It’s Official: the Lady at Table 16 is a Bitch

54545830Contrary to what most people would expect of me, I am actually very nice to my customers. I save my wrath and ire for the pages of this blog and what the customers see from me is a polite, well-mannered food-service professional. Well, most of the time.

When the two-top steps into the restaurant, I recognize them immediately. They come in fairly regularly and the woman always seems to have a stick up her ass and I imagine that it is her husband who puts it there. She’s tall and skinny with hair not unlike mine, except she uses the wrong product and it looks like a sad afro reject from the early ’80’s. It’s almost a mullet except the “business in the front” is a Dollar Store and the “party in the back” is the kind of party that one has when they work in an office and someone springs for a Subway platter and an ice cream cake. In other words: lame.

“Hi, folks, how are you? It’s been a while,” I say.

She eeks out a facial expression that could have been a very weak smile but it may have been that the stick up her ass shifted ever so slightly and it made her wince with discomfort. The husband ignores me. I pour their water, tell them the specials and let them know I will be right back to see what they’d like. Two minutes later, as I am walking past Table 16 to go out to the patio, the woman stops me to ask for ice. You see, we serve our water in the European style, meaning we do not add ice. Really, we do that because our ice machine sucks and it’s hard for it to keep up with the demand. I never mind getting ice for people who want it, but the way she asks for it rubs me more wrong than the stick did to her asshole. She acts like it’s the most difficult thing in the world to have to request ice:

 

I get her ice, without issue and they are ready to order.

“Now the chef knows this about me,” she begins, “but I’m gluten intolerant.”

“That’s fine, I can remind him.”

“Well, he already knows, I just want to make sure he remembers.”

“Yes, ma’am,” I say, assuming she did not hear me just fucking say I would remind him.

“We’re gonna share the Caesar salad, but it can’t have any croutons because they have gluten.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“And we haven’t decided what else we’re having so just put that in now.”

As I head to the computer, the husband finally decides to use his words and yells out to me to not forget the croutons. You know, because they have gluten.

“Yes, sir, I got it.”

A few minutes later, I set the salad down and they are still not ready to order. The woman needs more napkins, but rather than asking for them like a normal person, she again makes it sound like I have intentionally given her fewer napkins just to spite her:

 

They are finally ready to order and they both want salmon. “Now, I need to remind you that it can’t have gluten. I want the salmon but instead of the couscous, I’ll have it with the risotto.”

“Absolutely, those are both gluten-free.”

“I know that. That’s why I ordered it. And I want it medium-rare. Last time it was way overcooked,” she tells me.

“Yes, ma’am. And you, sir?”

“The same. Medium-rare.” He really has a way with words, doesn’t he?

When the salmon gets to the table, they immediately cut into it to check its level of doneness.

“This is totally undercooked,” she cries. “And his is too!”

I apologize and explain that they were being very careful to not overcook it and that I can have it put back onto the grill. I do so. When it comes out the second time, her salmon is deemed acceptable, but his is not. He is frustrated.

“It’s fine,” he tells me.” I guess I’ll just eat this part that’s done and you can take that part back.” He breaks off about half of the salmon and scrapes the rest onto a bread plate, pushing it toward me. I assume he is so frustrated that he has lost his appetite so I plan to void  the salmon from his check.

I’m pretty much done with them. Not a please or thank you has passed their lips and I have done nothing but try to appease them. I take the bread plate of salmon back to the kitchen and focus my attention to other customers who aren’t miserable assholes. Five minutes later, the woman flags me down.

“Are we sure his salmon isn’t getting overcooked? It’s been a long time.”

“Oh, I didn’t think he wanted it anymore, “ I tell her.

Her response:

 

“Well, he said he was fine and would just eat that part of it so I took that to mean he didn’t want it anymore. I still have it, I can put it back on the grill.”

Thankfully, the plate was right where I had left it so it goes onto the grill for a third time. When I finally out the plate down and it is deemed alright, she begins to complain again.

