Because I am a waiter, I can’t help but jump at every opportunity to assist someone when it comes to matters of food and restaurant life. Serving is in my blood. Literally, my veins course with water, salt, proteins, red and white blood cells, platelets, a few ounces of tequila and some serving, so when I was reading the Chili’s Facebook page and saw that someone wanted to know how to reheat their Chocolate Molten Lava Cake, I wanted to help this woman. Never mind that Chili’s already answered her question with a half-assed answer telling her to put it in the microwave for thirty seconds. That might be an adequate way to reheat a Chocolate Molten Lava Cake, but this Chili’s customer deserves a better answer and I am here to serve. Yes, Carolyn, you could be a Basic Betty and put it in the microwave for thirty seconds, but don’t you deserve more? After all, if you are treating yourself to the luxury of a dessert from one of America’s finest restaurants, you should want it reheated to perfection. Here you go:
- Remove the cake from the plastic to-go container. Do this very carefully, for you do not want the cake to collapse. It is a delicate work of confectionary art and must be handled with care by the hands of a virgin. If a virgin is unavailable, plastic gloves are fine.
- Gently place the cake on a piece of ceramic earthenware that has never before seen the light of day. You can also use a slab of marble, solid quartz (not Silestone or some manufactured man-made quartz bullshit), Verano glass or a cedar plank made from the trees of Galilee. If none of these are available, a cookie sheet covered in aluminum foil is fine.
- Cover the cake with a hand-blown Chihuly glass bowl so it will distribute the heat evenly. There are no substitutions for this bowl. If you don’t have one, give up now and throw the Chocolate Molten Lave Cake into the trash can, because it will basically be a piece of garbage if you skip this step.
- Place the cake into a wood burning pizza oven that is heated to exactly 204.444 degrees celsius. It must be placed directly into the center of the oven and not off by even a fraction of an inch. This is what will ensure an even warming so that the chocolate lava will heat up to just the right amount and spew from its warm center at the correct viscosity. If you don’t have a pizza oven, a regular conventional oven will be fine as long is it is a model from 2017 and later.
- Set your timer for 7 minutes. Ideally, the timer will be of the hourglass variety with white grains of sand from a secret beach in Thailand. If not that, an egg timer will be fine.
- While the cake is warming, you should play a recording of Johann Sebastian Bach’s “Toccata and Fugue in D minor, BWV565.” That piece is 14 minutes long, so you will need to play it at twice its normal speed so that it will end at precisely the same time as the last grain of sand falls in the hour glass. A simple software program or app will help you play the piece at the correct speed.
- After seven minutes, have the virgin remove the cake from the oven and then have her remove the bowl. (If the virgin is unavailable or has lost her virginity in the last seven minutes, using an oven mitt is fine.) Throw the bowl away, for it has now peaked in usefulness and will never be worthy of anything again.
- Your Chocolate Molten Lava Cake is now ready. Top with Blue Bell vanilla ice cream and enjoy with a silver spoon from Marie Antoinette’s collection of French silverware. If that is unavailable, the plastic one from Chili’s is fine.
You’re welcome, Carolyn.