Stop Lying About Your Birthday

Stop telling us it’s your birthday when it’s not your freaking birthday. In fact, stop telling us it’s your birthday even when it is your birthday, because we still don’t care. And especially stop telling us just to be all cute on Instagram.

I’m looking at you, @KevinFreshwater and @Dannikaddj. Your video that shows you repeatedly telling the restaurant staff that it’s your birthday is adorable as hell, but it’s all lies. Every time a customer asks their server to do something special to commemorate the day someone was pushed or pulled out of another human being, that server has to stop what they are doing and ask all their co-workers to also stop what they are doing just so you can feel special for thirty seconds. You’re not special. And to do it knowing that it’s a bald-faced lie is disrespectful.

On three separate occasions when you have complete and utter disregard for the time of those of us trying to serve you. I get it Kevin, you thought it would be funny to surprise your friend and figured it would make a cute video. And Dannika, as adorable as Rainbow Brite floating on a cloud of kittens, seems genuinely surprised each time and is gracious to those servers who are doing their best to make her feel important. But look at the servers.

In round one, we have three employees smiling their faces off and presenting you with what appears to be a piece of cake with a stick of dynamite in it. It even looks like they roped in a manager or host to join them because the others servers were like, “awww, bloody hell, I don’t have time for that.” The plate itself has a chocolate inscription on it meaning that someone in the kitchen had to also participate in this farce.

The second instance shows about six employees you have inconvenienced with your dishonesty. Judging by the way they sing happy birthday to you, they are 100% totally not fucking into it, especially the one black guy who looks like he’d rather be anywhere in the world rather than singing to your non-birthday ass.

Lastly, we come to the one server who appears to enjoy celebrating your supposed day of birth. She is clearly into it and wants to do everything she can to make you happy. She’s jovial, energetic and wasting her fucking time. You see that candle in the dessert? Do you know how many fucking drawers and bins she had to go through to find it? Too many.

If you must go to a restaurant on your birthday and have strangers in aprons sing to you, at least try to do it on your actual day of birth. To lie to us about it is truly disrespectful. And I hope none of those desserts were free, because if that’s the case, you are true assholes.

4 thoughts on “Stop Lying About Your Birthday

  1. Melissa

    Rude! It gives me great pleasure to inform people that they had to have signed up for the eclub to get their free birthday entree before now because it takes 24 to 28 hours to send it. Sorry, thats all we do for Birthdays!

  2. Stephanie

    Why don’t places check ID? And if someone wants to “surprise” the “birthday person”, let them know that failure to produce valid birthday ID afterwards will result in the charge added to their bill. Fuck, make them sign a form while the “oh so surprised” guest is in the bathroom.

    I once worked as a hostess (just under the age when I could have waited tables with alcohol) at a well-known chain restaurant where birthday “pie in the face” could be requested by a friend. They had to sign a waiver first, (so staff not blamed) and it wasn’t a real pie, it was a coffee filter full of whipped cream that we only carefully smushed over mouth and chin only.

    It was a new opening of this chain, we all had three weeks of training first which involved teams competing by inventing their own birthday songs for potential use.
    It was as humiliating as it sounds.

    *Stomp, stomp, clap! Stomp, stomp, clap!*
    “Buddy it’s your birthday, we’re here to say, you’re gonna have a great TIME today;
    You got pie on your face, you big disgrace;
    Makin’ a mess all over the place!

    Haaa-py, haaa-py, birthday! (*Clap! Stomp, stomp, clap!*) Ugh.

    I had to tell waiting parties over the mic that they could “mosey on down, their table is ready!”
    Everyone waiting up to two hours at the front, during the first few, very busy, grand opening weeks gave me pitying looks, then annoyed ones.

    I was let go because 1) they overhired as always at first and 2) I made a very minor joke during training, TO STAFF ONLY, no customers, and they lost their shit. I was 17.

    When I think of the kind of jokes I make now, and the people who laugh with me too, I occasionally remember the red-faced manager who was so very disturbed that I made a minor joke while correcting myself.


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