“I dunno why you would think he didn’t want it. And the first time it was way too rare and we just wanted it medium rare so-”

I interrupt her:

 

And then I walk away as she is huffing and puffing with anger. I can’t anymore. They are dead to me. More dead than the split ends of her hair. More dead than the husband’s eyes after years of being married to a royal pain in the ass. It’s official: the lady at Table 16 is a bitch. I continue to serve them, making sure to fill their glasses with ice water and I efficiently clear their plates. I give them the check, but refuse to speak to them anymore proving that no matter how big of a bitch she can be, i can be a bigger one. They leave money on the table to cover their $68 check. I expect no tip and apologize to the bartender since we pool and I basically fucked up half of her tip as well. To my surprise, they left me $7, or 10%, which is 10% more than I was expecting or deserved.

They will be back eventually and we will all pretend like nothing ever happened. The only thing I can be certain of is that she will still have a stick up her ass.

30 thoughts on “It’s Official: the Lady at Table 16 is a Bitch

  1. Nance

    I, too, try to be professional and stuff my true words and feelings way down deep inside me where they are probably forming some kind of tumor while I type. But a few times in my career that stuff has come flying out of my mouth. I just couldn’t help it. I’m human. And when I still get a tip I am always surprised. And when I get stiffed I just remind myself that it was worth the money to lose my shit. So what if you lost out on $7. Telling the bitch EXACTLY what you were thinking = priceless.

    Reply
    1. Courtney

      The some of the customers that come into the restaurant I work are some of the worst…..the management mainly the GM is more than happy to comp their entire bill for the slightest complaint and because of that the will complain about anything and everything to get a free meal. I wish I had you courage to say what I was thinking sometimes

      Reply
  2. Jen

    She ordered her salmon Medium Rare but then complained that it is underdone? I am so confused, she does know what that combination of words means right?

    Reply
    1. Margaret

      Well, I order my steak medium-rare and sometimes it’s underdone (rare). I don’t think the problem here was that she wanted her salmon cooked more. It sounds like the problem is that she was a complete bitch about it.

      Reply
      1. Jen

        Ya absolutely, just the way the story went with the gentleman sending his fish back a second time, I just don’t see how with it going back a second time it could possibly be still called Medium Rare. Fish cooks pretty fast I guess Kevin would have to confirm the level of done-ness. Its just my personal pet peeve for people to not order what they mean. Eggs for example, if you order them sunny-side up that is not the same as Over Medium even Over Easy is a world away as well. If people don’t know what these things mean they should ask.

        Reply
      2. izzy

        I work at a specialized burger bar and this guy sent back a burger FOUR TIMES! Due to how crazy our burgers are we can’t just slap stuff back on the grill. It was cooked perfectly 3/4 times it was sent back but he kept demanding there was problems with it

        Reply
  3. Kenny Ray

    Someday SOMEDAY, I’m gonna ask the assholes a question;” I’m sorry, but does this happen in other restaurants? I mean does food go back other places you visit? Its none of my business of course, but that would say Less about the restaurants you visit and more abouuuut….well ill just go check on that Salmon piece…..” …Someday…

    Reply
  4. Jenni R.

    There is a mother and son(well, we think they are mother and son. She could be a cougar) that come in our store and I always seem to get them. The son never speaks, she orders for him. She is always demanding and bitchy and expects her drink refilled when it is still 3/4 full and heaven forbid you don’t stay on top of their drinks and chips and salsa refills or she assumes you are ignoring them on purpose and will complain to management. The last time they were in, which was last week, I was alone in my section and I had 7 other tables, two of those being 6 tops. Now I can handle my shit, and I made sure to stay on top of the cougar’s refills. Checked on them frequently. They never uttered a word to me about any problems. It comes time to pay, all of a sudden she wants to speak to a manager. I go get him and huddle in the corner to ear hustle. Here’s what she had to say…
    “The waitress brought me an undercooked steak, my broccoli was overcooked and his burger was too well done. Why is it so hard for her to bring us correct food? Also our drinks never got refilled. You may want to have a talk with the waitress about this”
    I laughed out loud, my manager remained composed. He offered to comp half their meal and offered them large drinks to go. Which is what they wanted, a discount. I’m sure she needs that extra $10 to go towards her botox injections so she can look as young as her 18 year old son/lover.
    My boss comes to tell me whats up, I print their ticket and take them their Togo drinks and check.
    In my most disgustingly sweet voice I let her know my manager talked to me about all her problems. I also apologized for bringing her food that was not up to their standards and let her know that next time if she will let me know I can get it fixed or get them something different. I also kindly let her know that I don’t cook the food and our managers frown upon servers sticking our fingers in guests food to make sure its done. She did not think that was funny. I then had to throw in, “enjoy your large Togo drinks. Y’all sure have been thirsty today, you almost drank all our diet coke!” To which she did not laugh again, but I wanted her to know I know what she said to my boss. They paid, and left me a dollar in dimes on the table, I then proceeded to take the receipt and the dimes to them at the door and said “Hon! You almost forgot your receipt and this change!” Handed it to her and in my best sweet southern drawl said “thank y’all so much! Y’all have a great day now, OK!”
    Now here’s some lessons on what not to do,
    Don’t ever give guests back their tip, they don’t like it and I got a firm talking to because my boss saw me do all of that. Which was fine, I wasn’t trying to b sneaky. I was being a flat out condescending bitch to show her that I saw her bitch game and I was more than willing to outbitch her.
    Sometimes, bitches are just bitches.
    Also the sweet couple in the booth behind them grabbed my boss to let him know I was not at fault and confirmed that the woman was indeed, an insufferable bitch. They didn’t want me to get in trouble. Most of the time, when you work your ass off and you are kind, people notice, and they are kind in return. They also tipped me double because they saw me give Cunty McBitchface her dimes back and they thought it was hilarious. Silver linings y’all. Silver. $25 linings 😂😂😂

