I have spies all over the world and if there is some social injustice happening in a restaurant, I eventually know about it. A reader recently sent me a photo that they snapped at your restaurant, Scarolies Pasta Emporium. “I went down the wrong hallway when I was going to the restroom and realized I was headed toward the kitchen. A little note over the sink caught my eye and, because I am a nosy person who also works in a restaurant, I wanted to see what it said. I was surprised and figured it was a joke, but I took a photo of it.” Well, that photo made its way to me and the note says:
Waiter, Waitress, Busboy, Bartender
If anyone is caught talking to another staff member during their shift, you will get an automatic 2 week suspension.
Umm, what the fuck, Mean Boss? Are you seriously threatening suspension to any of your employees who talk to each other? How are they supposed to communicate? With fucking smoke signals and Morse code? What if a server needs some help but can’t ask a co-worker to please go fill the waters at Table 207? Is the guest supposed to sit there and dehydrate because you don’t allow your servers to talk to each other? Please, Mean Boss, tell me this is a joke. Tell me that someone posted that note just to get a laugh. I refuse to believe that any employer could be that much of a dick.
But perhaps you are. Maybe you see your staff as chattel and you have have complete disregard for the people who do their best to make your restaurant a success. Maybe you are one of those bosses who is so friendly to the customers and pretend like you have a heart, but behind closed doors you’re a monster who charges employees when they accidentally break a glass or you make them stay two hours after work to do deep cleaning but don’t pay them extra. I dunno. If this note is a joke, please let us know. Somehow, I don’t think it is.
As for the staff, I hope you have figured out sign language or have the ability to pass notes to one another like fourth graders during a math test. If you can’t speak to each other, I venture to guess that it is the quietest kitchen in the world. Since I don’t see cooks on the “Do Not Talk” list, I guess they are allowed to use their vocal chords. And I assume that the servers, bartenders and busboys are permitted to speak to them as well. That’s awfully nice of you, Mean Boss. I mean if a customer is deathly allergic to fish, it’s helpful for a waiter to actually be able to convey that to someone else. It would definitely suck if a customer died because of your stupid little note:
Police: What happened? How did the lady die?
Waiter: Well, she was allergic to shellfish, but someone else ran my food and he picked up the wrong plate and gave it to her.
Police: Why didn’t you stop him if you knew he was taking her the wrong plate?
Waiter: Oh, our boss doesn’t allow us to talk to each other, see that sign over there? So I was writing out a note to tell him it was the wrong plate, but by the time I wrote it down, the customer already took a bite and then she died. Bummer, right?
Police: Wow, your boss is an asshole.
Waiter: Totally. Sorry about the dead customer, but rules is rules. And I couldn’t afford to be suspended for two weeks.
Police: Oh, yeah, I totally get it.
Mean Boss, feel free to reach out to me to explain your bizarre rule. And if anyone who works there wants to reach out to me, please do. Thank you to the person who sent me this little hidden gem. I hope you found your way to the restroom but I’m sure glad you snapped this very important photo.
Mustard and mayo,
The Bitchy Waiter