coke.
* I like to call ripping people apart on the Internet a “teaching opportunity.”