    Reply
    1. Sue kraft

      You are awsome. Smile and keep going. I always. Say. Kill them with kindness and put them in their. Place as kindly as you can. I will remember. Your way of giving the cheap back. I will have to use that😁

      Reply
  5. Anne

    I’ve been a diner waitress in a busy tourist town for 23 years. I am damned good at my job and I’m very proud of the food we put out. Last weekend a man and his wife came in at 6:30am, I was alone at the time but hey, 23 years, I can handle what happens, and what happens that early is working men and tons of golfers. Still, no problem. I am pleasant, I talk to the couple, give them the directions they needed to get to a gun show, bring their eggs and repeatedly refill their coffee cups. The man’s eggs were not cooked to his liking, no problem, I had the cook make him more. I bring the eggs, no one complained, and off I went to deal with hungover golfers who need my attention NOW because they have tee times. A bit later, 10 minutes tops, I go check on the table and the man ANGRILY tells me, “These eggs were disgusting, I can’t believe you can’t cook eggs right!” I look down at his plate and say, “I’m so sorry! You should have let me know before you ate them! ” Seriously, there were toast crusts, a bit of bacon and some egg yolk left on his plate. I then said that I would take the eggs off his bill and went on my merry way to deliver food. 3 minutes later he is standing by the register, YELLING, “Do you THINK I could order some ACTUAL, EDIBLE food now???” I said, “Certainly, I’ll be right over, I have to deliver this order and…” “FORGET IT!!” he roars, “You have a PISSY attitude and we are VERY unhappy and will NEVER be back!!!” I give him his bill, he pays and storms out, I turn to pick up food, the cook says, “What the hell was that??” and I burst into tears. I cried for 15 minutes. Didn’t take a break, just cried and shook and served and poured coffee… 23 years, I’ve never been screamed at like that. I’m still upset bout it. Why are people so angry? 🙁

    Reply
    1. Sharon

      Oh! THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      There are not enough bad words in my vocabulary!
      What creates these monsters that suck all the life and air our of every room they are in???????
      I hope he gets a flat tire. One a Friday. At 5:30 p.m. On the freeway. And, I hope it is raining.
      Hugs to you, Anne!

      Reply
    2. Kassia

      Wow, what a terrible excuse for a human being. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I agree w Sharon, but in addition a tweaked out drifter appears and starts fractically knocking on their windows and humping the door handles.

      Reply
      1. Steve

        Or the jackwad has his flat tire and takes that attitude with a state trooper. “Why weren’t you here earlier? I’m important!” Then he could make lots of new, special friends in a lockup somewhere. People like that make me want to find where THEY work and go act the same way they did in their place of business.

        Reply
    3. Capt. Luney

      Anne I just saw this! I had someone do this to me, once. And only once. It will take a lil while but no one will ever be able to so that to you again! You have survived that verbal tongue lashing and NOW my dear YOU are in charge! Why? Because not only did you handle it, get it out of your system, that you let that shameful man out that karma into the universe, but NOW, that Karma will only bring you joy and extra tips from those hungover golfers (who Are WAY more worth your time. I love golfers. They will enjoy all your wonderful smartassness and give you more Money the meaner you are!) So just remember he was an ass. And anyone who doesn’t appreciate you deserves to have their eggs “ruined”.

      Reply
  6. Lauren Sloane

    Quoting the immortal Kenny Powers, there is no “I” in TEAM, but there IS a “U” in CUNT. Salmon cunt with stick in ass! I hope it made her sick.

    Reply
    1. dead_elvis

      Hah!

      Perfect Eastbound & Down quote. Surprised I haven’t seen that used here before, it fits SO many cunstomers featured on tBW.

      Reply
  7. Sharon

    I swear this miserable couple sat at the table next to us one Sunday afternoon. Except, it was the husband who was whining. Our young female server had just walked up t our table to take our order… the man at the table next to us was sitting behind the server and he actually GRABBED HER ELBOW to get her attention. When she turned around to him, he said, “My wife needs more ranch dressing.”
    I swear, I have never seen that happen before… I have heard of it, but never seen it face to face.
    I am not often left speechless, but this was one of those times.
    I just don’t know what kind of circumstances in life created these horrible attitudes.
    Our server handled it better than I would have. (He would have never been able to use that hand again because my temper is quick and I just do not like to be touched by random jerks.)
    She just smiled graciously and nicely told him as soon as she finished with our orders she would take care of it.

    Reply
  8. Ashley

    This one isn’t as bitchy but still kinda funny- family is out eating and most are drinking but are at least 100 years old. Young guy comes and orders a Stella and I ask ‘do you mind if I see your id?’ His response? ‘Yeah I DO have a problem’ and he actually stared me down for a bit. Held my ground only to hear ‘why the FUCK am I getting carded at a RESTAURANT. That’s bull shit. This isn’t a bar’ ugh. Finally shows me his ID and I go to walk away. All I hear is ‘why don’t YOU show m YOUR ID’ to which I responded with- ‘I am 29 and will HAPPILY show my ID anywhere I go.’ Long story short all the old people loved my attitude and we’re still putting him in his place when I came back with his drink.

    Reply
    1. dead_elvis

      I wonder what his reaction would have been if you’d refused to serve him.

      You’d have been doing him a favor by denying him a Stella.

      Reply
  9. MANGLER

    Had a lovely woman cut into her steak in front of me (she asked me to watch so she could be sure, which I was OK with). It was not to her liking, so she shoved the plate towards me. I stepped to the side and watched it hit the floor. I said that I’d have the line cook wipe it off and heat it up more for her if she’d like. Then I shouted to a manager ‘Jeff, your table!’ and handed them off.

    Reply
  10. Jack Wright

    Forgive me but HUH? She probably had 8-12 tables and dwells on her preconceived notions of “bitch. et al”. I think the key word in this whole diatribe is the word “deserved”.

    Reply
  11. John D

    I found this in Facebook and to share a story. So I had this regular couple, both dillholes. Following my introduction, I began to advise them of the specials, to which the husband stated I don’t need to hear that shit we know what we want. I said OK and asked their order, he stated that they wanted their drinks first, so I asked the wife what she wanted, she ordered a Tom Collins, he said he was fine. So I grabbed her drink, bread and salads brought them to the table. The husband then in a quizzically pissed of fashion asked where his water was, I iterated that when asked he said he was fine, he said well I didn’t want a drink but I want water. This is where I decided I had had enough, I went to the back grabbed the 20oz beer glass and filled it with ice, I brought it to the table and served to the “gentleman”. He looked at the glass, looked at me, looked at the glass and said where is the water, I then told him that he twice now said he wanted nothing to drink but wanted water so I assumed he wanted a large glass of ice. The husband looked at me and was not sure if I was an idiot or being an asshole, after about 5 minutes of contemplating he asked to speak to my manager. I waited in the back for the impending “scolding”. My manner informed that had it been any other unknown couple I would be sent home, but asked me that in the future if I decide to be a dick, 1. To be a tad more subtle, 2. Not make it so damn funny that my manager had to bury his laughter. Try it sometime, it will bring you some joie de vivre.

    Reply

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